A letter I wrote to my family after nearly dying. After this near death experience and this letter; I still got no response. The ultimate rejection.

Dear Family;
I do not what else to do!
Despite my attempts to earn the unconditional love and affection I crave from each one of you; I have failed. I have lived with so much love in my heart despite my faults. I wish I was able to be a person worthy of the love I crave but it is obvious that this will never be. I cant comprehend why I am so different from other people; why I will never be loved the way that others are. I have grown up with a heart full of love; compassion and hope for humanity; I try so hard to be there for every person who needs someone and I never expect anything in return. I feel happiest when I know I am making others happy. I always beleived in Karma- if I love unconditionally and choose to ignore and forgive other peoples misgivings then eventually I will be forgiven for being a screwed up teenager and leaving my family to seek love to fill the emptiness I felt in my heart.I truely believed that although a screw up when I was young- I had learnt my lessons in life and become a truely loyal and acceptable human being- perhaps good enough to be forgiven for what you all see as obviously unforgivable. How I see myself is obviously wrong- I dont know what else I can do to earn a place back in someones heart. I have chosen the course of my life consiously- taking full responsibility for any faults or flaws. I know that I really have nothing special to offer in exchange for a place in your lives- a place that matters in your hearts. I have searched and asked for the answers- what must I do to be loved- to be wanted- to not be a shame or burden on those I wish to love.
I accept that any chance there ever was; passed a long time ago-
 I am so tired now ! I have finally realised that my biggest problem is myself- I refused to see or believe what was clearly stated to me- I will never earn your love or respect- there is nothing about me that deserves this. I have failed to understand why but I have finally accepted that despite not understanding; it has been made very clear to me that this was not just something that could be fixed.
6 months ago I lay in the flinders hospital operating room with at least 20 medical staff; working against odds to save my life- They seemed to care if I lived or died- which was very nice.
It was the most peaceful I had ever felt in my life- I wanted to close my eyes -I felt for the first time in my life that everyone would be fine without me. i felt my answer was to just slip away. I cannot explain the peace that came over me- the answer i have craved for as long as I can remember- was to leave all those I believed i was meant to be here for. my mistake was to believe that i was needed or wanted by any of you.
It was the fear on the doctors and nurses faces that scared me- I was trying to reassure them that it was ok- I was meant to pass on- as long as my baby was ok- which there was never any concern for him- then just let me go. The doctor would not allow this- I only had 1 litre of blood left which is the point of death- but something happened- after an hour and a half of unsuccessful attempts to give me a blood transfusion- I was spared! the surgery was horrific-I was awake when they cut me open and took james from me-unable to have anything due to no blood- no blood pressure- little hope. 40 stiches internally to repair the placenta previa which was the cause of my internal bleeding and 20 outside. My internal damage still healing. I had been unwell for 3 months previous to this but didnt want to burden anyone with my concerns-I had to explain why no one close to me was concerned enough to insist on medical attention. I had no answers? When Mum was alone with the nurses she attempted to insist that I was an unfit mother- ‘a junkie’ as my dear brother potrays me to the world (This is a huge lie- but why dispute it- no one cares enough to defend or believe it) Thankfully the nurses are not my family and were able to judge me by the person I am- (and medical exams)- no amount of gossip and lies can over write a scientific blood test; but it did take a while for this to come thru- so after near death I had to face that my family were only upset that I was still there to prove their terrible representation of me was not correct. Some how I manipulated the medical exams and blood test- because Michael told them different so it must be true.
Less than 24hrs after near death I saw only my children happy to see me alive.
The thought of anyone of you dying suddenly just makes me think about life so differently- to lose you for ever without saying I love you is something I can not imagine living with- 6 months after nearly dying I see that this does not apply in return.
I am sorry I am not able to understand why I am hated so much- I am definately not perfect but I think I could of been much worse than I am- There is little hate or bitterness inside me; when it does surface I fight hard to bring back the basic feelings of love for you all!
 I am now aware that there is/never was love for me- Unfortunately I am unable to supress my views on the world to buy myself a little affection! but I also cannot turn my affection for you to hate- this would be much easier. I love you all and always have-
I wish I had died- I can not imagine life without my kids so selfishly I live because my children are mine until they tell me otherwise- but I do wonder if this is just a selfish act- I have no choice but to believe that if I were gone then life would be full of love for them- not full of people who hate their mother. They suffer  the same rejection you have given me all my life life just because I am their mother.
I just wanted to say that I love you all and I wish I could understand why we all see things so differently! Obviously I am the only one who thinks like I do- so I must be wrong! I am truely alone in this life and finally have accepted that as the best for everyone.
I am sorry for what ever it is that makes me unloveable- I am sorry that knowing I almost died was not enough to provoke any feeling of regret for not being in my life- at least now I know that  hoping otherwise is just a waste of time-
I wish everyone of you the best in life- I am so sorry for not knowing what to be sorry for- I am sorry for being me.? My children are wonderful and I love them beyond anything imaginable- Please dont poison their minds against me but please do not punish them for being a product of me. Everyone of them are much more deserving than me- please love them- they deserve it. Perhaps I am the cause of Richards mental illness-I never intended this- never believed it- but considering the thought of me dying didnt even raise a eyebrow- I see that what else could it be. I wish I could see what everyone hates in me-why I am not as deserving as the rest of humanity?
Time is short- please know I loved you all despite any flaws I may have burdened you all with. Please know that I never wanted to be a burden on anyone ever- I promise I will never be again
Love to you all
Jacquie

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  • Katie Marie on Apr 29, 2009

    This mother’s heart breaks as I read your pain.

  • Mrs. Turaz on Apr 29, 2009

    I had read it but I couldn’t find what happened? Were you lost your baby?

  • fishfry aka Elizabeth Figueroa on Apr 29, 2009

    the pain is like a knife bearing deeper and deeper within. No one can be that horrific; where does a mom go on from here?

  • account deleted on Apr 30, 2009

    This is painful to read, but hopeful as well. You are recognising something of your own value, though you deny it in some of your words, in asking why some seem to hold you valueless. You are right, they are wrong. You are a valuable person to those whose opinions really matter; your children, those of us that are glad you are here at Triond, and the one that you know will always find you and your love of value.

    Thank you for posting this.

  • michael griffiths on Oct 9, 2010

    this is crap jacquie and you know it who was there when something happened in sydney i wont mention i was there all the time for you and all i did was move to whyalla to find love which i did i have 2 beautiful step son and a wonderful fiance who im going to marry very soon plus had a beautiful son joshua who is now 16 months old and now we are having a baby in april 2011 im glad i moved from your house so is a lot of people we were going no where with you but all im going to say is i love you sis your the one who wont let me see my nephews etc

  • spiritandsoultemple on Oct 30, 2010

    This is a perfect example of how much my family loves me and the kind of responses I got if any. As you can guess the comment above is written by a member of my family; my brother (younger). Throughout my adult life I have had this boy in and out of my home, suffering the effects of being left to bare the after math of my leaving home as a small child, I promised myself that I would do anything I could to make up for it when I finally was allowed to see him again later in life. All I ever did was encourage him to be some thing he was proud of; not what everyone else expected him to be.Whether it be evil possession or just ‘as my Father would say’ me looking at the world with rose colored glasses! The brother I knew never existed; purposely causing me and my children pain beyond comprehension. Despite this I always wish him well. Michael-Why do you think this letter is all about you? Do you really want a published version of your lies about me or our life in general? Do you really want those who are interested to research facts? Over 1 year later you comment – just so happens it was one of my children’s birthdays; 9th October!. My children that know you, cringe at the mention of your name. It is at their request that they no longer see you! I agree as your black heart is something I do not wish them to have to live with any more. Your comment contradicts itself; your so vain! it’s all about you and you alone! You are very silly to publicly publish your ridiculous comments on a site that houses a community of people who share knowledge of writing and the world. Hope you and your family are well and all the best for your marriage this coming week end.

  • Spiritandsoultemple on Jun 11, 2011

    Many years have passed and there is much I have learned; I thought my young life was a painful journey; my adult life has been so much more pain. I have had to face a lot of truths and acknowledge for some things there will be no answers. I am not sure what this lesson in life was meant to be used for as yet; but I hope that there will be that rainbow at the end of my cloud- that I always dreamed. In this world not beyond

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