I was walking along a sidewalk, unsure of where I was going. I felt surreal. Nothing I was doing was making sense, and I couldn’t escape the illusion of danger surrounding me. As I continued to walk, I felt as if someone was watching me. Looking around, I saw no one. However, I couldn’t escape the sense of imminent danger.

I finally reached a destination. Surrounding me was trees and a lake. It was a pretty scene. The birds chirped in the sky and the lake slowly passed by, causing a sound so restful it mesmerized me. I had no clue where I was but something told me to stay here. Following my intuition, I sat down next to the still blue water. Looking down, I saw fish swimming peacefully along, dragonflies skimming across the water, and small serene ripples growing bigger and bigger. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt at peace. Here I could escape everything that had happened to me.

Laying down, I looked up. There weren’t many clouds out today. I allowed myself to pay attention to what my body was feeling. My skin felt warm as the sun shined down. The breeze playing across my hair felt cool. My body felt alive, something I hadn’t experienced since that night. However, I couldn’t escape the nagging in my chest.

My heart ached. The more I tried to push the reason out, the faster it came back to me. Memories of that horrific night flooded my eyes.

“NO.” I screamed out. I could feel Johnny’s naked skin against mine. I could feel the pain he brought to me. Touching my lips, I could have sworn they felt swollen. Crying, I had no choice but to allow the memories to fill and haunt me. As they repressed me, I felt my chest aching even more.

Finally the flashbacks faded. I was panting and breathing heavily. Scared, I got up and ran away. I had no clue where I was running but I had to get away. I continued to run until my lungs mights collapse. I gasped for air and fell to the ground. Curling into a ball, I cried. I layed like that for a long time, crying. Eventually, no more tears would escape and I was sore.

That night Tanner stopped by.

“Hey Dawn.” He said to me as I opened the door.

“Hi.” I nonchalantly responded.

“How are you feeling, love?” He looked at me worried.

“Tired. I’m sorry to cut this short but I’m going to go to bed.” I turned from him.

“Okay, night.” He rushed over to me and hugged and kissed me. I shrank against him but allowed him to continue hugging me.

I didn’t sleep well that night. When I finally fell asleep, I had nightmares. I saw Johnny and Sam all over again. They continued to take advantage of me while I could do nothing to protect myself. Screaming, I tried to fight back.

“DAWN! Wake up.” Someone was shaking me. I looked up to see my dad. “You’re just having a nightmare.”

Natalie and Vanessa were growing concerned as well. They tried to get me to talk, to distract me and to just be there for me. Somehow it felt false though. I know they had the best intentions, but I couldn’t shake off the sense of obligation.

“Dawn, are you okay?” Van asked me, pulling me out of myself.

“Yeah.” I said, smiling at her.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Our conversations didn’t last long anymore.

“Why don’t we go out tonight?” Natalie asked.

“Yeah, that would be fun. You want to go Dawn?” Van asked me.

“No. I’m tired. I think I’ll just go home and sleep.”

“You can’t continue being a recluse. You’re only going to feel worse.” Van responded. I know she meant well but she couldn’t even begin to understand.

“I’m fine.” I said coldly. Truthfully, I was irritated.

“No, you’re not. It wont hurt you to go out with us.” Natalie spoke up.

“I don’t want to though.”

“Dawn, you’re being a baby.” Van said, ridiculing me. Van was making me more irritated.

“No, I’m not.”

“I guess we’ll have to go without you.” Van said irritated. Turning around, she stormed away. Stopping, she looked back. “Come on Natalie, Dawn thinks she’s too good for us.”

“Dawn, I don’t know what the problem is but you need help. If you feel like talking I’m here for you, but I can’t make you talk.” Natalie got up and walked away, following Van.

I couldn’t blame them for being mad with me. I hadn’t told them what had happened. I don’t know why I didn’t. Before this, I had never kept secrets from them. Well almost never. I didn’t honestly tell them how I felt about myself, life, and death. However, that was to  just protect myself.

For weeks I fell further and further into a depression so deep I couldn’t escape. I didn’t want to be around anyone anymore, not even Tanner. Even though I loved him, I pushed him away. I didn’t intentionally mean to, I just hurt to much. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even do anything. It was a struggle to even breathe.

The further I fell, the more Vanessa and Natalie got irritated with me. I became more distance and in return they stopped trying.

I couldn’t live with this self hatred anymore. It was getting harder and harder. Nothing I did was ever right. Everyone only hurt me. Eventually, even Tanner would, though he wouldn’t mean to. It was time I let go before it was too late.

I was slowly dying inside.