Dear Mrs. Letterman,

Before getting to the main point of this letter let us apologize on behalf of CBS and its (mainly female) employees for the turn of events which convinced us to write it. As you might have heard your husband has recently decided, by himself and without any encouragement on our part, to admit in public that he had had sex with some of our employees who work under his supervision. At the moment we only know about female employees who for some reason (certainly not his sex appeal – none of those employees even mentioned that) decided that it may be beneficial to their well-being to have sex with him. Due to the revenue produced by your husband we decided not to respond to those declarations of his. That decision has put us under a lot of pressure - some of our viewers claimed that by deciding not to respond we in fact have made CBS the whorehouse of television, preferring revenues to decency. It has also damaged the morale of our female employees, especially those with a high rank, some of whom are suspected by their spouses of using sex in order to be promoted to their high positions in CBS, and finally the public in general does not look favorably on that decision of ours.

Your husband assured us that in spite of the fact that he had sex with our employees many times, this will never happen again, but we still would like to ask for your collaboration in this matter. It is our belief that your husband’s actions are the result of sexual starvation – evidently you have not satisfied his sexual appetite and that pushed him to look for satisfaction somewhere else. It is regrettable that he chose CBS as the venue of his pursuits, but you have to remember that other than his high position and his money he does not have much to offer to a potential sex partner. It was therefore natural for him to look for sex where he thought he could get it. What we need from you, Mrs. Letterman, is your commitment to satisfy your husband sexually. Being more specific, we request that you make sure to have at least three orgasms per night and please do not refrain from using other means to help him reach his noble goal. Please don’t let him sleep unless he is totally exhausted. We are also willing to help you in this endeavor – we have among our employees some sex experts who will be more than glad to show you how to make your husband a happily married and satisfied man. We are also willing to fund any equipment and medicines that you may need in order to reach this goal. This is the only way we can be sure that your husband will stay faithful to his promise and to you. We believe that this is also your best chance of keeping him and his money for yourself, and is this not your real purpose? Needless to say, it will also be very helpful to CBS which is anxious to put those regrettable events behind us, and as you know from past experience, you will be rewarded generously for your efforts.

Good luck and God bless,

The CBS Management