“Marriage to me was like a prison. It didn’t help that my marriage was teetering on divorce for months before I even started looking at other women. When I first got married I had this thinking that marriage was great, that you have this wonderful new person, officially your wife, and this person is supposed to support you.”

The audience is supportive.

“However, once you get married all bets are off. First thing you notice is that you wife is now only shaving when she has too. Otherwise she wears pants does not raise her hands above her head and even stops waxing her eyebrows. One day I woke up to fluff and wondered where under there was my wife.”

The audience boos.

“Okay it wasn’t that bad. You know what was bad? My then wife and I had a son. When we got divorced I got joint custody and was allowed to see him every other weekend. “Well the first few visits my ex-wife still looked unkept then starting with my third visit she starts coming to the door in nice dresses, has obviously cleaned up her face and has washed her hair.  I start realizing that when you’re married your wife slacks off. It’s not all wives I am sure there are some out there that do care about the way they look, but now she had decided it was time to clean up and start looking for more men who she could have her get pregnant and get more child support to live on.”

The audience boos.

“I am serious that’s what she did. She had a daughter from a previous marriage that she only recently started talking to the father about getting some kind of assistance and she had gone to child welfare for me to pay.”

The audience is shocked.

“Ah well I guess when your ex puts a sign on the front of the house saying sugar daddies welcome you have to start wondering.”

“Anyway let me get away from this subject. Its sore still and I just don’t’ think I can tell good jokes at my ex-wife’s expense even though she does deserve a few.”

The audience boos.

“Okay so I recently checked straight into Saint John’s psychiatric hospital. You know I had been doing some powerful drugs, snorting Cheerio’s cereal powder, because I needed to get my regular fiber intake and I am allergic to milk products.”