I hope those who has started with part one to all of this is still following along with. The tale has yet to end. I am still not home with my family but as fate would have it, I have been force to move in with my father and stepmother. Not a terrible situation, but if anyone remembers the things that I have lived through with this man could understand a certain degree of being uncomfortable around him. This is the ultimate test to see just how far I have taken myself. I look at this man, my father and I see myself. And then I understand exactly what my wife had to put up with. High maintenance, let me tell you, to this day my father has done little to change his life and the way he treats me is challenging. He even tried to set a bed time for me recently at 8:30 p.m. His irritable, emotionally uncontrolled and prone to yell out obscenities at any given time. I think, every grown man that has had a troubled childhood and insists on using it as an excuse to treating his family like mud. Should absolutely trying staying a week with his own father. It is mirror reflection and scary. Things I have learned about maturing into a man.

            1. When confronted by hostility do not battle it. My father called me many names just recently including how big a failure I was to my family. That hurt a lot. But in the end I simply took a deep breath listened to everything he had to dish out at me. I became bigger then he was at the moment. I said nothing and took all he had and you know what. I was at peace with myself, for the simple fact that he was a good example of what I needed to change about myself. And I did.

            2. Recently just the other night before moving in with father I was sleeping in the car when two officers approached and knocked on the window. I woke and got out complying with all that they asked including a search of the car. Problem was that the restraining order that my wife had placed against me also mentioned the vehicle which was in her name. They cuffed me and pushed me over the hood of the car and checked me for drugs and weapons. I still complied giving no resistance even though the side of my face stung when it hit the hood.

I was told they were going to arrest me for violating the order by being in the car. I explained my situation calmly and rationally. After a good thirty minutes of them making fun of me and telling me that I should just leave the car and move on with my life because it was obviously over with my wife. One of them said, “Man if she really cared and wanted to work things out you wouldn’t be living a car.”

            They ridiculed me until finally letting me go with clarification that I was not to go near the car again or else. They opened the trunk and tossed my duffle bag onto the parking lot and watched as I took it and started down the road. About five minutes later I realized I was being followed and had no idea if they had called my wife and she said something or someone else was setting me up. Ha! My paranoia getting the best of me again. I did call Mariela, I was clearly upset and wanted to know if she knew anything about it and that they were now following me. She said no. Well at this point I had taken my shoes off walking down the road toward a bridge. I had blisters on my feet from going door to door selling a book I had spent 12 yrs writing on earlier on that day. I was tired, hungry for not having eaten anything for several days except a cereal bar. I was thirsty with the only water that was available was at the water fountains in the parks.

            Well to make a long story short here, both cruisers pulled in sideways behind me and both shined their high beams on me. Stepping out of the car they both pulled either tasers or guns I couldn’t tell with the light in my eyes. They were yelling at me to drop what I had in my hands which was my shoes. I was on the phone with Mariela my wife again trying to figure out what was happening to me, I turned and yelled at them that I only had shoes and dropped them. They both approached and I was handcuffed again and was given a partial strip search. I  took notice that their cars were sideways to us which meant nothing was being recorded. I was humiliated and treated like a criminal. I did call my wife and yelled at her, I was scared and I really felt that my life was at risk with these redneck cops and they were redneckish.

            3. Hindsight, I should have never called my wife to yell at her about those cops, I reverted back to panicking, though at the moment I felt like I had good reason. I also felt like crap yelling at her, when I should have did my best to explain calmly that I was being harassed by cops. Yeah I know, my life right now is in shambles, but you know what. I put myself here, from the very beginning in part one, I put myself here in this situation. Is my wife to blame, absolutely not. Once again I am tested and to prove my self worth to myself, after the cops left. I did not call her again, I felt bad enough yelling at her when I should have been just dealing with the cops.

            4.Guilt. A man can carry guilt or rid himself of it knowing that it does nothing to give him self worth of who he is. Its baggage, I feel my baggage and slowly but surely I have been throwing it all away. Why? I expect there will be a day soon when my wife is going to want to talk to me and I want to be the best man she has seen and spoken to. Every man should want to give his wife the best of himself. The love, the expression, the happiness he could bring to the relationship. Most of all, showing her that he is most definably the man she wants.

            5. False hopes. In this situation we all have false hopes, face it guys its like were in a prison within ourselves. And like most jail birds we try to break free by showing good behavior or religion. In truth that will do more harm then good. Think about it how many ex-cons go back to the big house. Lets not lie to ourselves here, the chances of reuniting with lost family is slim to none. Does this mean give up? NOPE. It means you keep doing your best not to aggravate her by calling and texting everyday every minute of every night. You believe that it will help her realize that you are gone now. You really think it will work. Hey, if you did what I did and put your head through a wall, she doesn’t want to hear or see you for awhile. It scared her and with good reason, now give her a break and go out on your own and get some help. I did.

                          Things I do for help.

            A. I see a therapist every two weeks

            B. I see a doctor once a month for my medications

            C.I also see a psychologist and family councilor once a week

            D. I have joined a 12 step anger management group for extra therapy

6. These things listed above shows what kind of man I want to be and yes I am at war with myself and only myself everyday. No matter how bad and dire my situation gets I am a man still standing strong on a tough road to recovery. I have quieted my mind and centered on myself worth. These things listed above does not make me look weak, or you, in fact its quite the opposite. These are strengths, this is you saying no more. I don’t want to yell at my wife or hit the wall or scare the heck out of her through volatile behavior. This is you saying, I am so much better then that and its time for a change.

7. These paths that we have created for ourselves as men are not easy whether they be bad or good. But we do have to accept them by stepping up the responsible way and say. YES, I did that. Truth to yourself is a big step to also being honest with your wife. Come on men, we do lie. We do it out of fear of arguing and out of fear of being caught doing something wrong. What would really happen if you told the truth and was able to discuss it with her in a rational manner. Perhaps the problem would resolve itself by showing her that yes you were wrong and then ask her for help to keep you on the correct path. She married you, she loves and she will help you.

Now you have all heard quite a bit about me, and by far I am not a perfect man for realization of the things I have done and gone through. But I am a better man each and everyday for it. Give your heart to yourself first, she will appreciate that more then you know.

            GODBLESS ALL THAT HAVE JOURNYIED WITH ME THROUGH THESE HARDTIMES AND BLESS THOSE WHO HAVE JUST JOINED US. I PRAY THAT YOUR LIVES BECOME RICHER THROUGH UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG AND THE THINGS I AM DOING TO FIX IT.