Dear XXX (We’ll spare the name here for reasons of data protection),

I refer to your letter you’ve sent me about Christmas shopping and its annoyance. That was pretty nice that you wrote to me so nicely and asked me very kindly whether I’d be able to change some of the processes and habits in the shopping centres for Christmas. I understand that you must feel quite annoyed about the details you quoted, and that it basically spoils your fun, when you come across these obstacles while shopping.

But let me tell you one thing: You basically overrate the annoyance factor in shopping. Look at the shopping like it was to be the discovery of an unknown land. Use your gear, man, take the binoculars, compass and a map where you can take note of the situation, and then up you go.

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Make it your own bloody goods discovery adventure. What’s next on the list? Alright, burger buns it is… Where have we got some? Cakes, biscuits, bread. No, that must be in the other isle – changeover and mark in your plan: Cross over from isle A to isle B. Now, you just do the same in isle B. I confess that this method might take a while, but it is systematic and it is fun. Just make sure to have enough provisions with you, because this way, the shopping exercise might almost unnoticed take a couple of hours longer. Oh – and never mind, if the shop staff looks at you with a little suspicion what you might do there…

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And then, you are having a problem with the trolleys and prams hitting you? Well, if that happens to you, you’d deserve it, because you are just a little bit too clumsy. I can give you an idea for that, too. Consider it as an avoidance exercise, like in the field, where you’d have to avoid the enemy hidden in the landscape. First watch out, listen, discover and put your antennas up. Carefully move around shelf corners, you never know what comes around the corner – and beware of it. Jump out of the way for the trolleys, twist and turn your body in order to squeeze through the human crowd – this way you might be the person who moves fastest in this chaos. And, once again, this is fun, man!

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Oh – and another thing. If you’d ever meet another naughty little child rolling around and playing on the floor of the market – there is one thing you could do, which would ensure you a 100% success rate. Are you still puzzled what I mean? Don’t you know that all kids love sweets more than anything else in the world? Is there really more to say? Just go there, help the little child up and point it in the direction of the sweet shelves, and your problem is solved within the wink of an eye.

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I hope this was helpful to you. I must carry on now and go about my Christmas preparations. The bags are full, they have to be sorted, and I’ll have to write a few more letters to the children this year, because the guys in North Pole / Alaska have a little problem right there. Take my advice to heart and good luck.

Ho ho says Santa.

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