SO here I am eating Ice Breaker sours waiting for my internet to kick in…and I tried, well I DID write on computer paper some notes on what I wanted to say on Triond, but it was taking too long.  It’s not worth typing in after I have written it down.  My hand gets tired of pen writing.  So I am thinking, it is about time I write about Scott.

After reading some one’s site blogs, I thought he was Scott, but he is not.  I am just obsessed so I think everyone who shares about forbidden love is scott.  Or i wish it to be.  I dont think i have grieved properly or enough, esp. since the past couple of days I have been more depressed than usual thinking about him again ever since i happened to come across his book in my library while clearing away all my books to take into the livingroom.  (The kitchen gets locked up/the kitchen is where my bookcase is.)

Well, so I was thinking, I wished Scott was feeling the same angst, and regret for not writing to me anymore.  It seems romantic to know he is suffering from not being my friend anymore.  I wished he would cry of missing me, but he probably didnt.  he probably doesnt even care and if he ever thinks of me it is bc i wrote to him and annoyed him with another of my emails.  my psychologist says i am smothering my men with unwanted attention.  First it was john, in whom i wrote a lot of emails to.  The first he answered the rest he ignored and then one he eventually blocked.  then i used another email address.  ahhh hahaha.  and THEN there is scott, who commented me FIRST and so i wrote back and we started corresponding until he eventually left after saying in his last letter to me that “he can and will be a friend to me who will help me be a better writer…and maybe even offer some fatherly advice.”  and then he never wrote back ever again.

I am not over greiving these two people out of my life.  john was seven yrs ago.  scott just a few months ago.

I feel like…I am NEVER going to get over them.  And if i wanted to, the two teddy bears arent going to help me to forget.  and then when re-reading my journals i will be reminded again.  and then when i feel depressed and lonely i think about them…and how my life isnt the way it is supposed to be, bc in the ideal world john and scott would be IN my life.  They belong with me.  I believe that if our lives have intertwined where i was working with them on something, then we would end up being good friends, bc that is just the kind of people we are-we click…maybe TOO much in my view.  theyre both married.

When I am middle aged, that is when I should be looking to my peers for a partner…bc that is the age level that i find most attractive.  since elementary i have always liked teachers and parents better than my peers.  they were always the nicer ones.  the ones who actually liked me.

Oh gawd, why is everyone into sex?  Whenever I go out with men that is all they want.  But with John and Scott, they arent like that.  Theyre REAL christians…not just by label but by real commitment to a godly way of life.  The kind of men who would never look at a woman in a sexual way unless it was their wife.  The kind of person that if he noticed a girl wearing a low cut shirt his eyes would always remain on her face even when she is not looking.  REAL men.

I dont know what this is.  Probably a journal.

I started doing this thing where i write even when i feel like i have nothing to say.  This is the result.  I end up writing things that come to mind no matter how lame it is.  And then I have a hard time thinking what it is i am writing bc i start typing things that i dont know where it will end up.  that is not good writing at all.  I should stop.  Think a little bit more.  But then i end up with just a pause.  a silence.  a stillness.  and NO thought.  so what good is THAT? 

I think i have a cavity.  i brush my teeth but drink coke right afterwards if i get thirsty.  i pretty much drink coke throughout the whole day.  even in the middle of the night i wake up and drink coke on my nightstand.

i am wondering if anyone is going to respond to my comments.  like are they going to read me?  are they going to comment back?  or are they going to see my new mean profile pic and saying and move on from me bc they dont like it?

Mmm these ice breakers are so good. 

I just ditched a lame idea.  Im glad i didnt write it out.  It was too boring to write.  Nope!  Not telling you.

I actually had fun reading people’s triond articles.  I got to make the stupidest comments and theres really nothing they can do about it.  it is possibly stuck on their page FOR-EV-ERR.

Ow these candy sours are hurting my tongue.  And it is caked in my teeth.

I AM SO BORED.