After half an hour of this “men are bastards” act I decide to turn the TV to mute and pick up one of my crutches and pretend it’s a gun and shoot the TV, I even add the additional “BANG, BANG” noises. Men might be scum, but god, how we can make gun noises.

2:00 p.m.

On Channel Five I’m enthralled to be a guest viewer for some Daniele Steel nonsense. It’s a two hour film that reeks of self indulgence and a sickly moralistic message that makes me want to get out the fake crutch/gun and shoot myself. By the end of the film, in which a mother was fighting custody over her kids with a husband who had a mum who was dieing of something and for some reason she had an eye patch, the only thing I could fathom from it all was a huge guess that this film never made it in to the cinemas.

5:00 p.m.

Golden Balls is the newest game show on TV. Contests argue over “whose balls carry the most amount of money.” The best thing about all of this is watching Jasper Carrot (the presenter) telling contests to “open up your balls”, “lets see your balls”, “what are you hiding in your golden balls”, and trying to not to laugh.

And is it just me or is Jasper Carrot’s skin falling of his head?

Just me?

Thought so.

As Jasper say’s goodbye, dad walks in from work and asks me if “I”ve had a good day.’

I stare at dad to make sure he isn’t joking. He seems deadly serious so I tell him a white lie “yeah, it”s been okay. I’ve found a cure for cancer.’

‘Oh, well done son’ he replies before walking to the kitchen.

I turn back to the TV and turn it off. I sat there looking at the blank screen and a thought crossed my mind, a thought that made me want to burst in to tears and scream. The thought that tomorrow I’ll be doing exactly the same thing.

Jack Bauer had it easy.