I write this not in the midnight hour nor after I’ve polished off a bottle of vodka after leafing through pages of memories filled with your face. I write it in an early morning hour after listening to a song that filled my life after you left me 5 years ago.

I hate you for making me feel unwanted. I hate you for making me feel no longer worthy of your love. You made a choice for me and it is not a choice I would have made. I hate you for allowing me to give it all to you – my life, my love, my trust. I hate you for taking it all away. I hate you for redefining forever. Some in my life said it was a blessing, I say it was a curse. I no longer think of you hourly or even daily but when the memory of you finds me it burns through every fiber in my being. It feels like I am being pelted with a million stinging drops of rain. Not a rain that washes away or cleanses. Then just like that your memory dries up, the pain stays and I know you will return again. The wallowing and self hate I feel is caused more by me than by you. But it is because of you that I allow myself to feel this way. You’ll never understand what you have fully done to me. You’ll never understand that from that point on, when you said “I can’t do this anymore”, you will have a hand in every relationship I walk into.

I thank you for making me realize that I was stronger than I could ever be. I thank you for making me make choices that I would have never made. I thank you for not letting me live in a life with someone who wasn’t in the same place as I but I am also ungrateful for it. I no longer wait for your phone calls or look for your face in those of others. 

I have loved you and held onto what could have been for so long. At some point I will have to let it all go from me but I don’t know when that will be. I do hope misery has found you in some form only because it has found me in so many others. Maybe when I finally let go of all you brought to me, gave to me and sent me away with then I can wish you happiness. Until then …