Dear Fred,

Thank you so much for your letter telling me how much you still love me,and for your offer of a meal in a fancy restaurant. But I have to say no.

As I know your enormous ego will find this difficult to understand,here are the reasons why;

Firstly, as far as I recall, your idea of a meal out generally meant burger and fries,and,if I was really lucky,a hot apple pie. When I said I wanted to go somewhere with candles on the table,it was not an appropriate response to ask if there had been a power cut.

The last time you offered to take me out, it cost me not only the price of the food ad a LOT of drinks (you “forgot” your wallet) but I also had to pay the fine for the taxi you threw up all over on the way home. Offering me “shex” at this point was ot your best move.I never found men to be at their most attractive when incapable of standing up.

I know we all pass wind from time to time, but I would prefer not to go out with someone to whom it appears to be his sole hobby.

I hear the wonderful young blonde you left me for has dumped you. How flattering that you have come crawling back to me the following day! But as you are now used to dating someone with the intellect of the average toddler,I fear you may find my conversation a bit too demanding.

So no, I will not go out with you this weekend . but thanks for letting me know how miserable you are. It gave me the best laugh I have had in weeks .

XXX