Officer

It says here that you are six feet.

Steve

Actually, I have six feet. I’m from another planet, remember?

4.

Officer

Is there any reason you’re in such a hurry this morning? Some sort of emergency?

Steve

Well, Barney, I was rushing over to your house so that I could screw your wife, who, probably, is also your sister. Right?

Officer

Well, sixty-three in a thirty-five mile per hour zone puts you twenty-eight miles over the speed limit.

Steve

Once again, I’m impressed. You actually did that without taking off your shoes.

Officer

Do you know what the fine is for being twenty-eight miles over the speed limit?

Steve

Down here? Probably, three chickens and a jar of preserves.

Officer

That’s one hundred fifty dollars, plus ten dollars court costs.

Steve

So, that means eighty for you and eighty for the judge, who is probably your pappy.

Officer

Now, you can come back to court next week…

Steve

Oh yeah, like I want to spend another minute in this jerk-water-one-horse-hick-town.

5.

Officer

…or you can mail the one hundred sixty dollars to the address on the ticket.

Steve

And that would be, what, your home address?

Officer

If you fail to pay the fine within thirty days, do you know what happens then?

Steve

You tear the ticket up and we have a good laugh over it?

Officer

We will notify the state of New Jersey and your license will be suspended.

Steve

In mid air? Do you know any other tricks? I mean, besides your wife?

Officer

Do you have any other questions, Mr. Harris?

Steve

Yeah, can you tell me where I can unload about two hundred kilos of cocaine?

Officer

Do you have any other questions, Mr. Harris?

Steve

Just this. About how many species of barnyard animals have you slept with?

Officer

Well, then, drive carefully and obey the speed limit.

The officer hands Steve the ticket.

6.

Steve

Thank you, Officer Billy Bob. By the way, why don’t you go screw yourself? And, don’t step in any cowpies.

The officer walks back to his patrol car. The announcer enters.

Announcer

Wouldn’t it be great if we could say exactly what was on our minds at a time like this, without fear of recrimination?

Cut to:

Ext. Swamp-Day

A crew of police and volunteers are dragging the swamp.

Announcer (V.O.)

Of course, if you did answer that way, there’s a good chance they may end up dragging the swamp for you. So, remember, when you’re going down south, drive carefully and obey the speed limit.

Fade out.

The End