Dear God,

I have experienced a moment of love and 2 lifetimes of pain. It has afforded me the ability, a true Piscean woman, to personify past experiences as well as lessons that have yet to be learned. But, my pensiveness can never be an example, so don’t view it as such. My life is a thrill ride, with the thrill removed: a dead end road defined by a meaningless abstraction called “success”…

I’m having a frustrating and confusing moment and I don’t know why. I almost feel as if I am misleading because I revealed an illicit sexual fantasy and now, my sexuality is only self-proclaimed. Any thought or fantasy outside of the realm of clearly stated homosexuality immediately raises my status for review. I’m uncomfortable, ashamed and afraid to reveal anything about myself, anything that could be misconstrued as a heterosexual or bisexual thought, for fear that I won’t comply with the straight/gay and narrow. When I find time to talk to you, I can never get a direct answer from you…maybe a blessing… because when I can’t talk to you, I’m left to stew in my own juices, however spoiled, rancid and unpleasing to the palette they may be… but MY juices… Sitting alone, in the dark, questioning all of my decisions thus far, forced to remind myself that life isn’t happening to me. I don’t know if I’m misleading myself or misleading the world. I know I am not bisexual and I never will be.

Heterosexuality is toxic… the thought of telling a man I love you or tracing the contour of his face while he sleeps is menacing within itself. So where am I? Who am I? The world isn’t allowing me to define myself as a lesbian anymore. Each classification has its own judgmental and unforgiving boundaries. Heterosexuals are opposites… and defined as such – opposite sex, opposite love and opposite gender… and opposite my fundamental obsession. Bisexuality, both sexes… could be… defined as such – 2 sexes… 2 loves… but only in conjunction. Yet and still, my fundamental obsession fails to abide by the rules set forth by the love-confused, yet sexually content, bisexual hierarchy. Lesbianism or Homosexuality, the most challenging and equally defined classification…explicit in characterization and in theory… same sex, same love, same gender… sounds like my fundamental obsession… same happiness, same aspirations… sounds like we have a winner, but a club for the sexually elite, defined as such – only 1 way and variations of the basic principle are intolerable… elite classification status revoked and any emotion stemming from blatant disregard for the rules is scheduled for demolition. So now what… Conformity? Rebellion? What is closest to my own definition and does “close” even count?