For the first time in my life I am without a job, you have no Idea how hard it is to admit that, I have worked my entire life starting at the age of fourteen till now, I am sixty six years old, never before have I had to worry about the roof over my head, or have to pick between paying the electric or buying food, even when I was working and had money coming in I had to budget myself, I was able to pay everything but no always on time, somethings had to wait for the next pay check. Now no money coming in only bills, which seem to be non stop. I have borrowed all I dare from friends and family, it’s now to the point that there avoiding me for fear I’ll ask for money. Unfortunatly for me I always had the attitude that I did not need anyone that I could take care of myself, this just adds to my dilemma, now I must humble myself, not an easy thing for me but unavoidable, it seems pride and self respect are also out of my price range, a fact that to put it mildly enrages me, by the way rage is an emotion that should be avoided when asking for help, believe me I know.

The effect this is having on me is hard to put in to words, I would not go so far as to use the word depression, but I find myself unsure of things that a month ago I hardly thought about, I’m becoming withdrawn, and have moments self doubt, and not often but there are times a little self pity sneaks in. I know my age is one reason I can’t find a job, and I totally understand that position, but I still feel I am able to carry my own weight. To be perfectly truthful I never expected to live this long, I am unprepared for life at this age, who knew. I’m a sixty six year old man who thinks hes forty, I’m in excellent health and up till a month ago was living with a forty year old women, by the way she wanted to be twenty, we helped each other live the lie, that aside I feel the biggest problem for me is trying to stay focused on the issue at hand, my mind wanders, I’m not attacking the problems and taking control, I’m just flowing with them. The other day I thought up a line for a story I’m working on, it seems fitting here. I fear I will soon be standing in the rubble that was once my life. I have to admit for the first time in my life I am uncertain about my future, the one thing I am sure about is that I will survive, and for myself I have always been a hard man to keep down