“Holy crap. That’s criminal”

“Not really, we kind of suck as a species. They showed me all these human creatures they had created. There were some with wings, some with trunks and others with gills; all manner of human like creatures with strange abnormal appendages. They wanted to make a master race that would live peacefully, but all their creations failed. They all went insane and ended up as politicians and trolls on Internet forums instead.”

“I don’t know what to think…this is some crazy stuff dude.”

“No kidding man. Anyway I didn’t much feel like being turned into some kind of half hippo half human thing like you Duff. I was pretty alarmed and after they chased me around their science labs and reclaimed the alien blaster I stole from the alien security guards, they explained they didn’t want to do that to me. They had different plans. They realized to create a perfect new human species that the hybrid would need to be a genetic creation birthed by normal humans. Only certain people were genetically suitable for the scheme, and I was one of them.”

“They wanted you to be a stud – you were chosen to shag your brains out? You lucky mongrel!”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought and after I chased them around the dormitories with them screaming like squashed tree frogs they explained they didn’t want me to breed with them. I zipped up my trousers somewhat dismayed but listened instead of jumping to more embarrassing conclusions. The reality was far more benign. They were talking about artificial insemination. So they performed the procedure there and then in a matter of minutes.”

“HOLY FREAKING WOW”

“Yeah, freaky stuff I know. Anyway they were done with me so they quickly gave me an alien implant – two actually so they could track me with less interference – and then dumped me in the field outside of my house”.

“Dude – that is just freaking beyond crazy friggen amazing , but what about those things I found you playing with Scoof?”

“They’re the alien implants Duff”

“What! They gave you breast implants?”

“Yeah – a nice set of boobies. C cup too – at my request. Aren’t they lovely? They are awesome. I could play with them all day”

“Why the hell did they give you breast implants? How completely stupid!”

“Why?”

“What; because why does a man need a set of beautiful bouncy breasts? Scoof – you look like a freak!”

“I need them of course to feed my baby.”

“Your baby!”

“Yeah – they impregnated me. I am pregnant with a half human half alien baby. I’m due in four months”

“Holy mother of Krishna, how can you be so calm about this? This is beyond messed up. You can’t be serious. You can’t have that baby.”

“Duff, I can have this baby and I will. When the time comes I will deliver my baby via rectal birth and my baby – with others like it – will lead the world to an era of peace never before seen in the history of the planet. You can either help me or not, but I will be having my freaky alien baby make no mistake. Now, do you want to play with my boobies or not?”

“Yeah, sure Scoof – why not”