I was raised in a Christian home, coming from a family line of strong religious ties to Christianity. My great-great grandmother was the first female reverend of the Pentecostal faith. In her time, she performed over 700 wedding ceremonies, and 100 some funeral proceedings. During the Dark and Middle Ages, her ancestors, the Waltons of Walton/Norwich, England, for two generations served as the Bishop(s) of Norwhich under King John and King Henry III. I was quite an avid churchgoer, and my faith was almost unshakeable. As an infant, I was baptised in a Luthern church, and at the age of 14, chose to be baptized into the Free Methodist Faith. In 8th grade, I had decided that I wanted to attend a Christian college, had twice served as a missionary on the Navajo Reservation in Farmington, New Mexico, and had an emblem of a dove, cross, and bible under the precious blue stone.

But around the time of that baptism, I began to change. No one had wanted to volunteer to pray for me at the baptism. Some people looked at me differently because I wore pants instead of fancy skirts and dresses. Some people wouldn’t talk to me at all. I began to feel quite uncomfortable in my own skin, and while my faith was still strong, stopped attending weekly services. My Christian friends there stopped talking to me, for the most part. One of them actually stayed in contact with me for a few months, but then eventually the friendship faded away. Perhaps this was because of the reference in the bible to the “unequal yoke”… or the association / unassociation with believers, non-believers, and people of your own denomination. This was what began my mind to re-think religion over the years. In the bible, it says to “Love thy neighbor as thy brother.” “We are all children in the eyes of God.”

When my final year of high school came, and I began to fill out applications for the bible college that I had wanted to attend. They had strict rules intact that unless you lived offcampus or in student housing, that you MUST reside on campus dormitories until you were 23 years of age… and were not allowed to stay over night anywhere that there might also be members of the opposite sex staying, family or not. This, quite frankly, pissed me off. Not because it was a rule to be obeyed, but because te founders of these rules automatically assumed that the student would be procreating. As adults, we are capable of staying where there are members of the opposite sex without having displays of affection, having sex… I mean, I have male friends that are just that. Friends. I firmly believe that if the college couldn’t place enough trust in me as a student to live on my own or with roommates because they thought I might be committing some sort of sin, then they could never respect me. I decided against going to this college.

It was a few years later that I first heard the terms Wiccan and Pagan. And they meant little to me at the time. After watching the Kevin Smith movie, “Dogma”, I really began to re-think things through in regards to my Christian beliefs. The movie brought up many interesting points in the wording and interperatations of the bible. The bible leaves so many questions unanswered, to be interperated and made into assumptions of believers. Then, there is the matter of the “missing gospels”, such as the Book of St. Thomas, which the Catholic Church fails to acknowledge it as a holy Christian teaching. This book is the subject matter of the movie “Stigmata” (with Patricia Arquette and Gabriel Byrne). A translated teaching from this gospel states “The kingdom of God is in you and all around you. Lift a rock and you will find me. Lift a piece of wood and you will find me there”. This really made me begin to think.

While I met several practioners of various Wiccan and Pagan traditions through the years, it wasn’t until I met Johnny that my mind began to open to the idea. On Samhain night, we began conversing heavily upon a wide variety of supernatural and religious ideas and subjects. He spoke to me about Wicca , his beliefs and practices. Although very introverted when it comes to his religion, he opened up to me and it was at this point that my life began to change, slowly. We talked about the dreams I’d had as a child of me standing outside of the Stonehenge, the look and feel of the English countryside, and of someone standing in downtown London as one of the double-decked busses passed by… They were wearing a silvery-blue rain coat. I was three or four at the time, and told my mother all about the “weird circle of rocks” and that I watched white noise on the telly to “talk to the people”. This of course, disturbed her a great deal as it would most parents. Growing up, I had an encounter of living in a house posessed by a poltergeist. It was frightening enough that most visitors would run out of the house in the middle of the night – Without shoes or a means of lighting, despite the fact that we lived nearly one mile from a paved surface.. and the fact that passers would have to either walk through or walk over a running creek on a small, plank bridge. (This bridge mind you, was suspended about 14 feet above the water). My great grandmoter passed away in 1997, and it stirred up some problems in the extended family. About 7 months later, I had this dream where I saw my great-grandmother before me, crying, and hearing her voice, without her lips moving say “The war must stop”….There was an airy appearance about her. She smiled and I woke up, her voice ringing soundly in my head.

Upon hearing this, Johnny began to worry a bit. He’d told me that he wasn’t a fond practioner of magik itself, but worked a bit of candle magic that evening for me, after having asked my permission. It was that night that I began learning about Wicca over a period of time. That was nearly 5 years ago.

I am solitary. I know that some do not believe in the “self taught”, but for various reasons, Johnny was unable to mentor me. I believe that this is where his journey with me was to end.. He was to serve as a guide. The city life I was living was empty.. Horrible, fill of crime, hate, and people that had little regard for the earth, for others, or themselves for that matter. It was slowly eating away at me.. Just existing day to day, with no purpose except to be a parent. At the moment, I live in a small, somewhat religious community in rural Central Illinois.

I’ve read lots and studied lots. I am by NO means “well” taught, nor do I consider myself a priestess as some solitaries often do. I consider myself a student.. a child of The Goddess and a worshipper of Isis. I’ve experienced things that some might consider “miraculous”. I belive that Jesus Christ was a real person, a real man who did some very great things. I do not deny the existence of Christianity. I however, do not believe that he is my saviour, nor that anyone is my saviour. The only person who is going to save me is myself. I’ve had people.. who have been sent to me along the way.. Such as Johnny… A very, very old soul (he and I strongly believe we’ve met in previous lifetimes)… Rich, Haider, Tommy, Mandi… People to help pull you through when I’ve lost my way and gone off track in life. People can save my physical being, but in the end, I and I alone am in charge of my spirituality.

I myself study about the gods and goddesses of many pantheons, Thoth and Persphone being among my favourites. While I do take time to acknowledge each quarter and cross quarter, I don’t hold big celebrations and ceremonies for each… I do, however, put a great deal into celebrating Beltane and Samhain, with or without the presence of others. While this is lonely, sometimes it’s for the better. I do wish that I could find others who share my faith that live close to me, or to become closer to, to share our knowledge and faith with one another. I’m what most people consider a wallflower, and am not sure if I could handle being part of a large coven, while at the same time, I do yearn for that companionship and the feeling of brother/sister hood that often comes with coven life. I do not practice magik often. In fact, when I do, it’s usually deep meditation or candle magik. I have a larger than usual, more prepared dinner at Samhain at which time I consecrate the area, ask for the guidence of my departed friends and family, prepare a place setting for them for dinner, and leave a candle for them. At Beltane, I spend as much time out of doors as I can, harmonizing and reconnecting with The Goddess and the wonderous gifts of love and beauty that she has bestowed upon us by talking with the plant and animal life around me as well as meditating.

As of lately, I feel like a deserter.. not because I want to. My mother is a hypocritical Christian. She believes that things such as horror movies, role playing games, most rock music, and alternative life styles are evil. I do believe that there is evil… But I also believe that energy is the basis of every form of life, and that energy can be manipulated…. However, I don’t believe that my soul shall be lost wandering because I chose to watch a movie about some psycho killer, or played a game that involves text and acting instead of a board game….That perhaps I find the lyrics or music to a song to be interesting or beautiful, or the fact that I am polyamorous and pansexual. I believe that we were granted free will for a reason… So that we could each make our own decisions as to how to live our lives. It’s just unfortunate that some have to abuse others or be ignorant towards others because they do not nessicarily like, agree with, or are afraid of the other persons beliefs and habits. My parents do not know any of these things about me. I fear greatly if they do, that they will ostracize me with the ferocity seen in the burning times… I do not agree with my family, nor do I have a use for hypocrisy, but I feel quite naked without my pentacle,…. and without being able to study my text in the open. But I guess that this is all a part of having free will.

I once heard a little girl cry because her class mate had tragically passed away. The girl’s parents told her that her friend was going to go to hell because her friend wasn’t a Catholic. The girl approached a nun in tears, explaining the situation, and asking the sister of her friend would go to hell.

“Was she a good girl?” the nun asked.
“Yes,” replied the girl.
“Then you have nothing to fear child. God loves ALL his children.”

Jesus said love thy neighbor. Not love thy neighbor only if they were white. Not to love them just because they are rich. He never said to hate them or treat others differently because they weren’t Christian. Just would Jesus do?