So I’m driving home from the doctor and I couldn’t help, but think of one of my favorite lines from the movie Fight Club.  Jack arrives home and discovers that his condo has exploded.  He is having a conversation with Tyler.

“There’s always that. I don’t know, it’s just…when you buy furniture, you tell yourself: that’s it, that’s the last sofa I’m gonna need. No matter what else happens, I’ve got that sofa problem handled. I had it all. I had a stereo that was very decent, a wardrobe that was getting very respectable. I was so close to being complete.”

That was basically the conversation I was having with myself.  I’ve the job situation straight.  I was in a good place relationship wise.  I was getting my finances in order.  The kids and my home life was settling in.  I’ve got this single dad thing covered.  I was so close to being complete.

Boom!  My life explodes and as I began to try and take better care of myself, my body fails me.  The doctor can’t tell me how long I’ve had it, but there were signs that I just didn’t know about.

I immediately had to take off from work to start treatment.  I convinced the doctor that I could handle the steroid infusion without being hospitalized.  He argued and said that people have been known to go psychotic during these treatments.  I told him that I wouldn’t have anyone to keep the kids if I was in the hospital for a week.  He finally relented.

That was a Tuesday.  I didn’t sleep at all that night.  I was truly overwhelmed with loneliness.  I desperately want to have someone to reach and touch and have them tell me that everything was going to be okay.  I spent hours online reading as much as I could about MS, the treatments and what was to follow.  There was no one there and no one within reach.  I felt like I was going to have to go this all alone.

That first week I would get up as normal and get the kids ready and off to school.  Then I would drive to the hospital where they would check my blood pressure and blood glucose levels.  Then they would insert the I.V. in the back of my hand and I would sit there for an hour.  The room had ten recliners and each day their would be different people in them.  I felt like we had all been locked up and wanted to lean over and ask, “What you in for?”

From the regular nurses to the student nurses and the various other patients that I met, everyone was so nice.  I showed pictures of my kids and we shared stories.  I think maybe that was when I felt like maybe I wasn’t in this alone.  That lasted for a week and then I started the oral steroids.  I had so many different things to take, I had to use a large pill box with the days of the week and times listed on the cover.   I made it through that week with little trouble.  Probably fatigue was the biggest issue.  I tried to stick to my normal workout routine, but somedays I felt like I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other.  One day I worked out three times.  I felt a little on edge, but nothing too extreme.  I’m sure my family and friends would say something different.

The next week was an emotional roller coaster.  One thing everyone said was to keep a positive attitude, and God knows that I tried.  I felt like a stranger in my own body.  Every pain and strange feeling I had, I didn’t know if it was from the MS or the megadoses of steroids.  My symptoms remained the same.  In fact, in some ways I felt worst then before the diagnoses.  I wasn’t sure what was happening and the doctor wasn’t much help.  According to him the symptoms would stop when I was done with the steroids.  After that I could go back to work and try to get back to normal.

I guess we will have to see about that