“While they were out, a cute little golden-haired angel, played by Priscilla Lane, appeared at their front door. She knocked.” (Knocking noises) “When no one answered, she went in. She walked past the fettuccini and headed to the liquor cabinet, where she made herself a Harvey Wallbanger.” (Ice cube clinking in a glass and liquid being poured) “She became extremely tired and headed upstairs to the bedroom. She skipped the preliminaries and fell asleep in Baby Bear’s bed.”

“Meanwhile, the Bear family came home.” (Dad would make the sound of tires screeching and the car crashing.) “Momma Bear was driving. They went into the cave and Poppa Bear noticed immediately that someone had hit his liquor cabinet and he began to cry. Poppa Bear was very sensitive about his booze.”

“Baby Bear stood at the top of the stairs and yelled down, “Hey, Pop, there”s a cute looking chic in my bed. Is possession still nine points of the law?’

“With that, Goldilocks woke up and screamed.” (Scream – like I had to tell you.) “She had never seen a little bear with a grin like that on his face before. Quickly, she jumped up and dove through the window.” (Glass crashing)

“The Three Bears chased her through the woods. Okay, so there are no woods in Chicago, this is where your imaginations are going to have to come in.”

“Goldilocks came upon a hunter who had just stopped the big, bad wolf from eating Little Red Riding Hood. Goldilocks yelled, “You”ve got to help me! These three bears are after me.’ Without another word, the hunter emptied his shotgun into the trio.” (Shotgun going off)

“Goldilocks, the hunter and Little Red Riding Hood went into business together and opened up an S&H Green Stamp Redemption Store and lived happily ever after.”

Dad would tuck us all in and, on his way out, he would turn around, smile and quietly close the door. A few seconds would pass and we would giggle ourselves to sleep as we could hear Mom, in the background, telling Dad how my brother glued my sister to a tree.