Orientation at a Nudist Colony

Fade in:

A podium is placed center stage. Bob, a very low key man in his thirties, is standing, apparently naked, behind the podium.

Bob

Good afternoon and welcome to the newcomers

Orientation here at Sunnyvale Recreation and

Clothing Optional Club. I’m you Recreational

Chairman, Bob Chambers. First of all, it’s

nice to see so many of you getting into the

spirit of things. Secondly, I’d like to

apologize for the Naugahyde chairs…They are

a little cold at first, and it may seem like

you left part of your skin when you get up,

but, you didn’t. We are experimenting with

the Naugahyde chairs, since the removal of

the webbed fabric chairs we had before.

People were complaining about the criss-cross

marks left on their bodies and after waking up

from their afternoon naps, they would find

that some prankster had been playing tic-tac-

toe on the backs of their thighs.

So, we’ve opted for the Naughahyde, which, since

so many of you are without clothing, may notice

certain noises when you shift in your chairs.

Please don’t feel embarrassed. It might even

come as a saving grace for those of us who had

the broccoli quiche at lunch.

(adjusting his glasses)

We here at Sunnyvale believe that our bodies

came into this life free of clothing, our

minds free of guilt and out souls free in

spirit. However, registration is still four

hundred dollars.

(laughs)

For those of you who have never been to a

clothing optional resort before, our bashful

newcomers will notice that there are evergreens

strategically located around the grounds.

Different heights, depending on how bashful

you really are. But, keep in mind our motto,

“You’ve Got to Come out Sometime.”

(laughs again)

We have a wide variety of facilities, here

at Sunnyvale. Including, an Olympic sized swimming pool, which is always kept at a

comfortable eighty-two degrees. I would

like to apologize for the prankster who

thought it might be funny to lower it to

forty-eight. The only ones who did complain

were the men, but after getting out of the

pool, let’s just say we could divide the men

from the boys.

(laughs)

We also have a world class Jacuzzi going at

all times. Once again, a saving grace for

the broccoli quiche crowd. We also have a

Championship eighteen hole golf course, here

at Sunnyvale. In fact, Saturday, we invite

you to sign up for our “I Got A Hole In One

Open.” This is a tournament where “in the rough”

has a completely different meaning.

(smiles)

Incidentally, around here, the correct response

to hitting a ball that looks like it may be

heading towards a group of unsuspecting people

is “fore” not “heads up.” One of the events

we had to cancel was the “Men’s And Women’s

Mixed Relay Races.” I know there were some

rumors that we canceled the games because we

lost four batons during the last race. However,

truth be known, we want to avoid any more

injuries, like the one suffered by Mr. Pinsky,

when there was some confusion during the handoff

to Mrs. Waller and she dragged him halfway

around the track, before realizing her mistake.

(clearing his throat)

For you body art lovers, we have a tattoo

artist on board. You ladies will be glad to

know that Waldo is offering a special this week

of an arrow on your chest, pointing sideways,

and the phrase, “I’m with stupid” tattooed

underneath.

(getting serious)

Although this is a clothing optional

resort, there is one time that we insist you wear

clothing and that is at meal time.

This rule went into effect last year after Mrs.

Carlo Silvestri was seriously injured while

reaching across our hot buffet table and burned

herself on a pan of steamed kielbasa.

(smiling again)

Our annual dance will be held in the main

ballroom this Saturday night. This year’s

theme will be, “Getting To Know You…Even

Better…If That’s At All Possible.”

(removing his glasses)

Now, if there are any questions, I’ll try to

answer them. Just raise your hand. Uh,

Mr. Gillespie, I said your hand. Yes, Mr.

Gillespie…where, where are you supposed to

keep your money?…Good question, Mr. Gillespie.

Uh, this is where exact change comes into play.

Rule of thumb here is never bring more than

you’re willing to spend. Anyone else?

(big smile)

Yes, this very attractive and shapely woman right

here. Not you, Mr. Gillespie. Yes, you Miss,

uh, Thomas…Miss Thomas…Is it unusual for

men to stare at you for an abnormal amount

of time?

(staring and snapping out of it)

Oh, sorry. Well, let me say this,

Miss Thomas, the truth of the matter is,

we are all naked here and medical research

has proven that the average man thinks about

sex, at least, ten times an hour. And, I

must admit, Miss Thomas, that I, myself,

just used up about two years worth. But,

you’ll get used to it. Now, if there are

no further questions, enjoy your stay at

Sunnyvale and remember, “It’s not polite to

point, but it’s even less polite to point

and laugh.” Thank you.

Fade out.

The End