Dear Brett,

If you’re reading this note, you know that I’m long gone. All of your Wranglers are on the lawn. I’ve cleansed every copy of “There’s Something About Mary” in a fire, and donated every other piece of memorabilia to people more in need of such trash. . .mostly Lions fans.

Look Brett, this was bound to happen. I mean something that comes on so unexpectedly and emotionally can’t end well. Man, the Packers were so bad for so long, and we desperately needed a hero. Even Paul Hornung, who was calling that first preseason game, kept calling you Brett Fayvor. After that first game where you brought the Packers back, you really got everyone all flustered. You were like the second coming of well, Don Majkowski. Then the wins kept on coming. That was so hot. You were such a stud.

Sure, we had our rough times. First the 49ers, then the Cowboys. The Vikings would come and go, mostly go, but we overcame them. You had your problems with interceptions, a knack for losing fumbles, and your desire to throw balls from one sideline over to the opposite sideline 70 yards downfield were all frustrating. But all of this was overcome with your joy and the fact that we were together. Two Superbowls and three MVPs made you the hottest quarterback despite all that. Man, your flaws were so easy to overlook because of that beauty and charm that you had.

Brett, oh Brett. Over the course of the last few years, you’ve changed, and I just don’t feel like I know you anymore. Madden keeps his man crush, but I just can’t do this. He doesn’t know you like I do. I tried to give you a chance this year, after you quit, came back, didn’t want to be a distraction, told us it’d be just like before, but we’d moved on, then eventually kept up appearances for the sake of the relationship. I’m going to say it. . .you can’t carry a team anymore. Teams just don’t need carrying though either. You just don’t get it though. The best team we’d had since Reggie left was the year that ended with 4th and 26. We did have a great year together just last year while you played along with the guys around you instead of haphazardly throwing the ball wherever you thought it fit. Then this year. . .did you have a bet with Bus that you could throw 30 interceptions, still make the playoffs and get offered another contract?

By the way, the ‘aw shucks’ thing doesn’t work for a grown man, especially one that is supposed to be as good as you are at your job. I think that you now believe all of the good things that have been said about you over the years. You used to come off as genuinely surprised that people even noticed you. That worked for the 25 year old kid from Mississippi. It’s a bit weird from a shadow of a living legend. Can you imagine a supremely talented middle-aged engineer used to early success coming to work after a crane crushed a project, and not having answers for his boss, or giving him some tired don’t-pick-on-me drawl? Grow up and stop believing Tony Kornheiser and Terry Bradshaw.

Brett, don’t even try calling. I’ve changed my number and none of my friends are on my side. Don’t call my mother, she doesn’t want to hear from you. I think that it’s better if we keep our distance. In time, some of the wounds that you’ve inflicted on me may heal. When you go into Canton, I may still wear my number 4 jersey, but it will only be nostalgic. I will still remember all of those times that you burned me. You were hot Brett, there’s no doubt about it. You let me in, and let me get to know you. I was there when you drank too much, needed pills, Erv died, Deanna got cancer, her brother died and your ma’s house was flooded. I stood by you for all that time. But I can’t do it anymore.

Sincerely,
You Know Who

P.S.
My new quarterback is younger and hotter.