First chapter (draft) of the novel would be gratefull if you could give any tips :) .

 

As the boy ran his ribcage constricted as his breathes became deeper and more desperate.  His steps matched the rhythm of his heart as it worked overtime, trying in desperation to get much needed oxygen to his muscles so he could keep running. That is all he seemed to do, run. All be it running away from trouble, of which he seemed to draw a lot of these days. Today he was running because he told a boy in an older year if he could politely stop hitting his friend for no reason and get on with playing the game of football he always seems most interested in, to which the boy replied, “if I were you I would start running” and Sam didn’t need to be told to do anything twice. So he promptly turned and ran.

This was his life, a constant battle of mind over matter. He couldn’t stand to see wrongs committed or folk being cheated. He couldn’t understand how people could commit so many moral evils against innocent human beings. To him it was just wrong- plain wrong.

His pace slowed as his lungs tightened in his chest. His heavy pants rang out down the dingy side ally he darted into to try and loose his chaser. He slipped and twisted his ankle on a patch of black ice. Frantically he looked for something to hold as he slid towards the left hand wall. The ice invisible to his eyes coated everything in a smooth cold. A sharp pain surged through his arm as his hands passed over glass slicing deep gouges into his hands. He thumped into the wall with an agonising groan as he felt warm trickles begin to run down his back.  Winded and in searing pain he struggled to his feet and drew deep breaths to sooth his burning lungs. Slowly he began for home cautiously surveying the emotionless faces of city folk.  The light from the sky began to fade and darken as the sun hid half below the horizon offering a ray of hope to the few people not yet in the safety of their own homes, for dark was when the city turned ugly and sinister people roamed the streets for ignorant and defenceless children.

This was the life Sam was born into. He never liked what he saw and didn’t want to have to accept that wrongs were committed every day, he felt that people were given a conscience to stop them from committing evils to others. But he slowly began to see people fall into darkness as crime spilled out onto the streets daily. His only comfort was a girl he met during the first few days of his new city life. Her name was Jessica and they spent every waking hour they could together. There ties of friendship went as deep as an ocean floor. Her sweet scent and hazel hair were like air to him. Her soft facial features drew his eye towards her. He needed her to remind him that even in a world as dark as this light does still linger here.

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Comments (4)
  • Anna on Aug 23, 2009

    Great writer(:
    cant wait to read what happens next, keep it coming.

  • Cruella de ville on Aug 23, 2009

    Needs proof reading for spelling and grammatical checks, very descriptive, felt a bit depressed until the sun came up at the beginning of the new day.
    Good first draft though.

  • fern. x on Aug 24, 2009

    such a talented writer. now heres someone that could go far (:
    x

  • Jane Jane on Sep 10, 2009

    nice. keep it up.=)

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