Smokey

RJ Walker on Sep 25, 2009

Tags: action, bandit, Bugatti Veyron, Camaro, Dixie Dawn, drugs, fast paced, Fiction, Muscle Cars, Novel, racing, RJ Walker, Salt Flats, Smokey, speed, Street Racing, Treydon, weapons

Follow the story of Treydon Austin (aka Smokey) as he chases down the cleverest, fastest, most uncatchable, most unmatchable members of The Bandit’s crime Syndicate as the government’s secret weapon against guys who are just too fast to catch. Check back every monday for the latest chapter to this fast paced action novel.

“No, I’m not going to let you go.” I drug her out of the rest room. I would have had two patients on my hands.

“PLEASE” Dixie begged. “I NEED… AHHGG. PLEASE!” her voice was straining, she started to sob. “My last one. Please I just… PLEASE!” she began to pound at my back with her hands, it was more irritating than painful. I had taken her halfway through the parking lot, almost to the car. I let her go, and she fell backwards. I took my helmet off and dropped it on the ground.

Dixie got back on her feet and ran for the rest room again. I caught her by the arm and pulled her over to face me. Tears were streaming down her face. “Please, my last one. I’ll never have another, I just need this one. Please I need it.” She begged. She started to struggle out of my grip.

Then, I kissed her. She didn’t kiss me for once, I was the one that kissed her. Dixie relaxed, I pulled away. She began to cry even more. “I’m sorry” she sobbed.

“Don’t worry, I love you.” I said, winking. Wait for me in the car. Dixie walked over to the Camaro still crying her eyes out. I ran back to the bathroom, I heard sirens in the distance. I added more bandages and in a minute and a half the EMTs came and took the woman away, before they loaded her into the ambulance, I took the keys to her Corvette from her jacket. Another Bandit car for the lot.

I walked over to the entrance of the women’s bathroom, and picked up the envelope the woman dropped. It was from the Bandit. It read:

Dear Mr. Smokey

I see you have been doing a very good job of picking on me. Congratulations, you should be proud of yourself. Next time you kill my pawns, try not to take a handful of innocent people with you, would you kindly?

I cringed, then continued reading.

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Comments (18)

kourtney on Sep 25, 2009
i like this story a lot….
RJ Walker on Sep 26, 2009
Thank you kourtney:D haha
jonathon on Oct 12, 2009
The father’s death scene was super intense. Contact me over at cardomain if you want my constructive criticism.

~blackcompany
RJ Walker on Oct 14, 2009
will do!
Ryanjayx on Nov 7, 2009
I’m so mad that I came into the story this early. I feel like I NEED to finish it tonight. Very good story. You’ve got me hooked.
RJ Walker on Nov 7, 2009
i’ll be posting 3 chapters on here this sunday. so keep checking back. i have already written the whole thing, i’m just reading it, fixing some minor stuff, then posting it which is why its going kinda slow. yeah, check back on sunday cuz i’ve got 3 chapters done.
Ryanjayx on Nov 7, 2009
Ha ha, thanks man. I love the story. Is any of this based on your real life?
RJ Walker on Nov 8, 2009
absolutly freaking none of it. hahahahaha. at first the main character was gunna have a trans am, but i have a Camaro myself so i thought i would do that cuz i have more experience with it. and thats about it i would say. though some character personalities are based on some people i know. just a lazy way of making characters lol. oh, and i am really an EMT and i work out in a place called Wendover which is a small gambling city by the Salt Flats, so there is a little experience there is guess.
RJ Walker on Nov 8, 2009
but the street racers really do meet on 45th and state every satruday night when the raceway is closed hahaha that much is non fiction
RJ Walker on Dec 8, 2009
meh. changed my mind. lots of this was inspired by real events and has been exaggerated so much you would never guess hahahahahaha
Paladin on Jan 20, 2010
I like the story – you are not a bad writer. IMO, the story was really dragged down by cliche, plot twists that were entirely expected, and superfluousness. I mean, a car that can do 250mph all day long, bash through obstacles without getting a scratch, off-road like a rock crawler, and shoot EMP fields? A protagonist who can out-drive a NASCAR champion, out-shoot a Marshall crackshot, strip his car down to the frame and rebuild it in a weekend – for fun, and is basically perfect and faultless in every respect is pretty difficult for most readers to relate to. Some of your descriptions require a lot of car knowledge to understand, which will lose you some readers. And I’ll be honest, every time I read the names “Smokey” and “Bandit,” I groaned.

Aside from those little issues, great short story! Advice for your next one: more human protagonist, more creative names, and proof read! Keep up the good work.
RJ Walker on Jan 21, 2010
you are absolutely right. thanks for the feedback. there was a TON of cliches all over. i recognized this after i wrote it. and the rediculousness was WAAAYYY to rediculous. makes me laugh a little actually. glad you enjoyed it. i wouldn\’t call it a short story though. novella maybe. hahaha 375 pages is a tidge long for a short story. i honestly think that it would make a better graphic novel if i were to ever redo it. i\’m on my 18th proofread and i just suck at it. i\’m always gunna miss junk. thanks for letting me know there is still more to fix.

for something a little less cliche, and not quite as long, check out the short story i wrote. its a little more sociological than this, and a lot less cliched, but i\’m not going to say its cliche free. i don\’t think anyone can escape cliche no matter what. Especially with car type stories. lol fast and furious for example.

anyway, for less cliche, more sociological quandry, and a lot less superflousness, check out the Bio-Guard story, by me, in the short stories section.
RJ Walker on Jan 21, 2010
http://authspot.com/short-stories/bio-guard/
Lee T on Feb 4, 2010
Liked your story! Hope there will be a sequel. Sounds like a lot of different films and books into one story. If you write a sequel I would surely read it! Thumbs up!
RJ Walker on Feb 4, 2010
Glad you enjoyed it. i have written up the outline for the sequel, but have not started it yet.
TheKickinKoupe on Feb 5, 2010
I loved your story it was a relief from all the old boring car books
when was this written?
are you planning on making a second novel?
I love how it was Chevy related and not ford.
This book rocked
Daniel on Feb 8, 2010
A few mistakes, after your character pulled over Dixie you write ‘about a month later…’ then after the letter from the Marshall you say ‘what a day, first Dixie now this.’
Crazy Earl, you changed his name to Sean for two sentences then back to Earl.
Also a few spelling errors, I noticed collage, Im pretty sure you meant college. I dont recall where in the story that was but it was toward the beginning. There are a few more, I cant remember them all but theyre in the first 5 chapters.
I only read through the first 11 chapters. Ill try to come finish the rest tomorrow. So far, it aint bad.
RJ Walker on Feb 9, 2010
GAH! i swore i took care of those. i think i fixed em in the actual document but not on the online copy. i’ll check that out. thanks a whole bunch daniel. i’ll have to look it over for the 100,000,001th time. haha

And thank you KickinKoupe for your feedback. Not that i have anything against ford though. i just have more experience with chevy cuz chevy freaking rocks. Its the reason i chose camaro for the main character over Trans-Am. i just have more experience with a camaro… besides the fact that pontiac is, sadly, toast.
I have the plot and character outlines all written for the sequal, but i haven’t started actually writing it. I started this book February 2009. I published it in like, october i think. it still needs work. it will always need some tweak here or there. THANKS EVERYONE FOR FEEDBACK!

Smokey

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