As a soldier of some important castle I come across lots of different people but a few days ago a came across a real nut. He claimed too be Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons and Sovereign of all England! How can the king of the Britons and sovereign of all England manage to run a kingdom and kill all of those Saxons? They would have outnumbered him 1 million to 1.

Some how after killing all those people and still ruling the Britons this guy reckons he’s riding the lengths and breadths of the land in search of knights to join him at Camelot. He wasn’t even riding; he was just banging 2 empty halves of coconuts together. When I asked him where he got the coconuts from he said he found them here but this is a temperate zone and coconuts are tropical. Then went on telling me how then could have migrated here for the winter but coconuts don’t migrate.

After a bit of chatter he decided a sparrow could have gripped it by the husk and flown it over here. But it’s not a matter of how a sparrow carries it, it’s a matter of weight ratios. A five once bird couldn’t carry a 1 pond coconut. In order to maintain air-speed velocity a swallow needs to flap its wings 43 times a second, and, in order to maintain air-speed velocity and carry a coconut it would have to beat its wings 181 times a second, that’s just not possible.

A fellow soldier suggested that it could have been an African swallow. That would be possible. Them African swallows are much stronger then European swallows and could manage it. But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory so they wouldn’t bring a coconut over here anyway.

Then me and my fellow soldier had a bit of an argument. He reckons that 2 swallows could have carried it together. He thinks they could use a strand of creeper and connect it to there dorsal-guiding feathers. But there’s lots of problems with that. Firstly how are sparrows meant to put 2 empty halves of coconut on a strand of creeper? Swallows are simply not mechanically minded. Even if the swallows were geniuses and loved the coconut dearly how are nerdy swallows meant to lift a coconut with just a few feathers. There feathers would be ripped out.

Then my fellow soldier decided that if African swallows did try to lift a coconut with its feathers and they were ripped out they would be forced to seek warmer climes in the winter which means they would be forced to migrate. But I still don’t know where an African swallow would get a coconut in the first place. Northern Africa is Arid and Southern Africa is simply to far away from Europe for a swallow to fly.

We went on arguing until we realized that the guy had run away. In the end it turned out that the guy was actually king but he certainly didn’t kill all those Saxons. The hand of god wiped that bunch out.