a treasured Christmas gift I received from a friend last December 2007. This is where I scribbled all my troubles and dreams.

I started keeping a journal since I was 13 years old. I find it very fascinating then, I was delighted with the fact that I could practice writing without dreading somebody might read my horrible English. Then I discovered the comfort and relief of pouring down anxieties and worries on the white pages. Journal writing gradually became my refuge and my “lifeline” when bad days made me think I was a useless and unworthy creature.

In my journal writing habit, I always choose a certain state of feeling where I can maximized my potential in writing. I noticed that I am more effective if my topics are about pain and sufferings. So I devoted several hours of the day, scribbling my sentiments and my “silent” heartaches in my journal.

Through the process of writing down anxieties and tribulations, I was able to record the pattern of my actions plus responses to every encounter I had with other people and alas!it helped me reassess why everything went badly, which eventually, reminded me how to be more cautious with my actions and avoid many arguments, it made me able to correct my behavior and watch out my steps.

I always write stories that are hard to tell, stories and longings that are better kept and locked inside my journal than share it to others. I might not be safe anymore.

Keeping a journal is a good way to learn more about my thoughts and feelings, but it’s not always easy because it requires rigorous self-discipline and strong determination, plus the fact that each writing activity prompted me to travel back again to the time of agony. The moment I hold the pen and faced my journal, it tossed me back again to the days where pain is tormenting.

Below are my sample entries for the month of June 2009:

A. For the past three months, I wrote about ARGUMENTS AND CONFLICTS, maybe because I was influenced with my current emotional burden. I have been carrying this heavy emotional baggage for quite sometime that it seems a part of me now. Everyday I joggled this tumultuous feeling that I am already accustomed to its weight. I discovered one agonizing truth- that Pain simply never go away, you get used to it, as time goes by. I have discovered also that emotions do not simply wither, instead they grow heavily each day that sometimes it causes me to act in ways that surprise and dismay me. So when friends suggested to simply “drop” what weighs on us and lift it to God, it sounds very absurd. In total honesty, the suggestion, though very sensible, is very difficult to follow in real life.