Chapter One

            I wish I wish I was a fish.

Chapter Two

            That isn’t true at all. I hate fish. If I were to wish that I were something, it would probably have to be a possum.

Or possibly a millipede.

I’ve never seen a millipede before but I imagine if I saw one I would like it or at least tolerate its presence. I’m a tolerant person; I can tolerate many things. Except fish.

Come to think of it I’ve never seen a possum before, either. But they just sound so cute and furry, you just know they are. In real life, I mean. My cousin had a possum once, I think. She named it Julia. Julia seems like a fitting name for a possum. Whatever a possum is. She either had a possum or a hamster. My cousin, that is. My cousin had either a possum or a hamster once. One of the two. I never came over to pet it so of course I don’t know what a possum looks like. I do know what a hamster looks like but I don’t know what a possum looks like because I never came over to my cousin’s house to pet her pet possum. I believe it was a possum. I never pet it but I heard many stories. “Julia did the strangest thing the other day!” “Julia vomited all over its bedding!” “Julia won’t stop humping the side of its cage!” Julia was an It because no one was sure which gender it was. Even though its name was Julia, which would imply it was a girl. It looked like a Julia but one can never be sure about these things nowadays, what with sex change operations and all. I would know; I watch FOX News.

Now that I think about it I definitely do not know what a hamster looks like.

Oops.  

Chapter Three

I’m sorry. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gloria Bessemer. That’s Gloria—G-l-o-r-i-a—Bessemer—B-e-s-s-i-m-e-r. Gloria Bessemer.

            I’m sorry, Bessemer is spelled with an e, not an i, in between the s and the m. Gloria Bessemer. But you probably already knew that, didn’t you. You smarty-pants. It’s all right, you don’t have to tell me if you already knew that or not. Perhaps it’s best you don’t rub it in my face. I wouldn’t want to be angry over such a small mistake.