This is the fourth and penultimate part to the saga. I wrote this before I get the real life Belle’s response, so it’s what caused me to get down to three hours of sleep a night and realize just how much she meant to me.
If you haven’t read the previous sections I’d recommend that you do, as this is not a stand-alone section.
Dreams are the minds single most powerful resources, while we dream our mind trains hard, preparing ourselves for what might happen in the future. This was identified as a throw back to our prehistoric root by looking at the nightmares of small children, often they find themselves being chased by wild animals, these are dreams which seem to be pre-programmed into all humans, as many of those who experience them can often accurately describe wolves or bears having never seen one before. Today our dreams are becoming more and more focused towards training our minds to cope with the rigours of twenty-first century life.
I have taken to fearing sleep, the nightmares the haunt me foretell of rejection, defeat and failure. Every week I find myself opening my exam results, each time the same and each time considerably lower than what I need. For the last three nights however, it was rejection that dominated. Each night she said no… three times a night, the same sequence of scenarios each time. Each scenario had a different reason, a different location, none of which made any sense to me and nothing I could say seemed to make the slightest bit of a difference to the end.
It was from one such dream I awoke from on Tuesday the seventeenth of February 2009. The day Belle got home from Spain. I kept myself busy throughout the morning with tedious administration tasks, interspersed with discussion sites and trombone practice. After lunch I wrote a short article on why United States health insurance was so expensive. By the middle of the afternoon I was going stir-crazy! I grabbed my bike and headed to the place I always found comfort, yet today the ideas didn’t flow from my head to the paper and I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering back to her.
After grabbing a quick snack, I noticed another friend from the Spanish trip had signed into msn. My adrenal glands went into overdrive, within a few seconds I was shaking uncontrollably. Every time the sign-in alert flashed up the entire contents of my torso jumped into my mouth on the possibility that is could be her. Every time it was someone else, someone who was now menial in comparison. Each occurrence my heart would settle back down lower into my stomach. Shortly after my watch struck eleven I simply could not stand waiting any longer. I closed all my applications and shut the computer down.
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