Sometimes it seems that we’ve prayed and waited for far too long before we find ourselves getting too comfortable with our current condition; we become complacent. We don’t hope too much to see the new light for fear of being disappointed again. Sometimes we still continue praying but prayer has already become a daily routine for us and we don’t include much hope and faith in it anymore.

Any married person with an estranged spouse would be able to associate with this feeling. When your spouse first moved out, you’d go on your hands and knees to beg the Lord to bring him/her back to you. You just can’t imagine living without him/her after all these years and you’re worried about how your kids will grow up without a parent. As the days, months and years go by, and there are no signs at all of your spouse ever coming back, your future becomes so vague, you start to imagine your kids’ graduation with only you and their aunties and uncles present. You still pray but you don’t hope anymore.

Something came up a couple of weeks ago which convicted me to pray. Till today, nothing has changed. So, like any other prayers, it has become just another item on the prayer list – something that I’d mumble carelessly about to the Lord. With a loud Amen (without much conviction), I end my prayers every day at the chapel, genuflect and leave for work, shrugging off the possibility of seeing any changes in the next few day.

Sometimes as I wait for Terence to come home from work at night and while I put my kids to bed, I dream of a new dawn soon. I’d smile to myself when I dream too big. Sometimes I’d write them down so if they do happen in the future, I’d be able to refer to these notes. But most of the time, after I’ve written them, I’d crumble them up and throw them away.

Right now, I just live from day to day, not adventurous anymore to try to wish for something other than what I already have. And what I already have, are good enough for me. I try to ignore the existence of financial and relationship problems. If I have the opportunity, of course I would try to deal with them. But I don’t force myself into the situation anymore. I have beautiful kids whom I love to spend time with. It’s really rewarding to be with them. You tend to forget all your problems when you’re around the young ones. I do hope and pray, however, that they will never go through what I’m going through or have gone through but that still depends on the will of the Lord. Prayer is the only thing they can inherit from me.

With another baby coming, I’m “one-kid” happier even though I’m still worried about how the condemning looks of others will affect my emotions. The government clinics will definitely lecture me on family planning and curse at natural family planning when I go to see them soon. But the Lord has already given me a sign on the day I confirmed I am expecting again – a simple rainbow which symbolises His promise to take care of my family. This is when I feel it again… His presence so much with us through all the past and present trials and I’m sure even in the future, we will not be forsaken. Doesn’t matter to me now, when my prayers will be answered or if I will ever see them answered. He is with me up and down, inside and outside, everywhere. Emmanuel – God with us…