Here she goes again. She hates doing this but she can’t help it.

With the music accompanying her moves, her long, brown arm reaches to the regular item in her desk, sitting there forever. The diary. She wants to keep away from it. In fact, she hasn’t touched it for a month. But that isn’t long enough and it’s like a ghost hunting her to make some scribble on it, plot some memories that would satisfy the thing’s soul but agonize her own. Powerless to resist, she turned the pages, slowly, painfully reminiscing the words that were buried on the light brown shade of the paper. One word alone can contain many stories of happiness and wounds.

“I’ve cried my eyes out. Oh and now I face the years. The way you love me vanished all the tears”

Sings the song.

“Had he ever loved me?”

“Like the way I loved him, and still loving him..?”

She looked down, closed her eyes for a moment, trying to soothe the torment.

“God, I can’t be sure so I can’t be unrest.”

She gets a pen and starts scribbling.

-

Dear Jun,

I’m still counting, you know. 2 years, 6 months and 6 days, if I’ll start counting when you first left. But since you returned last July of last year, and you stayed for almost 2 weeks, then..Should it be worth discounting? 1 week and some days is barely enough.

-

She laughs at herself.

“Yeah, counting is fine. As if it helps. It just adds to the history.”

“Damn you. You still can’t get over.”

She fights herself.

” ’cause I’m gonna love you for the rest of my life. I’m holding you safe here in this heart of mine. I can’t live without you ’cause my soul would die. You know I’m telling the truth. I’ll spend the rest of my life loving you”

Plays another song.

She shakes her head.

“What a stupid song. Reminds me of myself”

She sets her hand back to writing.

-

But I still treasure those quick days. I treasure everything about you, to be honest. Even the hurts from longing and waiting, I bitterly treasure them. The pages of this diary is filled with your name. That is one proof. And every letter contains hope that you’ll come back, to at least, hear my confessions. Then, you can walk away again if you don’t want it. Just set me free.

-

“He is not caging you. You are caging yourself. It’s only you”

A tear rolls down her cheek. And one more followed. She’s crying now. She knows the dimness of her actions but she can’t help herself. And with the tears wetting her diary, she continues writing her heart out. The tears are now scars in the heart of her words and she knows they’re going to weigh down but she still goes on scribbling them.

-

If I can only find you, I wouldn’t be waiting anymore. But you left me with no trace. When are you going to show up?

Always,

Kris

-

She ends the letter as if it’s waiting to be answered.

But she knows. There will be no answer. Only blindness and a courageous faith that will keep hoping and waiting.

“I’ll find you if it takes a million dreams. I’ll find you. I know you’re out there somewhere. I’ll find you, don’t give up on me. I’ll find you, I swear.”

The last song sings before she closes her eyes to sleep. Or, to an eternity of sleep, as she hopes.