A letter I wrote to my family after nearly dying. After this near death experience and this letter; I still got no response. The ultimate rejection.
I do not what else to do!
Despite my attempts to earn the unconditional love and affection I crave from each one of you; I have failed. I have lived with so much love in my heart despite my faults. I wish I was able to be a person worthy of the love I crave but it is obvious that this will never be. I cant comprehend why I am so different from other people; why I will never be loved the way that others are. I have grown up with a heart full of love; compassion and hope for humanity; I try so hard to be there for every person who needs someone and I never expect anything in return. I feel happiest when I know I am making others happy. I always beleived in Karma- if I love unconditionally and choose to ignore and forgive other peoples misgivings then eventually I will be forgiven for being a screwed up teenager and leaving my family to seek love to fill the emptiness I felt in my heart.I truely believed that although a screw up when I was young- I had learnt my lessons in life and become a truely loyal and acceptable human being- perhaps good enough to be forgiven for what you all see as obviously unforgivable. How I see myself is obviously wrong- I dont know what else I can do to earn a place back in someones heart. I have chosen the course of my life consiously- taking full responsibility for any faults or flaws. I know that I really have nothing special to offer in exchange for a place in your lives- a place that matters in your hearts. I have searched and asked for the answers- what must I do to be loved- to be wanted- to not be a shame or burden on those I wish to love.
I accept that any chance there ever was; passed a long time ago-
I am so tired now ! I have finally realised that my biggest problem is myself- I refused to see or believe what was clearly stated to me- I will never earn your love or respect- there is nothing about me that deserves this. I have failed to understand why but I have finally accepted that despite not understanding; it has been made very clear to me that this was not just something that could be fixed.
6 months ago I lay in the flinders hospital operating room with at least 20 medical staff; working against odds to save my life- They seemed to care if I lived or died- which was very nice.
It was the most peaceful I had ever felt in my life- I wanted to close my eyes -I felt for the first time in my life that everyone would be fine without me. i felt my answer was to just slip away. I cannot explain the peace that came over me- the answer i have craved for as long as I can remember- was to leave all those I believed i was meant to be here for. my mistake was to believe that i was needed or wanted by any of you.
It was the fear on the doctors and nurses faces that scared me- I was trying to reassure them that it was ok- I was meant to pass on- as long as my baby was ok- which there was never any concern for him- then just let me go. The doctor would not allow this- I only had 1 litre of blood left which is the point of death- but something happened- after an hour and a half of unsuccessful attempts to give me a blood transfusion- I was spared! the surgery was horrific-I was awake when they cut me open and took james from me-unable to have anything due to no blood- no blood pressure- little hope. 40 stiches internally to repair the placenta previa which was the cause of my internal bleeding and 20 outside. My internal damage still healing. I had been unwell for 3 months previous to this but didnt want to burden anyone with my concerns-I had to explain why no one close to me was concerned enough to insist on medical attention. I had no answers? When Mum was alone with the nurses she attempted to insist that I was an unfit mother- ‘a junkie’ as my dear brother potrays me to the world (This is a huge lie- but why dispute it- no one cares enough to defend or believe it) Thankfully the nurses are not my family and were able to judge me by the person I am- (and medical exams)- no amount of gossip and lies can over write a scientific blood test; but it did take a while for this to come thru- so after near death I had to face that my family were only upset that I was still there to prove their terrible representation of me was not correct. Some how I manipulated the medical exams and blood test- because Michael told them different so it must be true.
Less than 24hrs after near death I saw only my children happy to see me alive.
The thought of anyone of you dying suddenly just makes me think about life so differently- to lose you for ever without saying I love you is something I can not imagine living with- 6 months after nearly dying I see that this does not apply in return.
I am sorry I am not able to understand why I am hated so much- I am definately not perfect but I think I could of been much worse than I am- There is little hate or bitterness inside me; when it does surface I fight hard to bring back the basic feelings of love for you all!
I am now aware that there is/never was love for me- Unfortunately I am unable to supress my views on the world to buy myself a little affection! but I also cannot turn my affection for you to hate- this would be much easier. I love you all and always have-
I wish I had died- I can not imagine life without my kids so selfishly I live because my children are mine until they tell me otherwise- but I do wonder if this is just a selfish act- I have no choice but to believe that if I were gone then life would be full of love for them- not full of people who hate their mother. They suffer the same rejection you have given me all my life life just because I am their mother.
I just wanted to say that I love you all and I wish I could understand why we all see things so differently! Obviously I am the only one who thinks like I do- so I must be wrong! I am truely alone in this life and finally have accepted that as the best for everyone.
I am sorry for what ever it is that makes me unloveable- I am sorry that knowing I almost died was not enough to provoke any feeling of regret for not being in my life- at least now I know that hoping otherwise is just a waste of time-
I wish everyone of you the best in life- I am so sorry for not knowing what to be sorry for- I am sorry for being me.? My children are wonderful and I love them beyond anything imaginable- Please dont poison their minds against me but please do not punish them for being a product of me. Everyone of them are much more deserving than me- please love them- they deserve it. Perhaps I am the cause of Richards mental illness-I never intended this- never believed it- but considering the thought of me dying didnt even raise a eyebrow- I see that what else could it be. I wish I could see what everyone hates in me-why I am not as deserving as the rest of humanity?
Time is short- please know I loved you all despite any flaws I may have burdened you all with. Please know that I never wanted to be a burden on anyone ever- I promise I will never be again
Love to you all
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