So I guess there’s a name for it. This thing I’ve been feeling for more than half of my life now. If only I had the $10 copay to go see a doctor before I chicken out again, I’d finally go do something about it. But I have $2.65 and no gas in my car because the worse things get around me the less I connect to them and so I end up living in filth with a negative networth and having little motivation to get off my ass and fix any of it.

I have become comfortably numb and have been pretty much permanently in that state since about 1991. Occasionally I’m “real” for about a second or two and then all that intense unfelt emotion rises or colors seem brighter for a second and I feel like I’ve struggled up from deep waters in which I’ve been drowning. Sex or adrenaline or the act of cutting myself until it stings will force me back into perception for a while.

But on the whole the reason I take very little seriously is that it’s just a  soap opera that I’m watching and no one can convince me that any of this is reality or has consequences or gets better or worse at all. It’s just a show, i just have favorite characters, I don’t know if that can be called the same thing as love. I hope that it can. There are a handful of people that can draw me out and make me feel alive for a second or two and I tend to haunt them till they have to make me go away, but I’m lucky they’re there in any case. So why the bleep don’t I just admit it and go to a professional and get it “fixed?”

As the old joke goes, I think because I need the eggs…