One day our fictitious Mrs Wellbeloved (Gertie to her friends) received the following letter…..

An Important Message from LADY SWINDELLS, PATRON OF the Freemasonettes of Old Lancashire

Established 1899

Dear Mrs Wellbeloved,

As a long serving member of that steadfast English tradition, the Women’s Institute, you will be pleased to discover that you qualify for automatic membership of our equally worthy organisation The Freemasonettes of Old Lancashire, fondly referred to by the acronym, FOOL.

Way back in 1899, our founder member, Mrs Helen Horseback, after enduring many a lonely evening deprived of her husband’s company as he attended his Freemason’s meetings, had the remarkable idea of establishing a similar club for local ladies who were also suffering abandonment by their spouses on this flimsy excuse. Mrs Horseback was not a woman to be trifled with. She was incensed by the fact that her husband, a local justice of the peace, would not reveal the secret goings on of his exclusive band of brothers. On the fateful night of January 23rd, 1899, she wrapped herself in a black cloak and followed him at a safe distance determined to find out what he got up to in the local civic hall every Wednesday. Secreting herself behind a convenient holly bush just beneath a window, legend has it that she watched the proceedings in ever growing horror and amazement. It’s said from that day forward she lost all faith in the male sex and insisted on separate bedrooms, though she steadfastly refused to reveal the details of what she had observed.

Being a woman of great resourcefulness and courage, she vowed that the Freemasonettes would be grounded in principles of practicality and wholesomeness and would ensure that all women of the genteel classes were prepared for the more distasteful aspects of marriage to “men of honour”. Her famous book “The politesse of marriage for the woman of class” was a minor classic and read avidly by ladies in Lancashire and even Cheshire. Its said that she was the first person to suggest the use of a turkey baster as a more hygienic and woman-friendly means of achieving pregnancy and her handy tips for extracting the necessary fluid have been described as both ingenious and insightful, if on occasion a little cruel.

Of course, times have changed since then. Sadly, women are being brainwashed into believing that intercourse with men is desirable and the Horseback Method has lost some of its appeal. We Freemasonettes have never faced a more formidable challenge as we do today, to educate the female sex on the best and most pragmatic way to secure lifelong financial security and the odd child without compromising our freedom from the less dignified and downright distasteful roles men seek to impose upon us, as their wives.

By joining the Freemasonettes you and your ladies at Bolton Women’s Institute can partake in a series of seminars and lectures based on the Horseback Method. Here are just a few of the more popular subjects covered in this comprehensive course which I’m sure they will welcome:-

• “The importance of good colonic irrigation for suppressing unwanted urges in the older man”
• “Perfumes that repel”
• “The art of womanly argument “
• “How to instil a deep sense of guilt”
• “How to stay out of his bed and still stay married”
• “How to make sure its always his fault”
• “Keeping him guessing: why a confused man always pays the rent”
• “Delicious recipes for a quiet married life: the importance of stodge before bedtime”

Sign up now using the form provided and you will receive a beautiful free gift of a set of limited edition authentic Lancashire pudding basins that will enhance any kitchen, plus a very handy and heavy wooden spoon. A single subscription is only £50 for a whole year. Or, if you wish, a group subscription of £450 allows ten ladies to enjoy the benefits of being a FOOL for life!

Yours very sincerely,

Lady Constance Swindells.

The Manse

Chestnut Lane

Bolton.

NB. Due to a temporary shortage of administrative staff could you please make your cheque payable directly to me and mail it to the address above. Thank you.