The cigarette remained in her mouth throughout and never appeared to bother her. She would remove it however to play with Caroline, kissing her through this hairy screen and making her giggle. If I asked to be kissed I was told I was too old. Finally she’d flick it back over her head, finger it into place and then start on her make up.

She usually wore a tight black skirt and light coloured jumper but I never saw her change whilst at the house. Stockings were still unavailable and she’d take a thick black pencil, suck the lead and then draw in the lines of her ‘seams’ up the calves of her legs.

Although still there, she told me to get the kids to bed and so I’d change Caroline’s nappy again and take the twins to the lavvie*. I helped them undress and then we’d get back onto the mattress. I would hate the moment of crawling back under the blankets to be met with the cold dampness from the previous nights soiling. Before she went out she’d kiss Caroline once more, telling her to ‘shut up’, if she cried. Then turning the light off she’d leave us.

I would shiver as she did this and the darkness engulfed us. It felt as if the blackness were reaching out to smother me. I would hold my breath until the feint outlines of object would appear and then I would relax just a fraction.

I would give Caroline the now cold bottle of milk and she’d hold this herself and ‘drink herself to sleep’, whilst I would sing to them. ‘Show Me The Way To Go Home’ and ‘What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor?’ Songs I’d heard my mother sing or from the small brown radio that she sometimes had on.

Whilst Caroline and the twins fell quickly asleep, I’d lie awake, my fingers jammed under my nose to try and block out the awful smell of pish. At times I’d feel it running wet against my body as I lay there and one of the twins wet himself. Always a little scared I would try and remain awake till my mother came back, even though I knew it would be morning before she did.

It’s the smells from my early life that so vividly bring the pictures and memories flooding back and the smell of urine still has me shivering and almost retching today. I grew accustomed to many things over the years but the smell of urine was not one of them.

*pish – piss / urine

* lavvie – lavatory

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