This is couple of paragraphs of a novel I’m writing hopefully people like it.

In 2003 there was a massive explosion on 23rd street.  Ivanna and Karl Moon; parents of Sapphire Moon both died that dreadful night and sapphire was severely burnt on the left hand side of her face.  Sapphire was only seventeen years old when the accident happened.  She was the most beautiful girl in the street, she had long straight black hair and her fringe had red streaks in it, her finge also slightly covered her left eye.  She had a beautifully shaped face and alluring green eyes.

Two weeks after the horrid accident Sapphire woke-up in an unfamiliar room which had blindingly bright white walls.  She Slowly and painfully lifted her head from the soft, comfy mattress to fin she was attached to several machines.  Sapphire blinked three times dazed and confused she mumbled,

“W-Where am I?”    

“You’re in Constants General Hospital dear.” a soft voice said from beside her. Slowly she turned her head to see a young woman in her early twenties smiling at her.  The nurse was about 5ft 2″, had long blond hair, blue eyes and looked rather attractive…

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  • Linsay Ernst on Sep 25, 2009

    Try showing us instead of telling us. You have talent. You just need to practice more. Instead of saying she was the most beautiful girl on the street show us with a flashback where is everyone staring at her because she is so beautiful. Also, show us the fire–don’t just tell us about it. Maybe start your story in the middle of the fire or something.

    You really do have talent. Keep going and have fun!

  • person he knows on Nov 16, 2009

    reece it was lame get a life mate from person you know

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