It had been four long weeks since I broke my ankle and the doctors told me the following things had to happen:

• I was to have my ankle put in plaster and be given two crutches.
• I was not to put any weight on my broken ankle.
• I was to keep my broken ankle raised when sitting down.
• I was to be on my crutches no more then ten minutes.
• I’ll be like this for six weeks.

I sat in front of the TV at 7:20am, my mind wandered back to the day I broke my ankle. It was late on a Saturday night and for some reason or another I was sober. I walked up the stairs to bed and somehow slipped and broke my ankle. Obviously that’s a bit of a rubbish story so when people do actually ask me how I did it I tell them “It was a huge fight, I saved a small orphaned girl in the process. Sure my ankle is broken, but hay you should see the other guys”

or

‘I was playing football, I went to score the goal that would make our team win, when out of no-where a rival team member tackled me and broke my ankle. A penalty was awarded to our team and to the better judgment of my team mates, my fans, and the small orphaned girl I took the penalty…using the foot with the broken ankle to shoot, and yes I scored the winning goal.’

Or,

and this is only if I’m feeling rather fruity “Hi I”m James Bond.’

7:30 a.m.

A repeat of last nights Big Brother starts up. A show that yet again I have been sucked in to watching. It’s a cringing, embarrassing chewed up turd of a show which makes me wish I wasn’t British. Every year I tell everyone “I”m Stuart Clarke, and I shall not watch Big Brother this year, to show you how serious I’ am I’ve written this statement in my own blood!’

Then I end up watching it. They sleep, they awake, they fight, they eat, one of them dry humps another one, they sleep, they eat…I doubt this is what Elton John was talking about when he sang “The Circle Of Life”.

9:00 a.m.

‘The Wright Stuff’, a topical debate show presented by the ever smug and ever smarmy Matthew Wright. Today he informs me that pedophiles and drug are bad while grinning like Bungle from Rainbow on ecstasy. His panel agrees that pedophiles and drugs are also bad. Viewers ring in to the show and agree with Matthew and the panel that pedophiles and drugs are bad, and the audience in the studio also agrees that pedophiles and drugs are bad.