I need soap for my mind. I suffer from severe chronicle manic depression. The only thing I seem to percisly master, is crying.  I’ve been committed to the Institution of Psychiatry over the summer for a failed suicide attempt. After I was dismissed from the hospital I thought I was perfectly fine, and that I would never have to face my depression again. But it disturbed me once more about two months later; and ever since It has occurred, it doesn’t seem to go away no matter what I do. I still attend my psychiatrist, and that alone doesn’t even seem enough.

I’ve taken a variety of anti-depressents. Zolof, that just made me want to kill somebody. Prozac, that just made me want to kill myself. Cymbalta, I actually tried to commit suicide on that one. And now I am currently on Wellbutrin. The only difference I can notice in Wellbutrin is having a dry mouth and getting irritated easily. So I just currently stopped taking it. My moods are never balanced. I’m fine right now at the moment. My mind is clear, I’m processing thoughts at normal speed, and my energy is low. But when I’m not content, I’m a complete disaster. For example of yesterday: I felt sleepy and had no emotions at all – I wasn’t stressed out anymore so that was great, but I wasn’t happy , sad, angry, nothing – I was like a robot emotionally – only a low functioning robot because I was so sleepy and had absolutely no energy. Unloading the dishwasher became a 2 hour chore because I couldn’ focus on it for more than 30 second periods, then my mind started racing, then I had all this “energy” which now I believe was a drug induced mania from all the medications I’m taking. Lately I have been sleeping only 2-3 hours a night, calling people- anybody who would listen and rambling on about nothing for hours. Then came the rage- intense and deep anger about everything , toward everybody, all the time. Then of course 95lbs of depression weighing on my mind. I came home sobbing like a baby for no reason at all. Trying to grasp air, and breath while drinking my own tears. I contemplate suicide more than I should. The only thing that seems to keep me from attempting it again is fear of not succeeding, and also because I look forward to my future. But even that thought itself still attracts negative intentions of questioning the thought of if I will ever even make it in the “real world”
 
I can’t stand myself. I have no respect for who I am. Which is something I desperatly need to work on; self-esteem. I love to help people, that is what I plan on doing with my life. Being a psychiatrist. But look at me. I can’t even help myself, so how am I suppose to believe I can help others? 
 
My emotions are just driving me crazy. I feel like Rachel Reiland in what she expressed in her book, “Get Me Out of Here”. I will never be normal. I will never succeed the way I should. I will barly get by in life. My grades suck. Well, not at the moment.. But I can promise you that they won’t stay elevated for long. I have insomnia, depression and ADD. I’ve been taking Adderall ever since I’ve started school, 1st grade. I don’t know how to function without it. I depend on my medication more than I should. But It is all I have ever known.
 
So I’m still waiting for that miracle pill to heal my emotions. I would just like a pill that doesn’t make me loose my appetite more than what it already is. I can’t seem to gain more than 95lbs no matter what I do. I don’t eat breakfast because I don’t have time in the morning and I don’t eat at school because I don’t like their food (I’m really picky) But when I get home I binge. It’s just I have such a high/fast metabolism that it is almost unhealthy for me. So their is just another problem to exploit out their.