The oldest memories of childhood that i have are pleasant and happy to my recollection.I have very loving parents who have given me everything they possibly could , maybe even beyond what their means.

That being said the emotional , spiritual and financial crisis i found myself in , in later years has i believe a lot to with unresolved childhood issues . I spent the initial part of my life in my grandma’s hometown , in those days i remember being a very assertive at the same time sensitive child. Around age 7 we (me & my mother) moved to a big city to be with my father who worked there.

A new place , a new city , new school , new friends …..a new home. I believe i never fully got over the trauma of moving to a new place as i was treated like an outsider due to language and cultural differences . But i managed to get by without any major incidents until age 11 when i finally started to feel i was different and didn’t belong .

My grades started dropping and i gradually lost interest in the subjects being taught at my school . I was getting attracted to what might be called bad influences . I started smoking and soon after learnt to drink alcohol.First it was beer then harder spirits. By the time i reached junior high i had got hooked to my first drug “Ganja” (marijuana) . Part peer-pressure part unresolved issues made me an addict. I hardly attended first year of junior college , i used to sit outside the college and smoke and get high on weed .After college hours you could find me sloshed in a bar or a pub. It went on in this manner for many years , along the way i flunked college and then completely dropped out.

My only interest in life was to get high and find new ways to get higher.I graduated to prescription drugs like cough syrups, antidepressants and local anesthetics. After about 6 years of this i had a profound spiritual experience on a psychedelic substance called “Magic Mushrooms” . This experience changed me in some ways for the better and in other ways for the worse. I completely swore off alcohol and ganja , i got a new perspective in life , i wanted to make something out of myself ,  be more than what i was .But after a few months spent in this new found peace and content i slowly started to feet an emptiness inside me , i had no clue what it was or what to do. I had lost faith in organized religion a long time ago , so there was nothing and nobody to turn to.

I continued to stay away from alcohol and ganja but started using other prescription substances in the misguided belief that i could fill the empty space inside me .But that was never to be as i found out much later .

To cut a long story short i got into harder drugs and was a slave to them for many more years , finally due to drug induced physical collapse i found myself in treatment center for the 3rd time . This time i was able to clean up my act and now I’m 4 years away from Drugs.

But just staying away from drugs didn’t resolve all my issues , cleaning up from drugs was just the first step , now comes the time to face bigger issues about myself and life in general.

As i said earlier i don’t have any faith in  a Conventional God or religion. The reason i lost faith in the first place was due to all i have been through in my life even prior to my addiction. I just couldn’t reconcile myself to believe in a petty and vindictive god who was never there for me.

Now I’m still searching for that all elusive truth or person or thing which will set me completely free and give me the peace i crave so much.And I’m tired of hearing all the BS cliches like stop searching start finding etc.

I have now decided to walk the path i believe i need to take and am preparing for it , i believe i need to make a physical journey to find what i need to find