Dear Mrs. Adams,

            I am sorry to hear about the death of your cat Mr. Sniffles.  He was certainly an inspiration to us all.  He will definitely go to heaven.  This leads me to the reason I write.  While your cat was an angel in the army of Jesus, you are lacking as even a drummer boy. 

            At the last service you donated less than twenty dollars.  It’s a well-known fact that your husband makes a six figure salary.   Does our Lord not preach charity?  Can you not even spare enough to compensate for the damages caused by your singing?  I mean you do know that you are no Celine Dion.  You sing so loudly and proudly that the rest of us cringe at your enthusiasm.  At the very least, if you aren’t going to donate, be quiet.

            Finally, I think your soul can be saved.  As your pastor I recommend a vow of silence.

Sincerely,

Pastor George