During my time as an aikido student, I mainly focused on the technical side of things rather than the philosophy. So figuring out the following without having done what most would deem requisite reading seemed like a huge deal to me at the time: I had figured out the formula to life, though obviously not the first one to do so, I did it on my own. The character AI looks like the character for mouth under a roof. This is character is also used for the word ‘union’, KUMI. I took this to represent ‘family’. KI, the spiritual life-force came to represent the things you do that give you pleasure and revitalise you. DO was your career or your destination. When you see a word made up of characters, rather than letters, meaning acquires physical dimensions. Three characters having equal presence aesthetically become three equal elements in a reading. I thought back to that happy time in my life when I had my family (AI), aikido (KI) and study (DO) all in perfect harmony to work out how I came to such a place of desolation. I had allowed my KI to slowly turn into another DO. So I had two DOs and no KI to give me the energy to feel human. Not only that, but my parents (my AI) weren’t happy about my situation either. So AI was at odds with the two competing DOs, and I had a massive void where I needed KI. I needed to find some balance and unity. That was to be my solution, my salvation, my cure.

I’m glad that I worked this out this formula for “crash and burn” at an early age, rather than work for years towards a life that would mean nothing to me in the end. In a way it’s helped me find myself. I know my limits (what I can or can’t do), and my boundaries (what I will or won’t do). A good friend from the dojo was telling me about how she was speaking to a man at work. He was in his forties. He talked about how he worked out the secret to a happy life was to find balance between family, work and leisure and how he felt that he didn’t have that. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing, thinking this should have been new to her. She was a bit puzzled as to why I found it funny.

I just feel like I’ve lived a life already and have now got my second chance.