CHARACTERS
NARRATOR: Voice Over only.

1ST GENERATION
CAPTAIN JAMES T. QUIRK: Captain of the Starkship Energize

MR SPAK: Half-Vulcanean First Officer

ROCKA HULA: Communications officer

MR ZULU: One of the two pilots; dressed as a Zulu warrior

MR JERKOFF: Second pilot; Russian by birth

2ND GENERATION
JEAN-LUKE PICK-ASS: Starkship Captain

WILL PIKER: 1st Officer

MR WARPED: Klingo Flight Deck Officer

ELEANOR BOY-TOY: Betamax alien, can sense emotions.

BASE: Android helmsman

STASHA: Security Officer

DR BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA: Redheaded doctor

MILES O’PAIN: Curly-haired teleport operator

GORIE LeMORGUE: Blind, black chief engineer

FEMALE ENSIGN: Decked by Piker

FEMALE YEOMAN: Mandy; helps STASHA remove overcoats

TENTACLED ALIEN

HELEN LLEWELLYN, DOCTOR

BRUNETTE PAINTING FINGERNAILS

WARPED’S BROTHER

X: Enemy alien from X-dimension

CH’IANG-LEADER: Oriental male in early twenties

ALEXI: Dwarf Ch’iang

ROD STERLING: Rod Serling Look-alike

CHARLIE

MI-LING: 12-year-old CH’IANG girl

SWAN-LI

DIRECTOR

PRODUCER

CAMERAMAN

1ST BLONDE CH’IANG

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG

FEMALE CH’IANG SOLDIER

MAN SPEARED AS HERETIC

WOMAN BURNT AS WITCH

MAN BURNT AS COMMIE

1ST YANG

2ND YANG

3RD YANG

4TH YANG

5TH YANG

6TH YANG

7TH YANG

8TH YANG

9TH YANG

10TH YANG

11TH YANG

EXTRAS
Two ensigns Piker crashes into when kicked by Stasha; dead Klingtos on Raider; Mr. Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Slaughtered; Mr. Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated; Ms Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Stomped Wafer Thin; Ms Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Torn-Limb-From-Limb; Mr. Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Disembowelled, and Ms Only-Appearing-In-This-Series-To-Get-Exterminated; various Ch’iangs & Yangs; feral Ch’iang children;

CROWDS
Ch’iang at banquet hall; Yangs at lecture hall;

INTERIOR SETS
STARKSHIP ENERGIZE ORIGINAL
— flight deck

STARKSHIP ENERGIZE NEXT GENERATION
— flight deck
— teleport room
— corridors
— Beverly Ball-Krusha’s cabin
— Helen Llewellyn’s cabin
— space shuttle hanger

SPACE SHUTTLE

KLINGTO RAIDER
— teleport room
— corridors
— flight deck

PLANET HIGHPOINT
— banquet hall
— corridors
— prison cells
— laboratory
— luxury quarters
— grain silo
— public hall

EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
ROCKY TERRAIN

SANDY TERRAIN

OUTSIDE STARKSHIP ENERGIZE IN SPACE

TOWN SQUARE

TEASER:

FADE IN:
INT. STARKSHIP, FLIGHT DECK — DAY

CLOSE ON a bright silvery disk, which at first looks like a moon.

PAN BACK slowly to show it is the left buttock of Lieutenant STASHA, who is clad in a tight, full-body, sparkling silver costume.

STASHA is a gorgeous blonde in her later twenties.   Equal third in charge with Base & Warped.   A bit of a feminist, but jealous when Piker looks at other women.

Piker and Warped are standing a few yards away by a large, wall-mounted computer keyboard, ogling Stasha.

WILL PIKER is a youngish forty, the second in charge.

The least sane of the crew, he spends more time lusting after Stasha than doing his duties.

WARPED is a Klingto warrior, and is the most insane, after Piker.   He and Piker are close pals.

WILL PIKER (Whispering.)
Jesus, wouldn’t you like to get inside that three times a day every day for the rest of your life?

WARPED
You’re not wrong there, sir…
(Half a beat.)
We Klingto’s have a saying about women like that, which roughly translates into English as….
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Jesus, what a hornbag!

The entire flight crew spins round to stare at Warped and Piker.

Warped and Piker spin round and start fiddling with the controls of the wall-mounted keyboard, without watching what they are doing.

“WARNING!   WARNING!” starts flashing on the computer screen in front of Warped and Piker.

A few seconds later it starts flashing, “YOU HAVE JUST DELETED YOUR FLIGHT COMPUTER’S MAIN MEMORY”.

A few seconds later it flashes, “DANGER!   DANGER!   YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS BEFORE REMAINING LIFE-SUPPORT CEASES.”

Warped reaches up and presses a button and the warning messages go out.

After a few seconds the crew returns to their duties, then Warped and Piker spin round again to ogle Stasha’s gorgeous ass again.

WILL PIKER (Whispering.)
Hornbag is right.   That bag is enough to give any man a massive horn.

WARPED
If only you weren’t too chicken-shit to make a play for her.

WILL PIKER (Angry.)
How dare you?   There’s nothing chicken-shit about me…!
(Half a beat.)
Why should I be afraid of any woman?

WARPED
Would you like the list?
(Counting off on fingers.)
Firstly, because you’re a natural born coward…
(Half a beat.)
Secondly, because you’re about as successful with women as Quasimodo…
(Half a beat.)
Thirdly, because you have all the charm, wit, and sophistication of a dead mackerel…
(Half a beat.)
Fourthly, because Stasha is a master of kung fu in the way of the dragon, the way of the tiger…
(Half a beat.)
And the way of the nutcracker…
(Half a beat.)
Fifthly, because her favourite opera is Germaine Greer’s famous “Ball-Breaker Suite”…
(Half a beat.)
Sixthly, because….

WILL PIKER (Angry.)
All right, already!   So in other words you don’t think I’d stand a chance with her?

WARPED
Well, she’s certainly way out of your class.   In fact a high school dropout is probably way above your class…
(Half a beat.)
But frankly the point is moot anyway.   Since I think you’re fundamentally too chicken-shit to even approach her.

WILL PIKER (Angry.)
Oh yeah, well stand back and just watch the old master in action.

WARPED
(Swivelling his head to scan left, then right around the flight deck.)
Okay, where is he?   This old master character?

WILL PIKER (Angry.)
Me, you idiot.
(Pointing at himself.)

WARPED (Shocked.)
You?

WILL PIKER
Yes, me, I’m the old master with women.   If you don’t believe me, just stand back.   And watch, listen, and learn how a real master picks up gorgeous women.

Piker strides across to where Stasha is standing by her consul.

He comes up behind her and grabs her by the ass, making her jump in surprise.

WILL PIKER
Hello, gorgeous, how about a quickie, right here on the flight deck in front of everyone?

Stasha spins round and slaps Piker’s face with a SOUND LIKE A RIFLE SHOT.

WILL PIKER (Puzzled.)
Does that mean “Yes” or “No”?

Stasha punches him hard in the face, flattening his nose across his face.

WILL PIKER (Holding a hand up to his bloody nose.)
I’ll take it to mean “No” then, shall I?

Stasha does a karate kick.

SLO-MO à la kung fu films as she swings up her left foot and kicks Piker in the head.

NORMAL SPEED as Piker goes flying backwards and falls over a railing, knocking over Warped and two ensigns walking past at that moment.

WILL PIKER (Starting to stand up again.)
Well, fair enough.   I can take “No” from a lady…
(Half a beat.)
Just so long as she’s polite about….

He collapses to the flight deck unconscious.

WARPED (Shaking head.)
I’ll never watch the old master again….
(Climbing back to his feet.)
It’s much too gruesome.

FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:
EXT. OUTER SPACE — DARK

Spaceship zooms past screen from LHS.

NARRATOR V/O
Space…
(Half a beat.)
The finest frontier…
(Half a beat.)
These are the voyages of the Starkship Energize.   Whose five-year mission is to seek out new life forms…
(Half a beat.)
To boldly go where no man….

INT. STARKSHIP, FLIGHT DECK — DAY
Stasha is standing at a consul at a raised level behind the captain’s chairs.   Beside her stands Miles O’PAIN an engineer checking a wall mounted computer display.   In front of them at a lower level sits left to right of SHOT 1st Officer Will Piker, Captain Jean-Luke PICK-ASS, ELEANOR BOY-TOY, Dr Beverly BALL-KRUSHA.   In front of them sit the flight ensigns, Warped and BASE.

STASHA
Hey!   What do you mean, “man”!   A woman can do anything a man can do these days!

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS/WILL PIKER/BASE/WARPED/O’PAIN
Shut up!

Stasha pouts but does as told.

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT

ROCKA HULA is seated at a control bank LHS of SHOT.

MR SPAK is seated at the other end of the control bank.   Seated side-on behind Rocka Hula is CAPTAIN QUIRK, at a sunken level.   In front of
CAPTAIN QUIRK, are the two flight control ensigns, JERKOFF, and ZULU.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Putting up his right hand.)
May the farce be with you, Mr. Spak.

MR SPAK
No, no, Captain, this is Star Dregs, not Star Boors.   In Star Dregs we say, “Long life, and prosperous”.

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Putting up his right hand.)
Yeah, don’t let any mad aliens zap you.

MR SPAK (Puzzled.)
Actually I think my version is the original.

CAPTAIN QUIRK
Maybe so, but my version is cooler and trendier.

MR SPAK (Astonished.)
Now I see why they say, “Never argue with an idiot.   They don’t understand logic, so you can’t possibly win.”

CAPTAIN QUIRK (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Thank you, Mr. Spak.

Spak stares at Captain Quirk again.

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
They are watching Quirk and Spak on the viewer screen.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Turn that shit off.

BASE
Yes, sir.

He fiddles with his consul controls and the viewer screen goes dead.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS is a middle-aged, balding man.   He is perhaps the sanest of the Energize crew, but insanely allows Piker to take the helm occasionally.

BASE is an android.   He has the driest sense of humour of the crew, and is super-strong.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (With feeling.)
God how I hate that 1960’s sci-fi shit.

WARPED
Yes, it’s all crap, isn’t it?

STASHA
That’s for damn sure.

INT. STARKSHIP, FLIGHT DECK — DAY — LATER
On viewer can be seen a small planetoid.

WARPED
Now orbiting Lowpoint Stanchion, captain.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Confirm daytime summer temperature.

WARPED
Nine-thousand Degrees Celsius.

FEMALE ENSIGN (Hysterically.)
Nine-thousand Degrees!   Nine-thousand Degrees!   Oh my God!   We’ll all be fried alive!   We’ll all be fried alive!

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
For God’s sake, someone take care of that hysterical woman!

WILL PIKER
Aye, aye, Captain.

He turns round and punches Female Ensign in the face.

Female Ensign grunts and goes flying backwards and falls into the open elevator.

After a moment the elevator door slams shut & the ELEVATOR STARTS UP.

WILL PIKER
Mission accomplished, sir.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Good man!

WARPED
The old master strikes back!

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Mr. Piker, prepare to lead an away mission down to the planet’s surface.

WILL PIKER
Aye, aye, sir.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Base, Warped, and Stasha, go with Mr. Piker.

STASHA (Shocked.)
You want me to go down to that planet?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Well, you are the chief security officer.

STASHA
Damn this equality…!
(Half a beat.)
What was the planet’s temperature again, Base?

BASE (Checking his instruments.)
The planet has a daytime summer temperature of around nine-thousand Degrees Celsius.

STASHA (Shocked.)
Nine-thousand Degrees.
(Considering a moment.)
So it’s a little warmish.   Then I’d better not wear my second overcoat down there.

She starts to unbutton her topcoat with the help of a female yeoman, Mandy.

Mandy takes the overcoat and starts to walk away.

MANDY is a typical Baywatch bimbo.

STASHA (Puzzled.)
And perhaps I’d better not wear my third overcoat either?

Mandy returns and starts to help Stasha to remove her top overcoat.   She takes the overcoat and starts to walk away.

STASHA (Puzzled.)
And perhaps I’d better not wear my fourth overcoat either?

Mandy returns and starts to help Stasha to remove her top overcoat.   She takes the overcoat and starts to walk away.

STASHA (Puzzled.)
And perhaps I’d better not wear my fifth overcoat either?

Mandy returns and starts to help Stasha to remove her
top overcoat.   She takes the overcoat and starts to walk away.

STASHA (Puzzled.)
And perhaps I’d better not wear my sixth overcoat either?

Sighing from frustrated, Mandy returns and starts to help Stasha to remove her top overcoat.   She takes the overcoat and starts to walk away.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — SOME TIME LATER

STASHA (Puzzled.)
And perhaps I’d better not wear my sixteenth overcoat either?

Mandy returns and starts to help Stasha to remove her top overcoat.   She takes the overcoat and starts to walk away.

STASHA (Puzzled.)
And perhaps I’d better not wear my seventeenth overcoat either?

Mandy returns and starts to help Stasha to remove her top overcoat.

MANDY screams and falls over backwards and the overcoats land on top of her concealing her, except for her feet sticking out at one end.

STASHA
But perhaps I’d better wear my first overcoat?

BASE
No, no, Stasha, you misunderstood me…
(Half a beat.)
I said the daytime summer temperature is nine-thousand Degrees Celsius.

WILL PIKER
But we’ll be going down there in winter and at night.

WARPED
When the temperature won’t rise above minus three-hundred Degrees Centigrade.

STASHA (Shocked.)
Minus three-hundred Degrees Centigrade?
(She races across to the pile of overcoats and grabs the top one.)
In that case, perhaps I’d better put back on my second overcoat?
(She hurriedly puts it back on & starts doing it up.)
And perhaps I’d better put back on my third overcoat?
(She takes it off the pile & puts it back on and starts doing it up.)
And perhaps I’d better put back on my fourth overcoat?
(She takes it off the pile & puts it back on and starts doing it up.)
And perhaps I’d better put back on my fifth overcoat?
(She takes it off the pile & puts it back on and starts doing it up.)
And perhaps I’d better put back on my sixth overcoat?
(She takes it off the pile & puts it back on and starts doing it up.)
And perhaps I’d better put back on my seventh overcoat?
(She takes it off the pile & puts it back on and starts doing it up.)

MANDY
Thank God!

As Stasha picks up the seventh overcoat Mandy manages to climb out from under the pile of overcoats and starts helping Stasha to do up the overcoat.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — SOME TIME LATER

STASHA
And perhaps I’d better put back on my sixteenth overcoat?
(She takes it off the pile & puts it back on and starts doing it up with the help of Mandy.)
And perhaps I’d better put back on my seventeenth overcoat?
(She takes it off the pile & puts it back on and starts doing it up with the help of Mandy.)

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Can I go on the away mission, Jean-Luke?

ELEANOR BOY-TOY is a gorgeous brunette, able to read minds.   She is Pick-Ass’s occasional lover and a major bimbo.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
No, Toy, it’d be best if you stay inside.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY (Indignant.)
And how long am I supposed to stay inside?

WILL PIKER
Until you uncross them and let one of us inside.

Toy glares at Piker.

INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Piker, Stasha, Base, and Warped stand on teleport rings, while Miles O’Pain operates teleport.   Stasha looks hyper-obese in all the overcoats she is wearing.

MILES O’PAIN is the teleport officer and assistant engineer, second to Gorie LeMorgue.   He is obsessed mainly with his work and his family.

WILL PIKER
All right put us down, Mr. O’Pain.

O’Pain operates teleport controls.

Teleport beams drop from the ceiling and engulfs Piker and the others.   Then their images start to shimmer and finally fade out altogether.

EXT. PLANET — DARKISH — ROCKY TERRAIN
Teleport beams drop from the sky, then the images of Piker and the others appear.

After a few seconds the images solidify.

Stasha, Warped, Base, and Piker start walking across the terrain to RHS of SHOT when from behind a large boulder appears a six-foot tall, tentacled-alien, holding a stayzer gun.

ALIEN
Now you shall all die Earthling scum.

WARPED
Er, actually I’m a Klingto warrior, not an Earthling.

BASE
And I’m an android.

WARPED
So you shouldn’t kill either of us.

BASE (Pointing at Stasha and Piker.)
They’re the only Earthling scum here.

WARPED
Yeah, so you should only kill them.

WILL PIKER
Shut up you two cowards.   We have to think of a way for us all to get out of this alive.

BASE
Well, strictly speaking I’m not actually alive, I’m an android.

STASHA
Shut up, you coward!

WARPED
My God, what’ll we do, commander?

STASHA
No worries, leave this to me.

She starts unbuttoning her top overcoat, hurriedly removes it and throws it across the clearing and over ALIEN’s head.

STASHA
Now…
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!

She spins round and starts running away to the LHS of SHOT.

After a second or so, Piker, Warped, and Base run after her.

They stop about a hundred yards from the alien.

WILL PIKER
All right, Stasha, signal the ship to beam us up.

Stasha taps the left of her chest but nothing happens.

She taps the right of her chest but nothing happens.

STASHA
That’s strange.
(She looks down as she starts tapping her chest all over.)
Oh no, my comm.-badge was on my top overcoat.

They turn round to look back to where ALIEN is still struggling to free itself from Stasha’s overcoat.

WARPED
What’ll we do now?

STASHA
Don’t panic.   Just wait here.

Stasha races across toward Alien.   Stasha is still half-a-dozen yards from Alien, when it suddenly pulls off the overcoat and throws it toward her.

Stasha catches the overcoat and starts hunting around it for her comm.-badge.

STASHA
Thanks.

Finding the comm.-badge, she pulls it off the overcoat, then throws the coat back toward Alien.

STASHA
Here, catch.

The overcoat lands over Alien’s head and tentacles again.

ALIEN
Oh damn!

Alien starts struggling with the overcoat as Stasha runs back to Piker and the others.

STASHA (Tapping comm.-badge/Shouting.)
Beam us up pronto.

MILES O’PAIN O/S
The name’s not Pronto…
(Half a beat.)
That’s the Lone Stranger’s horse you’re thinking of.

STASHA
Just beam us up, dammit!

MILES O’PAIN O/S
Nag!   Nag!   Nag!

Alien finally removes the overcoat and tosses it away.

ALIEN
You shall die for that indignity, accursed Earthling female!

Alien aims its stayzer at Stasha and the others and fires.

Teleport beams drop from the sky and engulfs Stasha and the others.

Their images start to shimmer and finally fade out altogether.

The stayzer beam fires through where their images were, just missing them and striking a tree, splitting it down the centre.

ALIEN
Damn, missed!

INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Teleport beams drop from the ceiling, then the images of Piker and the others appear.

After a few seconds the images solidify.

O’Pain and Pick-Ass are in the teleport room.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
How did it go, Number One?

WILL PIKER
No good, sir, the planet is inhabited by aliens hostile to human beings.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Damn!   Very well I’m going to my quarters to bonk ELEANOR BOY-TOY in every hole…
(Half a beat.)
Er, um, that is, to have a lie down.   You’re in charge of the bridge, Number One.

Pick-Ass turns and walks out of the teleport room.

WILL PIKER
I wonder why he calls me Number One all the time?

MILES O’PAIN
I don’t know…
(Half a beat.)
Just be grateful he doesn’t call you Number Two.

INT. STARKSHIP, FLIGHT DECK — DAY

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Piker, Warped, Stasha, and Base step out.

Warped, Stasha, and Base walk back to their positions, Piker walks over to sit in the captain’s seat.

WARPED
We’re under attack, sir, shall I call Captain Pick-Ass to the helm?

WILL PIKER
No, damn it, why should that bald old git get any more scenes…?
(Half a beat.)
I’m perfectly capable of handling any emergency.

WARPED (Sceptical.)
If you say so, sir.

BASE
Incoming missile from the starboard stern.

WILL PIKER (Puzzled.)
The what?

BASE
Starboard stern, sir.

WILL PIKER
Er, yes, of course…
(Half a beat.)
Fast turn to, er…
(Half a beat.)
That way.
(Holding up his left arm.)

WARPED (Puzzled.)
That way?

WILL PIKER (Angry.)
You heard me, Mr. Warped.

WARPED
That way it is, sir.
(He fiddles with consul controls for a moment.)
Now turning to that way, sir.

WILL PIKER
Give me visual, Mr. Stasha.

WARPED
Mr. Stasha?   Are you blind, Piker?

BASE
Yeah, the way that chick fills out a blouse, believe me, she’s no mister.

STASHA (Glaring at Base & Warped.)
Shut up, you creeps!   In the combined services, all officers are referred to as mister.

WILL PIKER
Even if they do really fill out a blouse.

STASHA (Glaring at Piker.)
Shut up!

WILL PIKER
Just give me visual somebody.

BASE
Visual now, sir.

He adjusts some controls and the forward viewer screen comes on, showing a CLOSE UP of Stasha’s rather ample cleavage.

WILL PIKER
Jesus, you were right.   She really does fill out a blouse…
(Half a beat.)
But I meant give me visual of the incoming missile.

BASE
Aye, aye, sir.

He adjusts some controls on the consul and the image on screen changes to an image of a rapidly approaching missile.

EXT. OUTSIDE STARKSHIP — DARKNESS
Starkship Energize rapidly turning left, circling away from an incoming missile, approaching from RHS of SHOT.

The missile just misses the starkship.

INT. STARKSHIP, FLIGHT DECK — DAY — AS BEFORE

WILL PIKER
See, it missed us by miles.

EXT. OUTSIDE STARKSHIP — DARKNESS
Energize rapidly turning left, circling away from missile, which explodes just off the front of the ship.

The starkship starts rocking wildly from side-to-side.

INT. STARKSHIP, FLIGHT DECK — DAY

WARPED
Would you believe by inches, you great, hairy dingleberry!

WILL PIKER
Well, it was hardly my fault.

WARPED (In disbelief.)
Hardly your fault?   “Fast turn that way!”   Jesus they used to give signals like that in the days before cars had turning lights.

STASHA
Yes, you great dingle.   If you knew your port from your starboard we might have got well away from it.

WILL PIKER
How dare you?   I know which side port is.

STASHA (Angry.)
Like hell you do!

WILL PIKER
Yes, I do.
(Facing forward, holding up left hand.)
That side is port.

Stasha, Base, and Warped all looked amazed.

WILL PIKER (Holding up right hand.)
That side is Chianti.
(Pointing directly forwards.)
The front is the Cinzano.
(Pointing directly behind him.)
And we store the beer in the rear.

STASHA (Sarcastic.)
My apologies, how could I have ever doubted you, sir?

BASE
He’s absolutely pathetic, isn’t he?

WARPED
The worst bit is, he almost had me believing in him for a second there.

STASHA
You poor sap.

BASE (Shouting.)
Another incoming missile.

STASHA (Terrified.)
Quickly, someone call the captain to the bridge.

WILL PIKER
Relax, just remember, if I call out Cinzano-Chianti, it means to the front of ship right-hand side.   And beer-port, means to the rear, left-hand side.

MILES O’PAIN O/S (Over intercom.)
Sir, what’s going on up there?   We’re being battered about down here and people are getting a bit jittery.

WILL PIKER (Into intercom.)
Leave everything to me, Mr. O’Pain.
(Into intercom.)
Everybody, this is Acting Captain Will Piker talking.   We have a slight emergency in process.

INT. ANOTHER DECK, CORRIDOR — LIT
People stop to listen to Piker over the intercom.

WILL PIKER
Everybody go about your normal duties.   And no matter what god-awful, terrible thing happens.
(Shouting.)
For Christ’s sake, don’t panic!

Everyone in the corridor starts screaming and running about wildly knocking himself or herself out as they crash into the walls.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE

WILL PIKER (Proudly.)
I think that probably calmed them down.
(Turning to Warped.)
Still, you’d better go to turquoise alert, Mr. Warped.

WARPED (Operating consul controls.)
Turquoise alert, it is, sir.

He pushes a button and an ALARM STARTS SOUNDING.

DIRECTOR (Shouting.) O/S
Cut!

INT. FLIGHT DECK/FILM SET — LIT/DAY

DIRECTOR & PRODUCER standing together.   Both are men
in their fifties or early sixties.   Beside them is a CAMERAMAN in his early thirties.

WILL PIKER
What the hell was wrong with that?

DIRECTOR
Turquoise alert, indeed…!
(Half a beat.)
Every second episode of the old TV series we had a turquoise alert!

WILL PIKER
Well, then, how about a chartreuse alert?

PRODUCER
Chartreuse alert, Christ!   We used those two out of every five episodes!

WILL PIKER
Well, then, how about a vermilion alert?

DIRECTOR
Jesus, you really are a cliché merchant, aren’t you?

WILL PIKER
Well, then, how about an alabaster alert?

PRODUCER
Alabaster alert?   Christ’s sake!   Some originality, please!

WILL PIKER
What about an azure alert, then?

DIRECTOR
Azure alert!   Jesus wept!
(Clapping a hand over his face.)

WILL PIKER
Well, how about a burnished umber alert?

Director and Producer exchange a puzzled look, both considering for a moment.

PRODUCER
Well, what’re you thing?

DIRECTOR
Sounds good to me.

PRODUCER
I’ve certainly never heard of a burnished umber alert before.

DIRECTOR
Okay let’s give that a try.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — AS BEFORE

WILL PIKER (Proudly.)
Well, I think that probably calmed them down.
(Turning to Warped.)
Still, you’d better go to burnished umber alert, Mr. Warped.

WARPED (Operating consul controls.)
Burnished umber alert, it is, sir.

He pushes a button and an ALARM STARTS SOUNDING.

STASHA (Puzzled.)
Burnished umber alert, what the hell does that mean?

Base picks up a lengthy manual, titled “COLOUR-CODED ALERTS” from under his work-station and flips through it rapidly.

BASE
Don’t ask me.   We’ve never used it before and it’s not in the colour-coded alerts manual.

STASHA (Amazed.)
Don’t tell me Commander Cliché has finally discovered a new colour?

BASE
It certainly seems like it.

WARPED (Shouting.)
Incoming missile off the starboard bow, dammit!

WILL PIKER (Puzzled.)
Starboard bow?
(Considering a moment.)
Evasive manoeuvres, Beer-Cinzano.

WARPED (Puzzled.)
Beer-Cinzano?   What the hell…?

EXPLOSION O/S then starkship starts rocking wildly from side-to-side.

People start SCREAMING and running about wildly every which way.

Stasha is thrown across the flight deck to collide with Warped, and they both fall to the deck.

WARPED (Lying on top of Stasha.)
This make’s it all worthwhile.

STASHA
Get out of it, you creep!

WARPED
That’s me all right.

STASHA
A creep with no shame yet!

The others are tossed across the flight deck from side-to-side.

People are desperately trying to climb to their feet, but they keep slipping over as though on an ice rink as the ship continues buffeting from side-to-side.

Mandy is tossed over the guard rail around the walkway and falls to the ground with a sickening THUD and lies still.

BASE
We’re all going to be killed!

WARPED
I’m not worried, I’ve landed on something soft.

STASHA (Angry.)
Yeah, me!   Now get off, you pervert!

Finally the starkship stops buffeting from side-to-side and people manage to climb tentatively back to their feet.

All accept Mandy who is out cold, and Warped who is happy to remain on top of Stasha.

Stasha struggles with Warped and finally manages to push him off.

STASHA
Get off me, you Klingto pervert.

She climbs to her feet and goes over to look at Mandy.

STASHA
Jesus, and Beverly complains about the Russian hands and Roman fingers…
(Half a beat.)
She’s lucky she’s never experienced the Klingto full-body front-and-back frisk.

Stasha kneels down to check on Mandy.

STASHA
We’ll need Beverly to have a look at Mandy.   She’s out like a dud-neon.

WILL PIKER (Into intercom.)
Could Beverly Ball-Krusha please come to the flight deck immediately?

Warped climbs back to his feet and glares at Piker.

WARPED (Shouting.)
Beer-Cinzano?   What the hell kind of command is that?   To the front rear!

WILL PIKER (Frustrated sigh.)
I meant hard-reverse to allow the missile to go harmlessly past us, then come forward again after it went past.

Warped and Base exchange a puzzle look.

BASE
He really is mad!

WARPED
Yes, I stand corrected, Mr. Base.

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Beverly Ball-Krusha and Pick-Ass come out onto the flight deck.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Right, what’s the medical emergency here?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA is an attractive redhead; mid forties.   She & Stasha are jealous of each other; but join forces to be jealous about the more attractive ELEANOR BOY-TOY.

STASHA
Over here.   Mandy is out like a blown neon.

Ball-Krusha walks over and kneels to start examining Mandy.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
All right, which of you idiots is responsible for the damage to my starkship?

WILL PIKER (Pointing at Warped.)
That idiot over there.   He didn’t even know what Beer-Cinzano meant.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Angry.)
Mr. Warped you idiot, I’ll have you broken down to…
(Half a beat./Puzzled.)
Beer-Cinzano?

He turns round to stare at Piker.

WILL PIKER (Demonstrating with his hands.)
It means to zigzag backwards, then forwards again to let a missile go harmlessly past.
(Facing forward, holding up left hand.)
That side is port.
(Holding up right hand.)
That side is Chianti.
(Pointing directly forwards.)
The front is the Cinzano.
(Pointing directly behind him.)
And we store the beer in the rear.

Pick-Ass stares at Piker in astonishment.

Warped, Base, and others return to their consuls.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Shouting.)
Piker you great hairy dingleberry, get out of the command chair before you get us all killed!

WILL PIKER (Getting out of the chair/Sulky.)
Jesus, one little mistake and he jumps me, like a British sailor trying to get a piggy-back in the showers.

In the b/g other medical staff come onto the flight deck and start helping Beverly Ball-Krusha to take care of Mandy and other injured crew members.

WARPED (Shouting.)
Another income nuclear missile.

BASE
If this one hits us too, the nuclear core of the Energize could go up.

STASHA
Then we’d have a real nuclear holocaust.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Does anyone know what to do if we get caught in a nuclear holocaust?

WILL PIKER (Holding up a manual.)
Yes, sir, I’ve got a manual here from the United States Department of Health on what to do when caught in a nuclear holocaust.
(Flipping through manual.)
Here it is…
(Half a beat.)
“When caught outdoors in a nuclear blast, do not stand closer than one hundred yards from the epicentre.   Turn your back to the blast and wear dark sunglasses.   If you do not have any sun-glasses, put a brown paper bag over your head instead.
(Half a beat.)
If indoors, close and lock all doors and windows and completely cover the windows with at least two layers of sticky tape.”

WARPED (Puzzled.)
When was that manual printed, sir?

WILL PIKER
1952.

STASHA
I’m guessing, but I think knowledge of nuclear blasts may have advanced just a tad since then.

WARPED
Missile incoming from the starboard bow.

WILL PIKER
Beer-Cinzano immediately.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Shouting.)
Belay that order!   Full reverse.

EXT. OUTSIDE STARKSHIP — DARKNESS
Starkship Energize rapidly reversing away from an incoming missile, approaching from RHS of SHOT.

The missile just misses the starkship.

INT. STARKSHIP, FLIGHT DECK — DAY — AS BEFORE

WILL PIKER
See, it missed us by miles.

STASHA
No thanks to you.

In the b/g Mandy climbs back to her feet as medical crew take others over to the elevator and out of the flight deck.

WILL PIKER
If that’s how you feel, I’ll bugger off then and leave the command to Old Baldy.

ALL FLIGHT CREW
Yes, please.

WILL PIKER (Stepping away from control chairs/Sulky.)
Very well, if that’s how you want it.   I thought at least one of them would stand up for me.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Right, now where are those damn missiles coming from?

BASE
Alien vessel about ten thousand Kays off the starboard bow.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Give me visual.

Base adjusts his consul controls and the viewer screen zooms in on an odd-looking flying saucer.

WARPED
What the hell kind of craft is that?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Who cares, just blow it to shit before it gives me any more patients.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Mr. Warped, arm all photographic torpedoes.

WARPED (Adjusting consul controls.)
All photographic torpedoes armed and ready for firing.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Fire first two photographic torpedoes.

WARPED (Adjusting consul controls.)
First two photographic torpedoes now firing.

EXT. OUTSIDE STARKSHIP — DARKNESS
two bursts of light flash from the front of the Energize and explode against the alien spaceship.

Alien spaceship explodes with a great flash.

INT. ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT

WARPED
Alien spaceship destroyed, Captain.

EXT. PLANET — DARKISH — ROCKY TERRAIN
Six foot tall, tentacled-alien, staring up into space as two bright flashes race from the front of the Energize and destroy the other spaceship.

ALIEN
So Earthling scum, you have destroyed the mother-ship!   No matter, you shall all die for this.

INT. BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA’S QUARTERS — NIGHT
Ball-Krusha, Piker, GORIE LeMORGUE, and Warped are seated around a small card-table playing cards, Ball-Krusha is dealing.

All of the men are wearing different types of beards.

GORIE LeMORGUE is the blind chief engineer and is good at his job.   He wears a sweat-band over his eyes.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
So what is it with you guys and beards?

GORIE LeMORGUE
Beards are cool and in.

WARPED
Or at least they were before that nerd grew one.
(Pointing at Piker.)

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
All right, I’ll tell you what.   Let’s play one last hand.   And if I win you all have to shave your beards off.

GORIE LeMORGUE/WARPED (Uncertain.)
Weeeeeeell…?

WILL PIKER
Okay.   But if one of us wins, you have to shave your pussy fuzz off.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA (Shocked.)
Hey!   How dare you!

GORIE LeMORGUE
Anyway, that’s no deal, she already shaves her pussy.

Warped and Piker turn to stare at Ball-Krusha, then at Gorie LeMorgue, who blushes from embarrassment.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Er, well, um, what I meant to say was….

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA (To Gorie LeMorgue.)
Shut up, you idiot, or you won’t be getting any tonight.

Warped and Piker turn to stare at Ball-Krusha again.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Er, well, um, that is, not that he’s ever gotten any, you understand.

WILL PIKER
So that’s why the blind bastard goes round with a grin like a half-witted Cheshire cat most of the time.

EXPLOSION O/S then starkship starts rocking wildly from side-to-side, throwing them all to the floor and scattering their cards everywhere.

GORIE LeMORGUE
What the hell happened?

ALARMS start blaring.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Through intercom.)
Would Commander Will Piker and Mr. Warped come immediately to the bridge.

WILL PIKER
We’re playing poker, dammit, not bridge!

WARPED (Frustrated.)
I think he meant to the flight deck.

WILL PIKER
Oh, I see.   Well, why the hell didn’t he say so?

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT

ALARMS still blaring.

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Piker, Warped and Ball-Krusha race out onto the flight deck.

WILL PIKER
What’s going on?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Would someone shut off that damn alarm!   It’s giving me a headache.

Base presses a switch on his consul and alarm stops.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
We’re under attack from a Klingto Raider.

On viewer screen an alien spaceship can be seen.

BASE
Klingto Raider arming photographic torpedoes, readying to fire.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Then do the same.

BASE (Adjusting consul controls.)
Arming photographic torpedoes, readying to fire.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Prepare to fire on Klingto Raider on my signal.

BRIGHT FLASH on viewer screen and Klingto Raider starts drifting aimlessly.

WARPED
There appears to have been an explosion of some kind aboard the Klingto Raider.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Any signs of intelligent life, Mr. Warped?

WARPED
No life signs present, Captain.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Can we access their crew manifesto, Mr. Base?

BASE
Accessing their crew manifesto now, Captain.
(Adjusting consul controls.)
According to this they had a crew of nearly 700.   Four hundred males and three hundred females.

WARPED (Puzzled.)
Only three hundred females to four hundred males?

WILL PIKER
Some of the women must have had to take it into two holes at once.   Otherwise there weren’t enough to go around.

STASHA
Shut up, you pervert!

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Very well, Mr. Stasha prepare a boarding party.

WILL PIKER
I’d gladly volunteer to join any party to board Stasha.

STASHA
Shut up, I said!

INT. HELEN LLEWELLYN’S CABIN — LIT

HELEN LLEWELLYN seated on her bed reading.   A BRUNETTE is painting her fingernails, seated on her own bed.

Helen Llewellyn is a doctor and micro-biologist.   She has the least technical knowledge of any of the crew; but is less of a bimbo than most of the women.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS O/S (Over intercom.)
Would Helen Llewellyn please head to the teleport bay to take part in an away mission immediately.

Helen Llewellyn walks across to what looks like a metal desk lamp, clicks it on and talks into it.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Oh my way, Captain.

She turns and walks across to the door, which WHOOSHES open and leaves.

BRUNETTE
Talking into a desk lamp?   Man that chick is weird.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE:

ACT TWO:

FADE IN:
INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Stasha, Piker, Warped, Base, Ball-Krusha, and Helen Llewellyn enter the room from the outside corridor.

O’Pain standing at the teleport controls.

HELEN LLEWELLYN (Hold her right hand toward Piker.)
Dr Helen Llewellyn, Mr. Piker.   We’ve already met.

WILL PIKER
Oh, that’s right, I pumped you after your last away mission.   Er, um, what I meant to say was, I debriefed you…
(Half a beat.)
Er, that is I interfered with you after your last mission.

STASHA
Oh, I see, you interfered with her did you!   And you wonder why I won’t go steady with you when you’re interfering with other women?

WILL PIKER
That’s nonsense!

WARPED
Of course it is.   I mean the guy’s having it off with a blonde, and you want us to believe he’d cheat on you with a mere brunette.   Get real!

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA/STASHA/HELEN LLEWELLYN
What?

WILL PIKER
Don’t worry, ladies, I’ll get him for you.
(He whacks Warped hard across the back of the head.)
And for God’s sake how many times do I have to tell you, Mr. Warped…?
(Half a beat.)
Get that damn silly-putty off your face.

WARPED
Oh, all right.

He reaches up, grabs the Klingto prosthesis on his forehead and rips it off, so he looks like a normal human male.

WILL PIKER
All right, beam us across to the Klingto Raider, Mr. O’Pain.

MILES O’PAIN (Operating teleport controls.)
Sooner you than me.

Teleport beams drop from the ceiling and engulfs Piker and the others.

Then their images start to shimmer and finally fade out altogether.

INT. KLINGTO RAIDER, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Teleport beams drop from the ceiling, then the images of Stasha, Piker, and the others appear.

After a few seconds the images solidify.

They are all holding stayzer-guns as they scan round the teleport area.

WARPED
No one at the controls, Stasha.

SCREAM O/S LHS of SHOT.

STASHA
Everyone fan out and follow me.

WARPED
Gladly.   That way you’re in the firing line not us.   So we’ve got a better chance of survival.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Good thinking, Warped.

STASHA
Shut up, you cowards!

Stasha runs toward the door to the corridor.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Door opens and Stasha runs out, followed by the others.

Stasha looks left and right, then starts down the corridor to LHS of SHOT.

INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — TEN MINUTES LATER
Stasha and the others find the corpses of half-a-dozen Klingto Warriors lying in the corridor.

WARPED
Oh God, no.

He drops down and cradles the head of one of the Klingtos in his arms.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA (Kneeling beside him.)
Is this your brother, Warped?

WARPED
Yes, this is…
(Half a beat.)
Was my brother.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
He still is…
(Half a beat.)
Except now he’s just a bag of lifeless old bones.

STASHA
Well, look who’s talking.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Shut up, you bitch!

They race at each other and start trying to claw each other’s eyes out.

Piker and Base race across to try to separate the two women.

WILL PIKER
Girls!   Girls!   Girls!   Settle down!

BASE
Yes, try to show a little decorum.   Mr. Warped’s brother is dead.   The last thing he needs is to see a Cat-fight.

WARPED
Actually you’re wrong, Base.   Like all Klingtos, I always enjoy watching a good Cat-fight.   It would almost make up for the loss of my brother.

BASE
Oh, I see…
(Half a beat.)
In that case, carry on, ladies.

Piker and Base step aside and Stasha and Ball-Krusha start pulling each other’s hair and SQUEALING IN RAGE while the others watch on.

BASE
Yes, actually I can see what you mean now, Warped.   It is rather stimulating.

WILL PIKER
The best bit comes next…
(Half a beat.)
After they finish.

WARPED
Yes, they’ll both be too exhausted to fight us off when we try to jump their bones.

BASE
In that case I’d better set my built-in dildo to high.

DILDO HUMMING MADLY.

INT. KLINGTO RAIDER, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Half-a-dozen Klingto corpses lie about the flight deck.

DOOR WHOOSHES open and Stasha and the others enter. 

Stasha and Ball-Krusha both look very dishevelled.

WILL PIKER
We’d better check the flight controls.

Base, Stasha, and Warped walk across and start trying the controls.

WARPED
Controls do not respond, Commander.

WILL PIKER
What was the question again?

STASHA
He means the controls don’t work.

WILL PIKER
Oh, I see.   Any explanation as to what happened, Base?

BASE
I think we’re going to have to put this down…
(Half a beat.)
And stop me, if I’m getting too technical…
(Half a beat.)
As stuff that happened.

WILL PIKER
Stuff that happened?

WARPED
I see now why they say androids are far more scientifically advanced in their thinking than mere humans.

EXPLOSION O/S then starkship starts rocking wildly from side-to-side.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Oh no, they’re attacking again.

WILL PIKER (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!

STASHA
Beam us back, Mr. O’Pain.
(Clicking comm. badge/Half a beat.)
Miles?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
What can be wrong?

BASE
Maybe this ship has some kind of dampening field around it?

WARPED
Or maybe that explosion that we heard was aboard the Energize?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
You mean we could be stranded here?

STASHA
No, we can use this ship’s teleport controls to get back.

She turns and races toward the doors followed by the others.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Door opens and Stasha races out, followed by the others, and races down corridor to RHS of SHOT.

INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — TEN MINUTES LATER
Stasha and the others stop outside the teleport room door.

INT. TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Stasha, & the others enter.

Base walks over to the teleport controls, as the others walk across to the teleport rings.

BASE
I’ll see if I can set the controls to delayed-teleport.

WILL PIKER
If not we’ll have to just abandon you here.

BASE
What?   Don’t be ridiculous!

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Yes, Base is an expensive android.   If we have to abandon anyone here, Helen is much more expendable.

HELEN LLEWELLYN (Shocked.)
What?   Who me?

INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Miles O’Pain is lying unconscious on the floor by the teleport controls.

Teleport beams drop from the ceiling, then the images of Piker and the others appear.

After a few seconds the images solidify.

Looking about, they see O’Pain on the floor.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Miles?

She races across to him, followed by the others. 

Ball-Krusha pulls a medical third-quarter from her belt and starts treating him.

After a moment O’Pain starts to moan.

WILL PIKER (Shaking O’Pain by the shoulder.)
O’Pain…
(Half a beat.)
Miles, what happened here?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Not now, Will, he has to recover first.

WILL PIKER
Sometimes pain can drive a man better than pleasure.   Isn’t that right, Stasha?

WHIP CRACKING.

Piker screams and leaps round and starts rubbing his backside.

INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Stasha is standing behind Piker dressed in a leather dominatrix outfit.

STASHA
It certainly is, you snivelling little worm!

She CRACKS THE WHIP and Piker leaps out of the way.

WILL PIKER
Not now, Stasha, we’re on duty.
(To Ball-Krusha.)
Take care of him, Doc, while we go to the flight deck.

Piker races across to the door, followed by the others.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Door opens and Piker exits, followed by the others and they run down the corridor to LHS of SHOT.

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Half-a-dozen bodies are lying about the floor or slumped across the controls.

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Piker enters, followed by the others, who stop and stare at the corpses.

WILL PIKER
Oh my God!

They race across and start examining the corpses.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — TEN MINUTES LATER

WILL PIKER
Any survivors?

HELEN LLEWELLYN/BASE/STASHA/WARPED
No, they’re all dead.

BASE
But more importantly, are any of them regulars from the old TV series?

HELEN LLEWELLYN (Pointing at them one by one.)
No, there’s Mr. Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Slaughtered…
(Half a beat.)
Mr. Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Annihilated…
(Half a beat.)
Ms Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Stomped-Wafer-Thin…
(Half a beat.)
Ms Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Torn-Limb-From-Limb…
(Half a beat.)
Mr. Only-Appearing-In-This-Movie-To-Get-Disembowelled…
(Half a beat.)
And Ms Only-Appearing-In-This-Series-To-Get-Exterminated.

WILL PIKER (Puzzled.)
Ms Only-Appearing-In-This-Series-To-Get-Exterminated?

STASHA
She transferred to our show from Dr Who.

WILL PIKER
Oh, I.
(Looking about flight deck slowly.)
Mr. Warped, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

WARPED
I think I’m thinking what you’re thinking.   Do you think I’m thinking you think I think what I think you’re thinking…?

WILL PIKER (Shouting.)
Shut up!

WARPED (Sulky.)
I didn’t think you were gonna say that!

Base, Warped, and Stasha walk across to start checking the flight controls.

WILL PIKER
Are the controls working.

BASE
Warped-drive is off-line and will take two days minimum to fix.   But impulsive power is on line.

STASHA
There is some strange form of vaporous trail heading toward a planet about six hours from here on impulsive power.

WILL PIKER
Okay, let’s get to that planet.

Base adjusts some controls on his flight consul and on viewer screen the stars become streaks as the Energize starts moving again.

INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — SIX HOURS LATER
On viewer screen can be seen a bright yellow planet, seemingly one great land mass with no sign of oceans.

BASE
Now in orbit around unknown planet.

WILL PIKER
Any life-forms registering on the planet?

HELEN LLEWELLYN
No, Commander.

BASE
In fact, one might even say that there is an almost total lack of intelligence on the planet.

WILL PIKER
Sounds a lot like Earth.

STASHA
You should know.

WILL PIKER
What can you make of the planet from here?

BASE
It seems to have no oceans or water caches of any kind.   It is very puzzling since there is definitely a heavy atmosphere and signs of plant life…
(Half a beat.)
It is indeed an enigma.   Very fascinating.   One might even hazard to say…
(Half a beat.)
Interesting.

WILL PIKER
Or as those of us with some human emotions might say.
(Shouting.)
Freeeeeeeeee…
(Half a beat.)
Kiiiiiiiiin!

He falls over backwards scattering a small tray and glasses everywhere.

STASHA
Shut up, you idiot, we have to find some way to rescue Captain Pick-Ass and the others.

WILL PIKER (Climbing back to his feet.)
Yes, any suggestions on how to rescue them?

WARPED
I have a plan, Commander…
(Half a beat.)
We could beam down there with our stayzers blazing, kill every alien in sight, and rescue the Captain and the others.

Piker and Stasha exchange a puzzled look.

WILL PIKER
Does anyone have any sane plans?

WARPED
I have a second plan, Commander…
(Half a beat.)
We could beam down there with our stayzers blazing, zap any computers in sight, kill every alien in sight, and rescue the Captain and the others.

WILL PIKER (Frustrated sigh.)
Anyone else?

WARPED
I have a third plan, Commander…
(Half a beat.)
We could beam down there with our stayzers blazing, kill every male alien in sight, rape every female alien.   Then rescue the Captain and the others.

WILL PIKER (Almost pleadingly.)
Are there any other plans, dammit?

WARPED
I have a fourth plan, Commander….

WILL PIKER
Just as a matter of interest, Mr. Warped, does this fourth plan of yours start with us beaming down there with our stayzers blazing, and killing every alien in sight?

WARPED (Astonished.)
Oh my God, how did you know that?   You must be psycho or something.   It’s as though you can read my mind…
(Half a beat.)
You seem to read me like a book.

WILL PIKER
Believe me, you don’t need to be a speed-reader to read this psychotic Klingto loony like a book.

STASHA
That’s for damn sure.

BASE
So how do we find Captain Pick-Ass and the others?

WILL PIKER
Well, if we don’t know where they are, Mr. Base, try to find out where they are not.   Begin a thorough surface scan immediately.

BASE (Shocked.)
Of the whole planet?

WILL PIKER
No, just of the six square feet directly in front of the viewer screen.

BASE
Oh good that simplifies things a lot.

WILL PIKER
I was being sarcastic, dammit!

BASE (Frustrated sigh.)
Oh damn!

WILL PIKER
Mr. Warped, do you remember your zero-gravity training?

WARPED
I remember projectile-vomiting over the edge of a walkway.   Then looking down and seeing Captain Pick-Ass covered from head to foot in rapidly cooling puke.

WILL PIKER (Puzzled.)
What the hell has that to do with anything?

WARPED
Just warning you that it could happen again if you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting.

WILL PIKER
And what do you think I’m suggesting?

WARPED
That we go walkies on the outside of the starkship.

WILL PIKER
No, actually I was just making conversation…
(Half a beat.)
But now that you mention it….

WARPED
Damn, me and my big mouth!

FLASH behind Piker then X appears.

X is an evil alien from an alternative dimension.   He carries a staff-of-power and has near magical powers.

STASHA
Who’s that weird, purple-clad alien who just popped into existence behind Will?

They all spin round and stare at X.

X
My name is X.   I am a member of the Xtra People, a species of malevolent, alternative-reality aliens, who dominate and control the humans in this sector of space.   For centuries we have been assisting a species of humanoids called the Ch’iang to attempt to steal the planet below this spaceship from its rightful owners the Yang.      Not to mention appearing in most Earth-made movies and TV series.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
The Yang?   It’s a pity the Ch’iang aren’t called the Ying.   Then you would have the Ying and the Yang.

X/STASHA/WILL PIKER/BASE/WARPED
Shut up!

WILL PIKER (To X.)
And knock off the plot-summary, dingleberry-head, you’re spoiling the movie for the audience.

WARPED
At least he helped us to get the story moving along again.

X is holding a long wand, which he points at Stasha. 

FLASH then Stasha POPS out of existence.

WILL PIKER
You purple-clad menace!

Piker and Base race toward X.

X holds his wand out toward them.

There is another FLASH, then Piker and Base POP out of existence.

WARPED
Uh-oh, do the words chicken…?

X holds his wand out toward Warped.

There is another FLASH, then Warped POPS out of existence.

HELEN LLEWELLYN (Shouting.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah!   Vermilion alert!

She spins round and races across toward the elevator bay.

INT. CORRIDOR, ANOTHER FLOOR — DAY
ALARM SOUNDING.

ELEVATOR DOOR WHOOSHES open and Helen races out and runs down the corridor to RHS of SHOT.

MOVING SHOT following Helen who almost collides with Gorie LeMorgue, running in the opposite direction.

GORIE LeMORGUE
What’s going on?

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Just follow me.

GORIE LeMORGUE (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Anywhere, sweet thing.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Shut up!

Helen starts running down the corridor to RHS again.

After a moment, Gorie LeMorgue starts after her.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Ooooo, look at that sweet ass in motion.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Shut up, you pervert!

INT. MEDICAL BAY — LIT
Ball-Krusha is attending to Miles O’Pain who is now sitting up on a medical sofa.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Can you tell me what happened, Miles?

MILES O’PAIN
I was standing at the teleport, when the controls operated by themselves.   And what I took to be Mongols from the middle-ages beamed aboard and knocked me out.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Mongols?   Or mongrels?

MILES O’PAIN
A bit of each really.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S.

The door WHOOSHES open and Helen and Gorie LeMorgue race into the medical bay.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Take a seat, and I’ll be with you in a minute.

HELEN LLEWELLYN (Between pants.)
We haven’t come for a medical, dingle.   We’re running to warn you that the Energize has been boarded by an enemy alien.

MILES O’PAIN
You didn’t have to run to tell us that.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Yeah, you could’ve told us over the intercom.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Oh damn, I never thought of that.

FLASH OF LIGHT then X POPS into existence near Ball-Krusha, who screams.

X touches her with his wand and she POPS out of existence.

Gorie LeMorgue spins round and starts adjusting controls on a medical panel.

GORIE LeMORGUE
If I can establish a localised force-field around this consul, he won’t be able to touch us.

X aims his wand at O’Pain and slams it down toward him.

HUMMING and a pale blue force-field appears around O’Pain, Helen, and Gorie LeMorgue.

The wand hits the force-field, rebounds and hits X and he POPS out of existence.

X O/S
Damn!

INT. LARGE BANQUET HALL — DAY
The hall is filled with young adults and teenagers (mainly of oriental extraction) wearing furs, seated at long wooden tables eating cold meat and vegetables.   In front of the tables stand Pick-Ass, ELEANOR BOY-TOY and other crew-members from the Energize.

FLASH OF LIGHT then X POPS into existence in front of Pick-Ass.

Seconds later there are a series of FLASHES then Piker, Stasha, Base, Warped, and Ball-Krusha all POP into existence.

WARPED
Captain Pick-Ass, you’re all right.

WILL PIKER
Oh damn, I was hoping Old Baldy would be dead, so I could take over.

Warped and Pick-Ass are looking about the men and women sitting at the tables surrounding them.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
What do you think, Mr. Warped?

WARPED (Pointing at different women in turn.)
I like that one’s head…
(Half a beat.)
That one’s tits…
(Half a beat.)
That one’s legs…
(Half a beat.)
And that one’s hair.

WILL PIKER
Well, it’s a pity Baron Frankenstein isn’t here.   You could ask him to assemble your ideal woman out of those four.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Shut up, you idiots.   I meant what are our chances of getting out of here?

WARPED
Oh, I see.   Pretty much bugger all.
(Pointing at one of the women.)
Actually that one has a very nice ass.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Is there something we don’t know about you, Mr. Warped…
(Half a beat.)
And should do?

X
Silence in the presence of the CH’IANG-LEADER!
(Pointing at a man in his early thirties.)
Ch’iang-Leader is the ruler of this planet, Highpoint.

STASHA
Don’t tell the Captain to shut up, you purple-clad poofter.   Only we can tell our captain to shut up…
(Half a beat.)
Shut up, Captain.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Be silent!

STASHA
How dare you tell me to be silent!   Gone are the days when men could order women to be silent.   In the old male-dominated society woman had no voice of her own and let man talk for her.   Then the feminists came along and gave woman voice.

WILL PIKER (Whispering.)
Now if only someone would come along and rip her tongue out, so she’d shut up and we could all get some damn peace.

CH’IANG-LEADER (Shouting.)
Silence, wench!

X touches Stasha with his wand.   Blinding FLASH, then she falls to the ground.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Oh my God.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY and Ball-Krusha race across and kneel to examine Stasha.

Stasha is covered from head to foot in a thin layer of ice, which even protrudes from her nostrils.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Oh my God, she’s frozen solid like an ice-block.

WARPED
So what else is news?   She always was, the frigid cow.

WILL PIKER
Yeah, you know what these fema-loony types are like.   Frankly you’ve got more chance of pulling a nun.

INT. LARGE BANQUET HALL — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
ELEANOR BOY-TOY and Ball-Krusha are still kneeling beside Stasha trying to warm her up.   ELEANOR BOY-TOY is rubbing her hands and legs with her own hands, Ball-Krusha is using a medical third-quarter to try to warm her.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Stasha, are you starting to feel hot yet?

STASHA (Faintly.)
I feel infuriated, deeply put upon, and absolutely outraged.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Yes, but are you feeling hot?

WILL PIKER
And if you are feeling hot, how about a quickie?

STASHA (Faintly.)
Will…?

He kneels down to listen to her.

Stasha reaches up and belts Piker in the face, sending him flying backwards across the room.

WARPED
I think we can take that to mean, “No!”

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Well, at least she’s starting to get her strength back.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Take these infidels to the cells.

X
To hear is to obey, Ch’iang-Leader.
(Turning toward other Ch’iangs.)
ALEXI!

A dwarf Ch’iang, Alexi, steps toward X.

ALEXI
Yes?

CH’IANG-LEADER
Speak with more respect when addressing the Lord X.

ALEXI (Bowing low.)
To hear is to obey, Ch’iang-Leader.

X
Take these infidels to the cells, Alexi.

ALEXI (Bowing low.)
To hear is to obey, Lord X.
(To Pick-Ass and the others.)
All right, walk this way.
(He starts toward the door, then stops and looks back at them.)
And for God’s sake don’t do that old walk-this-way joke!

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Indignant.)
We weren’t going to!   We’re not that desperate for laughs in this movie.

Alexi turns and starts walking toward the door again.

INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
Alexi enters through a stone arch, followed by Pick-Ass and the others.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Alexi, are there other Ch’iangs like you?

ALEXI
What do you mean, like me?

WILL PIKER
He means runts.

ALEXI
Is this a crack about my height?

WARPED
What height?

Pick-Ass is standing on one foot with a hand resting on Alexi’s head for support.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Not at all.   Where I come from all people are treated equally.   Regardless of age, sex, height, or colour.

ALEXI
Really?   Where do you people come from?

WILL PIKER
Well, let me put it like this.

TWILIGHT ZONE THEME starts playing.

Smoke starts swirling from the wall on the LHS of SHOT.

Out of the smoke steps a ROD SERLING LOOK-ALIKE.

ROD STERLING (Straight at camera.)
Where can a dwarf get the same respect as everyone else, and not have people stop in the streets to laugh and point at him…?
(Half a beat.)
Only here…
(Half a beat.)
In the twilit zone.

WARPED
Does that answer your question?

ALEXI
Yes, thank you.

ROD STERLING
Yes, only in the Twilit Zone….

Two Ch’iang guards with them race across toward Rod Sterling, aiming their stayzers at him.

Sterling screams and races back toward the smoke swirling from the door.

As Rod Sterling goes to step into the smoke, 1ST-CH’IANG fires his stayzer and Rod Sterling is enveloped in a bright yellow beam.

Sterling screams again, then his image starts to shimmer, then fade out, and a great mound of ash falls to the floor where he previously was.

ALEXI (Pointing forward.)
This way, please, your cell is just round the corner.

He starts forward again with Pick-Ass and the others following him.

INT. CORRIDOR LEADING TO BARRED CELLS — DAY

ALEXI
I’m sure you’ll find everything to your liking.   There’s fresh air…
(Half a beat.)
From an open window high in the cell.   Fresh-running water…
(Half a beat.)
From a busted sewer-pipe.   And a nice comfy board each to sleep on.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Look, knock off the guided tour already.

ALEXI (Offended.)
Sorry.

He walks up to open the cell door.

In the cell can be seen a teenage boy, CHARLIE.

ALEXI
Charlie, we’ve got company for you.

Charlie is about eighteen, very naive in some ways, and like Piker & Warped obsessed with women.

INT. INSIDE CELL — DAY
Door opens and Pick-Ass and the others enter.

CHARLIE
Company at last.

Charlie runs across to the door to greet them.

CHARLIE
Hello, my name’s Charlie.   I’ve been here since the Ch’iangs captured our spacecraft and killed my parents when I was only a baby.

Charlie shakes hands with Pick-Ass, Piker, Base, and Warped in turn as they enter, then stops and stares at Stasha’s chest as she enters.

CHARLIE
This one’s got bumps on his chest…
(Half a beat.)
Very big bumps.

Stasha glares at Charlie until he finally looks up at her face.

CHARLIE
Are you a girl?

STASHA
As a matter of fact, yes.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
I certainly hope she’s a girl.   We’re in big trouble if there are any men who look like that in Starkfleet.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Actually, Charlie, in these liberated times we don’t call adult females girls anymore.

CHARLIE
You don’t?

He stares down at Ball-Krusha’s chest, making her blush and cross her hands over her chest.

WILL PIKER
No, we call them chicks.

WARPED
Or birds.

BASE
Or pussy.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Or broads.

Charlie looks across at ELEANOR BOY-TOY and Mandy.

CHARLIE
(Pointing at Ball-Krusha, ELEANOR BOY-TOY, then Mandy.)
They’ve got bumps on their chests too.   Does that make them pussies too?

WILL PIKER
It certainly does.   That’s one of the main ways we tell pussies from guys.

CHARLIE
What are the other ways?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
By the size of their asses.   A pussy’s ass is so much larger and rounder than a man’s.

He looks around at Stasha’s ass.

After a second Charlie looks round at Stasha’s ass too.

CHARLIE
Yes, I see what you mean.

STASHA (Indignant.)
Hey!   Stop that!

Charlie walks across to Stasha and starts looking her up and down, while slowly circling around her to check her out front and back.

CHARLIE (Stopping facing toward her.)
Hel…
(Half a beat.)
Low, gorgeous, you’re like a feast to a starving man.
(He steps up close toward her.)
And how about a bite right now?

Stasha belts Charlie with her right fist.

Charlie grunts and goes flying across the cell and crashes into Warped and Piker.

SOUND LIKE SKITTLES and all three of them fall to the floor.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
I think he can take that as a “No”.

ALEXI
Well, I’ll leave you all to get acquainted.

He slams the cell door.

KEY IN LOCK, then RETREATING FOOTSTEPS.

Ball-Krusha and ELEANOR BOY-TOY kneel beside the bunk, and start bandaging the head of Charlie, who lies upon the bunk unconscious.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Is he going to be all right?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA (Scanning Charlie with third-quarter.)
Nothing seems to be broken anyway.

STASHA
Look, who is this X character?   Is it possible that he comes from a parallel universe as he claims?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Well, parallel universes have been postulated since the 1960s.

WILL PIKER
By Arthur C. Clarke if no one else.

APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS, then KEY IN LOCK.

Door opens then Ch’iang-Leader enters followed by what looks like a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl, MI-LING.

MI-LING is a good-looking bimbo, who looks like a young teenager, but is really an old woman.

WILL PIKER
How about dumping your grandfather….
(Pointing at Ch’iang-Leader.)
And sitting on my face for a while, cutie.

MI-LING (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Sure, handsome, any time you like.

WARPED
Looks like he’s in there, the lucky bastard.

STASHA (Shocked.)
Hey, she’s only about twelve years old!

WARPED (Puzzled.)
So what’s your point exactly?

BASE
Yeah, you can’t expect him to go for a crusty, old piece of mutton like you, when there’s spring lamb available.

STASHA
How dare you!

Stasha slaps Base’s face with SOUND OF A RIFLE SHOT.

Stasha screams and starts shaking her wrist and rubbing at it.

WARPED
Let that be a lesson to you.   Never slap the face of a distronic-Titanium alloy android.

STASHA
Now he tells me.

CH’IANG-LEADER (Pointing at Mi-Ling.)
Actually Mi-Ling is more than a hundred years old.

WILL PIKER
In that case, forget it.   I don’t do it with old bags like that.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Actually that was what I wanted to ask you.   Whether your doctor, Ball-Krusha, would like to see our laboratories, to see for yourselves the youth elixirs we have devised?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Yes, of course.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
So would I, if you have no objection.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Oh dammit, all right, why don’t we make a procession of it.   Would anyone else like to see our labs?

BASE/STASHA/WARPED/WILL PIKER
I would.

CH’IANG-LEADER
It doesn’t pay to be sarky with these Earthlings.

MI-LING
That’s for sure.   They don’t understand irony.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Oh all right, let’s play follow the leader.

Ch’iang-Leader and Mi-Ling walk over to the door and exit, followed closely by Ball-Krusha, ELEANOR BOY-TOY, Piker, Base, Warped, Stasha, Female Ensign, Mandy, etc.

Door slams shut, KEY IN LOCK, then RETREATING FOOTSTEPS.

APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS, then KEY IN LOCK, the door opens and Alexi appears followed by two Ch’iang guards.

ALEXI
Captain Pick-Ass, Charlie, please follow me.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Where are you taking us, Alexi?

ALEXI
Don’t worry, nothing unpleasant will happen to you.

Ch’iang guards snicker at this, as Pick-Ass, Charlie and Alexi exit.

INT. CORRIDOR — DAY — CH’IANG-LEADER &
Mi-Ling leading along Ball-Krusha and the others.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Imagine an elixir, which allows a hundred-year-old woman to look like a twelve-year-old girl.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Yeah, it leaves for dead any moisturisers I’ve ever had.

Ball-Krusha and the others stop and stare at ELEANOR BOY-TOY for a moment, before starting down the corridor again.

INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
Pick-Ass & Piker are being lead down the corridor to RHS of SHOT.

After a moment they stop at a wooden door.

CHARLIE
What horrible fate awaits us in here, I wonder?

ALEXI (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
You might be surprised.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
You sick, sadistic bastard.

INT. LUXURY QUARTERS — DAY
Door opens and Pick-Ass and Charlie enter and look about.

Pick-Ass and Charlie stand staring so the two women stroll over to them.

1ST BLONDE CH’IANG
Hello, master.

CHARLIE
Well, hello, cutie.

1ST BLONDE CH’IANG
I am your trainer, master.

CHARLIE (Rubbing his hands with glee.)
Sounds good to me, does that include push-ups?   Cause if it does, I’d like to start right now.   And I bags top position.

1ST BLONDE CH’IANG
You may do with me what you will, master.

CHARLIE (Grinning ear-to-ear.)
Sounds good to me.
(Scooping her up into his arms.)
Well, see you in about eight hours, Old Baldy.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Shut up, Charlie!

Charlie carries 1st Blonde Ch’iang across to one of the beds, which has curtains, which he pulls shut around it so we can’t see.

SPRINGS SQUEAKING as someone climbs onto a bed, then they start SQUEAKING FURIOUSLY.

1ST BLONDE CH’IANG O/S (Shouting.)
Oh yes!   Yes!   Yes!   Deeper my love!   Deeper!   Deeper!   Shove it in deeper!   I want every inch of your great big, beautiful cock inside me!   Oh yes!   Yes!   Yes!

In the b/g springs continue SQUEAKING furiously.

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG (Walking across to Pick-Ass.)
Are you Jean-Luke Pick-Ass?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
That’s me, gorgeous.

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG
I was told to wait for you.    To provide you with whatever you like.   I am the Lord X’s personal slave…
(Half a beat.)
But for tonight I was told I am your slave.   You may do with me as you wish.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Does that include doing with you through whichever body hole I like?

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG
Ouch!
(Rubbing her behind with one hand.)
I mean yes, master, do with me as you will.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Okay bend over and touch your toes.

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG (Bending forward at the waist.)
Double ouch!

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Helen Llewellyn, Gorie LeMorgue, O’Pain and a handful of other crew on the bridge.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
All right, let’s beam down there and rescue them at once.

GORIE LeMORGUE
No can do.   This X character, or whatever his name is, sabotaged the teleport facilities as well as damaging our two space shuttles.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Then what can we do?

MILES O’PAIN
Well, as I see it, we have two options.   We can either spend the rest of this film trying to fix things.   Or we can bugger off and abandon them.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Who’s for buggering off and abandoning them?

Most of the crew members put their right hands up.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
No, no, we can’t, we must spend the rest of the film repairing the damage.   So we can rescue Captain Pick-Ass and the others in the closing teaser.

GORIE LeMORGUE (Shocked.)
In the closing teaser?   Jesus, this chick does believe in leaving things till the nick of time.

INT. CORRIDOR — DAY — CH’IANG-LEADER & MI-LING,
leading along Ball-Krusha and the other prisoners.

CH’IANG-LEADER
The first part of the secret to our longevity is just through here.

He walks across to open a wooden door.

INT. GRAIN SILO — DAY
Door opens & Ch’iang-Leader enters followed by Mi-Ling and the others, who look about, looking decidedly unimpressed.

Ch’iang-Leader walks over to pick up a handful of the grain.

CH’IANG-LEADER
This is a high-energy grain grown only on this planet.

WILL PIKER/WARPED/BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA/STASHA/
ELEANOR BOY-TOY/MANDY/FEMALE ENSIGN
Boooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiing!

BASE
On the contrary, this is most fascinating.   It seems to be a high-yield grain, four-lobed hybrid of wheat, rice and corn, and a perennial too.   In some ways it is similar to the nineteenth century Earth hybrid of wheat and….

WILL PIKER (Shouting into Base’s left ear.)
Boooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiing!   For God’s sake shut up, unless you have something interesting to say.
(Straight at camera.)
How was that?

INT. GRAIN SILO/FILM SET — DAY
Director and Producer both look puzzled.

DIRECTOR
Well…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t know.   It’s been done before.

PRODUCER
Yeah, you need to think up some new angle.

DIRECTOR
Something snappy, to really catch the audience’s attention.

WILL PIKER
Well…
(Considering a moment.)
How about if I smash a computer terminal over his head, just to get his attention, as I say it.

DIRECTOR (Snapping his fingers.)
That’s it.

PRODUCER
Brilliant!   Just brilliant!

INT. GRAIN SILO — DAY — AS BEFORE

WILL PIKER/WARPED/BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA/STASHA/
ELEANOR BOY-TOY/MANDY/FEMALE ENSIGN
Boooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiing!

BASE
On the contrary.   This is most fascinating.   It seems to be a high-yield grain, four-lobed hybrid of wheat, rice and corn, and a perennial too.   In some ways it is similar to the nineteenth century Earth hybrid of wheat and….

WILL PIKER (Shouting into Base’s left ear.)
Boooooooooor-riiiiiiiiiing!

Piker turns round to where there is a wooden table with a PC on it.

He picks up the PC and smashes it over the head of Base.

WILL PIKER
For God’s sake, Base, we’re having enough problems attracting ratings as it is.   Without you talking boring shit about wheat and rice.   So for Christ’s sake shut up unless you have something more interesting to say!

BASE
Well, I suppose I could always tell you about some of the bizarre sex practices conducted on Alpha-Beta-Five.

Piker and the others pick up chairs and form a circle around Base and sit down to listen.

BASE
Well, to start with the Alpha-Beta-Fiveians have this incredibly obscene ritual where they take a live goat and an absolutely gigantic cucumber….

INT. GRAIN SILO — DAY — A FEW MINUTES LATER

BASE
Without using anaesthetic.   And that is the story of the incredibly obscene goat-and-gigantic cucumber sex ritual performed on Alpha-Beta-Five.

Warped clutches a hand over his mouth, jumps up and runs out into the corridor.

VOMITING O/S, as Stasha faints and falls out of her chair.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
On second thought, Base, perhaps you’d better go back to talking boring shit about wheat and rice again.

BASE
Very well, the Alpha-Beta-Fiveians also have an incredibly obscene ritual involving live chickens, goats, wheat and rice.

INT. GRAIN SILO — DAY — A FEW MINUTES LATER

BASE
Without using anaesthetic.   And that is the story of the incredibly obscene chicken-goat-wheat-and-rice sex ritual performed on Alpha-Beta-Five.

Piker, Ball-Krusha, Mandy, ELEANOR BOY-TOY, Stasha, Female Ensign, Ch’iang-Leader, and Mi-Ling all clamp a hand over their mouths, run out into the corridor, and start VOMITING O/S.

BASE (Puzzled.)
Was it something I said?

INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
Ch’iang-Leader and others, now looking very green-faced as they start down the corridor.

CH’IANG-LEADER
I think you will find our lab very interesting, Doctor Ball-Krusha.

Ch’iang-Leader walks across to open another door.

INT. ULTRA-MODERN LABORATORY — LIT
The door opens and Ch’iang-Leader and the others enter.

Stasha, Warped, Piker and the others start looking round the lab, where half-a-dozen boys and girls who look about twelve to fifteen are moving about mixing up concoctions.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
You use children as chemists?

CH’IANG-LEADER
On the contrary.   These children are well over a hundred Earth years old.

WARPED
What is that in Klingto zoigle-time-units?

CH’IANG-LEADER
Seven-thousand, nine-hundred and eighty-three zoigle-time-units.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Oh my God!   You mean these children are more than seven-thousand, nine-hundred and eighty-three zoigle…
(Half a beat.)
Er, that is a hundred years old?

CH’IANG-LEADER (Pointing at one of the girls.)
SWAN-LI there is nearly three hundred years old.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Gee, she’s held her age well.

STASHA
Yeah, she doesn’t look a day over two hundred and fifty.

WILL PIKER/WARPED/BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA/BASE/
ELEANOR BOY-TOY/MANDY
Bitch!

Swan-Li walks up and leers at Warped.

SWAN-LI
Hello, handsome, how about it?

BASE
Looks like you’re in there, Warped.

WARPED
Forget it, I never get involved with older women.

STASHA
Older than what?   The dinosaurs?

FEMALE ENSIGN
Yeah, you’re notorious for pulling women rejected from the Titan freak circus for being too ugly.

WARPED
How dare you!   Seven-thousand, nine-hundred and eighty-three zoigle-time-units, old.   Hell she’s old enough to be my zeegle-gloogle-marter.

STASHA
Shut up already with that illiterate Klingto mumbo-jumbo.

MANDY (Shouting.)
Yeah, talk human, or shut up!

WILL PIKER
Frankly I wouldn’t mind climbing on top of that Swan-Li and bouncing up and down like a ping-pong ball.

BASE
But she’s old enough to be your great grandmother.

STASHA
Yeah, you deviate!

WILL PIKER
Deviate, nothing.   If my great grandmother looked that good I’d bounce up and down on top of her too.

The others all stare at Piker in shock.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Very well, I will leave you to look around.   Mi-Ling please take care of them.

Mi-Ling bows toward Ch’iang-Leader as he turns and walks outside.

INT. LUXURY QUARTERS, INSIDE CURTAINS ROUND BED —
DAY

Pick-Ass & 2nd Blonde Ch’iang lying naked in bed.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
What exactly is your relationship to Ch’iang-Leader?

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG
I am his mistress.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
His mistress?   But is that all you ever expect to be?

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG
I do not understand?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Well, surely the people on this planet must procreate?

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG
Oh yes, they’re at it all the time.   They never stop the horny beasts.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
No, no, I meant have babies.

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG (Shocked.)
That is illegal.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
No, I meant give birth to babies to continue your species.

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG
Oh, I see.   When the herd needs expanding mates are selected for the youngest females.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
But what of love?

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG (Puzzled.)
Love?   I do not understand this term?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
On my world we select our own mates.   Someone we care for.   On Earth men and women live together, help each other, bonk each others brains out for eight or nine hours a day.

INT. LUXURY QUARTERS — DAY — LATER
No one is in sight.

Both beds now have the curtains pulled and sounds of SPRINGS SQUEAKING FURIOUSLY.

1ST BLONDE CH’IANG O/S (Shouting.)
Oh yes!   Yes!   Yes!   Deeper my love!   Deeper!   Deeper!   Shove it in deeper!   I want every inch of your great big, beautiful cock inside me!   Oh yes!   Yes!   Yes!

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG O/S
Oh God, my haemorrhoids are killing me!

Door opens and Ch’iang-Leader enters and looks about at the tables covered in plates of exotic food.

In the b/g SPRINGS SQUEAKING FURIOUSLY behind the curtains.

Ch’iang-Leader glances down at his wristwatch.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Looks like the Lord X was right.   These Earthlings might not live as long as us.   But they spend twice as long at it!

INT. ULTRA-MODERN LABORATORY — LIT — BASE &
the others are still looking round the lab as Mi-Ling stands by the door holding them at stayzer point.

Piker, Warped, and Base are standing by a male Ch’iang watching him mix chemicals.

A few feet away stands ELEANOR BOY-TOY.

WILL PIKER (Whispering.)
Hey, you look like an intelligent guy.   How about helping us to escape?

MALE CH’IANG
No, no it is more than my life is worth.

BASE (Whispering.)
We’ll make it worth your while.

WARPED
Yes, Starkfleet Command would pay a fortune in zoogle-bleikle-snarks to get us free.

MALE CH’IANG
No, no, I don’t dare risk it.

WILL PIKER
They’ll help you depose Ch’iang-Leader and make you the new leader of this planet.

MALE CH’IANG (Considering a moment.)
No, no, it’s not worth the risk.   No, there is nothing you could offer me to make it worth the risk.

WILL PIKER (Pointing at ELEANOR BOY-TOY.)
What about Toy?

MALE CH’IANG
What about her?

WARPED
She’s a hot little piece of stuff, and we couldn’t help noticing you noticing her.

MALE CH’IANG
So?

WARPED
So suppose we throw in a few hours of sack-time with her as part of the deal.

MALE CH’IANG (Considering a moment.)
Weeeeell…?

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Hey!
(She walks across to them.)
Don’t try to involve me in any of your sleazy deals.

WARPED
She could be.   Trust us.

MALE CH’IANG
Weeeell, I don’t know.

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, CORRIDOR – LIT — GORIE LeMORGUE,
O’Pain and Helen Llewellyn walking along toward RHS of SHOT.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
How’re the repairs coming?

GORIE LeMORGUE
No luck with the teleporter yet.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Could we take the spaceship down to the planet and land it?

MILES O’PAIN
That depends on whether or not you know how to land a spaceship.   Both Gorie LeMorgue and I are mechanics, not pilots.

GORIE LeMORGUE
We’ve got it on auto-pilot, but unless you can land it, landing on the planet is out.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Then what can we do?

GORIE LeMORGUE
Don’t worry, while Miles has been working on the teleport system, I’ve been working on one of the space shuttles.   And I believe I’ve nearly got it ready for use.   It’ll be much easier to land than a starkship.

INT. LABORATORY — LIT — AS BEFORE
Piker, Warped, ELEANOR BOY-TOY, and Base are standing by Male Ch’iang watching him mix chemicals.

WILL PIKER
Come on, man, what’re you say?

BASE
All it takes is a little determination.   Someone once said, “Don’t try to be a great man.   Just try to be a man.”

WARPED
Who was it who said that?

BASE
I’m not certain.   But I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Germaine Greer.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Or Lorena Bobbit.

BASE (Glaring at her.)
Smart bitch!   Trust her to steal one of my few decent jokes in this whole damn picture!

Over by the doorway Mi-Ling notices Piker, Warped, ELEANOR BOY-TOY and Base talking to Male Ch’iang.

She watches them for a moment, looking puzzled, then she slowly starts walking across the room toward them.

MI-LING
Hey!   What are you five plotting about?

WILL PIKER/WARPED/ELEANOR BOY-TOY/BASE (Innocently.)
Plotting?   Who, us?

MI-LING (Angry.)
Now I know you’re plotting something.   That was the worst acting I’ve ever seen!   How dare you act that badly in this film!

Holding the stayzer up toward them, Mi-Ling starts walking faster.

WILL PIKER
Leave this to me, dudes and dudettes.   I’ve got a plan to get us all out of here.

WARPED
What?

WILL PIKER
I’ll just use the old Piker charm to seduce the hell out of her.

WARPED (Puzzled.)
“The old Piker charm”?   What is that?   Some kind of family heirloom?

BASE
A good luck charm perhaps?

WILL PIKER
No, dingles, I meant my natural ability to charm women out of their underwear.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Uh-oh he’s gonna get his face slapped again.

WILL PIKER
Shut up, I will not.   Once I use the old Piker charm on her, she’ll help us to escape…
(Half a beat.)
Like all women in the universe, she’s bound to find me irresistible.

WARPED (Frustrated sigh.)
Oh God, we’re all dead!

WILL PIKER
Relax, no woman alive can resist my manly charms.
(He swaggers across to Mi-Ling.)
Hello, gorgeous, how about a quickie on the floor in front of everyone?

Mi-Ling knees Piker who collapses to the floor clutching himself.

WILL PIKER (In high, squeaky voice.)
I’ll take that to mean “No”, shall I then?

Base walks across to Mi-Ling, who knees him also.

MI-LING
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   My knee, my knee!

She clutches her knee and starts hopping about.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Someone should have warned her that when androids say “iron-balls”, they’re not kidding.

MI-LING (Angry.)
You shall all die for this!

She aims the stayzer at them when Warped steps up toward her.

MI-LING (Staring at Warped.)
Hel…
(Half a beat.)
Lo there handsome.   How about a not-so-quickie?   Say a four-hour rough shag on the floor through whichever of my body holes you prefer.

WILL PIKER
Trust her to prefer that Klingto dork.

MANDY
It’s the rolled-up socks he keeps in his shorts to impress the chicks that does it.

MI-LING
But there’s no need to keep rolled-up socks down the front of your pants to impress me.

Mi-Ling reaches down the front of Warped trousers with one hand, then stares in shock.

MI-LING
Oh my God, it’s not rolled-up socks!

Stasha suddenly lashes out with one hand and karate chops Mi-Ling’s gun hand.

Mi-Ling screams and drops the stayzer-gun, which Ball-Krusha hurriedly picks up and hands to Stasha.

WARPED
Why did you do that, just when it was getting interesting?

STASHA
Shut up, you pervert!

INT. LUXURY QUARTERS — DAY
Ch’iang-Leader still looking impatiently at his watch.

After a moment the curtains pull aside from the beds and Charlie and Pick-Ass climb out, leaving the women lying on the beds naked, just visible through gaps in the curtains.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Ah, Ch’iang-Leader, what can we do for you?

CH’IANG-LEADER
Just seeing how you were getting on.

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG
He was getting on like a backgammon player.   Oooo I am so sore back there.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Silence, I don’t want to hear the details.

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG
So sore, oooo.

CH’IANG-LEADER (Waving hand toward the table.)
Would you gentlemen drink a toast with me.   It is our own special brew.   Smiekeljooz.

Ch’iang-Leader, Charlie and Pick-Ass walk across to the table.

Ch’iang-Leader picks up a carafe of bright green liquid and fills three goblets with the liquid.

The three men each pick up a goblet and clink them.

CH’IANG-LEADER
To your health, gentlemen.

They raise their goblets and take a long slug each.

Pick-Ass and Charlie look shocked.

They spit out the green liquid then start coughing and rubbing their mouths on their sleeves.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Well, gentlemen, what do you think?

CHARLIE
Oh my God!

Ch’iang-Leader stares at them both.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
He means…
(Considering a moment.)
Oh my God, that’s good.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Good, good, drink up them.
(Pointing at goblet.)
There’s plenty more.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS/CHARLIE (Hurriedly.)
No!   No!

Ch’iang-Leader stares at them again.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Er, well, um, that is, what I meant to say was.   On our planet we have a saying.   Too much of a good thing…
(Considering a moment.)
Is as good as a bird in the hand.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Very well, gentlemen, allow us to dine.

He waves across to the table.

1st Blonde Ch’iang and 2nd Blonde Ch’iang get up from their respective beds, put on gowns and walk across to sit at the tables beside the men.

INT. LABORATORY — LIT — AS BEFORE
Mi-Ling clutches her elbow, while Stasha points the stayzer at her.

MI-LING
You’ll never get out of here alive!

WILL PIKER
We will if we use you for a living shield.

MI-LING (Shocked.)
Oh damn, I should have kept my big mouth shut!

STASHA
Okay, let’s go.

Piker walks over to stand behind Mi-Ling.

He puts one hand around her waist, the other hand across her chest.

MI-LING
Hey, stop that!

WILL PIKER
I have to hold you to stop you running away.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
That’s his excuse whenever he grabs a chick by the tits.

BASE
Never mind, let’s go before Ch’iang-Leader comes back for us.

They start walking across toward the open door, Piker still holding Mi-Ling by the waist and chest.

EXT. SANDY SQUARE — DAY — CENTRE OF TOWN
Buildings are made of brick or stone and only one- or two-storeys high.

Stasha and co step out of a doorway, still leading Mi-Ling and stop to look around.

In one corner a dozen or so children are playing with toys, but there is no sign of adults.

STASHA
Okay, let’s see if we can find where our communicators are hidden.

MI-LING
You’ll never find where they’re hidden!

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
We will if we force you to lead us there.

MI-LING
Damn, I really must learn to keep my trap shut.

Stasha turns round and points the stayzer at Mi-Ling’s head.

STASHA
Okay, which way, bimbo?

MI-LING (Pointing to children playing.)
We have to go past them.

BASE
Okay, come on then.   They’re only kids.

They start walking toward the children, who leap up and stare at them.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Don’t be concerned, children, we want to be your friends.

One of the kids throws a plastic toy which hits ELEANOR BOY-TOY on the head.

She grunts and falls to the sand.

The other kids start throwing toys, sticks, and stones at Stasha and the others.

MI-LING
That’s right, kids, drive them away.

A stone hits Mi-Ling between the eyes and she faints, although she is held up still by Piker.

WILL PIKER
Quickly, Stasha, set the stayzer for total discombobulation.

Stasha starts adjusting the stayzer which makes a loud WHIRRING.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
No, Stasha, you can’t do that.   They’re only children.

WILL PIKER
All right, set the stayzer for semi-discombobulation.

Stasha adjusts the stayzer which makes a loud WHIRRING.

The setting slot on the stayzer now says “SEMI-DISCOMBOBULATION”.

Stasha fires the stayzer.

A bright yellow beam shoots out and hits the kids.

The kids all scream and collapse to the ground.

Stasha stops firing the stayzer.

WILL PIKER
Okay, now let’s go find Charlie and Old Baldy.

INT. LUXURY QUARTERS — DAY — CH’IANG-LEADER,
Pick-Ass, and the others just finishing dining.

ALARMS START SOUNDING then RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S.

The door bursts open and two Ch’iang guards race in and talk to Ch’iang-Leader in an unknown tongue.

CH’IANG-LEADER
So, Captain Pick-Ass!   I allow you the hospitality of my quarters and you repay me by stabbing me in the back!

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG O/S
He stabbed me in the back too.   Oh God, my haemorrhoids are killing me!

CH’IANG-LEADER
Shut up about your damn haemorrhoids.

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG
Well, I never had haemorrhoids before I met him.   Ooooo my haemorrhoids are so sore!

CH’IANG-LEADER
So, Captain you abuse my hospitality to distract me, while all the time your crew were escaping and taking Mi-Ling hostage.
(To Ch’iang guards.)
Take these two away and execute them.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Er, well, um, actually it wasn’t my idea.   It was Charlie’s idea to distract you while the crew were escaping and taking Mi-Ling hostage.   I tried to stop him, but I got distracted by that Asian tart.
(Pointing at 2nd Blonde Ch’iang.)

2ND BLONDE CH’IANG (Rubbing Her Behind With One Hand.)
Ooooo my haemorrhoids are killing me!

CHARLIE
Pick-Ass, you despicable coward!   Whatever happened to the days of the captain sacrificing himself for his fellow human beings?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Forget it, Charlie, that jazz about the captain going down with his ship only applies to sea ship captains.   Not starkship captains.

INT. CORRIDOR — DAY — APPROACHING A T-JUNCTION
Stasha, Piker and the others are creeping slowly down the corridor.

Piker still has hold of Mi-Ling by the waist and chest.

STASHA
I think we’re just about in the clear.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING then half-a-dozen heavily armed Ch’iang soldiers appear around the corner of the T-junction, facing them.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
You had to speak too soon, didn’t you.

FEMALE CH’IANG SOLDIER
Surrender or die!

MI-LING
You’d better do as she says, you dogs.   You don’t have a chance against their superior fire power.

WILL PIKER
We do if we use you for a living shield.

MI-LING
Jesus, I really must learn to put a sock in it.

STASHA
We’ll never surrender alive, you scum!

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Yeah, let’s fight them till we die.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Better dead, than imprisoned!

MANDY
Absolutely, fight to the death!

WILL PIKER
Death before dishonour.

WARPED (Shouting.)
Today looks like a good day for dying.

BASE
On the contrary, I believe Mi-Ling has a good point.   We are hopelessly overwhelmed and it would be pointless to continue fighting.

Base starts walking across toward Female Ch’iang Soldier.

WILL PIKER/WARPED/BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA/
STASHA/ELEANOR BOY-TOY/MANDY/FEMALE ENSIGN
What?

BASE
When overwhelmed by a superior opponent, change sides, that’s what I always say.

WILL PIKER
Base, you traitor.

BASE
Sticks and stones will break my bones….

WILL PIKER (Releasing Mi-Ling.)
Good idea.   Has anyone got any sticks or stones?

WILL PIKER (Shouting.)
Base you quisling…!
(Half a beat.)
You traitor…!
(Half a beat.)
You Benedict Arnold…!
(Half a beat.)
You underling…!
(Half a beat.)
You conspirators…!
(Half a beat.)
You turncoat…!
(Half a beat.)
You metallic eunuch!

Base ignores Piker and walks across to stand near Female Ch’iang Soldier.

Piker, Stasha, Ball-Krusha and Warped all look puzzled.

STASHA
I guess it’s right what they say about cold-blooded androids.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Yeah, it seems no insult will upset them.

WILL PIKER
Maybe one.
(Shouting.)
Base, you great nerd!
(Turning his back on Base.)
Looks like you were right about no insult….

Screaming with rage, Base races back and leaps upon Piker and starts beating him up.

With difficulty Ball-Krusha, Stasha and Warped pull Base away from Piker, who is bloody and unconscious.

WARPED
Jesus, androids!   You can call them any insult under the sun without riling them.   You can question their parentage.   Or their manhood for that matter.   But dare to call them a nerd and they try to rip your nuts off and make you eat them.

FEMALE CH’IANG SOLDIER
Let’s take them to Ch’iang-Leader.

CH’IANG SOLDIER (Pointing at Piker.)
What about him?   He’s unconscious.

FEMALE CH’IANG SOLDIER
Very well, take him back to the cells.   The rest can be taken to Ch’iang-Leader.

Male Ch’iang Soldier grabs Piker under the arms and starts dragging him down the corridor in one direction, while the others set off in the opposite direction.

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, HANGER — LIT
O’Pain & Gorie LeMorgue working on one of two space shuttles in the hanger bay, when the door WHOOSHES open and Helen Llewellyn enters.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
How’s it coming?

GORIE LeMORGUE
Just finished.   We’ll soon have the captain and the others rescued.

O’Pain is wearing a welder’s helmet and doing welding.   He finishes and pulls up the helmet.

MILES O’PAIN
There, all finished.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Are we all going down to the planet?

GORIE LeMORGUE
No, just you and me.   Miles is going to stay here to fix the teleport in case anything goes wrong with the shuttle so we can’t take off from the planet again.   Okay, let’s get aboard.

Gorie LeMorgue and Helen walk across toward the LHS of the shuttle and enter.

INT. INSIDE SPACE SHUTTLE, CONTROL AREA — LIT
Gorie LeMorgue and Helen enter and sit down.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Okay, buckle up and we’ll be there and back in a jiffy.

They buckle up their seat belts, then Gorie LeMorgue starts flicking a number of switches and pushing different coloured buttons on the flight consul.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Okay, here we go, as smooth as clockwork.

INT. HANGER — LIT

ROARING OF ENGINES as Gorie LeMorgue starts the shuttle, then a great EXPLOSION.

The top of the shuttle springs back and Gorie LeMorgue and Helen both shoot out of the top of the shuttle, still strapped to their seats.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

GORIE LeMORGUE (Shouting.)
Well, perhaps just a tad longer than a jiffy.

They crash back to earth, unconscious.

A door behind them WHOOSHES opens and O’Pain races back into the hanger and runs across to Gorie LeMorgue and Helen.

INT. CORRIDOR LEADING TO BARRED CELLS — DAY
Male Ch’iang Soldier walking along with Piker, who is now back on his feet, although still obviously a little groggy.

MALE CH’IANG SOLDIER
I think you’ll like your new cell.

WILL PIKER
New cell?

MALE CH’IANG SOLDIER
Yes, you’ve got it all to yourself.   But not for long.   We’re giving you some company.

Male Ch’iang Soldier opens the cell door and pushes Piker inside.

MALE CH’IANG SOLDIER
I think you’ll like them.   A lovely couple.

SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS O/S then what look like a pair of blond cave-people, YANG-MALE, and YANG-FEMALE are led round the corner by two more guards, and are thrust into the cell.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO:

ACT THREE :

FADE IN:
INT. IRON-BARRED CELL — DAY
Piker inside as Yang-Male, and Yang-Female are thrust into the cell with him.

Seeing Piker, Yang-Male, and Yang-Female SNARL in rage.

Door SLAMS shut, then KEY IN LOCK.

MALE CH’IANG SOLDIER
They’re a couple of Yangs.   You’ll see now why we regard them as barbarians.

RETREATING FOOTSTEPS O/S.

WILL PIKER (Holding out right hand.)
Hi there.

Yang-Male SNARLS IN RAGE, grabs Piker’s hand and tosses him across the room.

Yang-Female catches Piker and tosses him back to Yang-Male.

WILL PIKER
Something tells me they don’t want to be friends.

INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
Stasha & the others being led back to the cell, by Ch’iang-Leader and his Ch’iang army.

Hearing SNARLING they race across to the cell and see Piker being tossed around by Yang-Female and Yang-Male.

INT. CELL — DAY
Piker is being held aloft by Yang-Male who is shaking him from side-to-side.

Piker stabs a thumb into Yang-Male’s neck and tries to use the Vulcanean Grope-Grip on him without success.

WILL PIKER (Almost pleadingly.)
Oh come on, dammit, fall over.   It always works for Mr. Spak on Star Dregs.

INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
Stasha & the others still watching through bars.

STASHA (Shouting.)
Hey, stop that you heterosexually-challenged cave-person.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Perhaps you would like to go in and help him?

INT. IRON-BARRED CELL — DAY — YANG-MALE &
Yang-Female still tossing Piker back and forth as the cell door opens, then Stasha enters.

Seeing Stasha, Yang-Female SNARLS at her, raises her hands like claws and charges at her.

Stasha swings up her left fist and belts Yang-Female on the jaw.

She grunts and collapses to the straw lining the floor.

SNARLING LIKE A TIGER, Yang-Male releases Piker who falls to the straw.

Raising his hands like claws, Yang-Male races at Stasha.

Stasha steps aside and allows Yang-Male to charge past her, then swings up her left fist and belts Yang-Male on the side of the head.

He grunts and collapses to the straw.

INT. CORRIDOR – DAY — CH’IANG-LEADER
and others watching Stasha through the opened door.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Damn these Earth feminists!

INT. IRON-BARRED CELL — DAY
Warped enters the cell behind Stasha.

WARPED
Great punch, Stasha!

Stasha spins round and punches Warped in the face.

He grunts and goes flying backwards out of the cell.

STASHA
Whoops, sorry about that.

INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
SKITTLES as Warped crashes into Ball-Krusha, Charlie, Base, ELEANOR BOY-TOY and Mandy and knocks them all over.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Alexi, put the others into the next cell.

Alexi slams the cell door and they lead Warped and the others across to the next cell.

INT. 2ND CELL — DAY
the door opens and Warped and the others enter.

INT. 1ST CELL — DAY
Stasha races across to look at Piker.

After a second Piker starts to revive and looks up to see Stasha cradling his head in her arms.

WILL PIKER
Kiss me, Hardy…
(Half a beat.)
And use lots of tongue.

STASHA
Get lost, you creep.

She drops his head, which hits the floor with a BONK.

INT. CORRIDOR — DAY
Pick-Ass is the last to enter the 2nd cell.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Not you, Captain Pick-Ass.   You can come with us.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Where are you taking me?

CH’IANG-LEADER
You will find out.

Ch’iang-Leader takes Pick-Ass by the shoulder and they start walking down the corridor to RHS of SHOT.

INT. 2ND CELL — DAY — HOURS LATER
Warped and the others are looking worried.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
I wonder what those fiends have done to Captain Pick-Ass?

MANDY
Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be all right.

FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE then KEY IN LOCK and the door is opened.

Two Ch’iang guards enter, dragging Pick-Ass behind them.

BASE
Captain, are you okay.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Very weakly.)
Fine, Base, just fi….

The guards release Pick-Ass and he falls face down, unconscious.

Warped and the others stare at Pick-Ass in amazement.

WARPED
I think we can take that as a “No”!

ELEANOR BOY-TOY and Ball-Krusha race across to tend to Pick-Ass.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Oh my God, they’ve tortured him.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be okay.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY (Hysterically.)
But what if they torture us next?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Don’t worry, torture is more a state of mind than physical pain.   When I was doing my doctorate I studied on Vulcaneus for a couple of years and learnt many things.

WARPED
Yes, from what I hear Vulcanean junior high school texts go well beyond the Karma Sutra.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Er, well, um, yes, exactly.

INT. 1ST CELL — DAY
Piker and Stasha are now both looking about the cell.

Pick-Ass is looking through the bars from the second cell.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Stasha, see if you can dislodge the bars from that window.

He points to a small, barred window about eight foot off the ground in the cell wall.

STASHA
Aye, aye, Captain.
(She walks across to the window and looks up at it.)
Come and give me a hand, Will.

WILL PIKER
I’ll give you both hands, cutie.

He races across and grabs her by the ass.

Stasha spins round and belts Piker in the face.

Piker grunts and flies backwards, crashes into the opposite wall and collapses unconscious.

STASHA
Damn, I really must learn to control my reflexes.

She goes across to Piker to start trying to revive him.

INT. 1ST CELL — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
Stasha is standing in Piker’s cupped hands working on the last bar in the window.

STASHA
We’re nearly there, Captain.

INT. 1ST CELL/2ND CELL — DAY

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Mmmm, that Stasha really does have a fantastic ass.

STASHA
Shut up, creep!

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
That’s Captain Creep to you, Stasha!

STASHA
Sorry…
(Half a beat.)
Shut up, Captain Creep!

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
That’s more like it…
(Half a beat.)
In the event that you manage to get out of here, Stasha, try to get back to the Energize anyway you can.   Then execute general order twenty-four in two hours if you don’t hear from me before then.

STASHA
Aye, aye, Captain.

CHARLIE
What exactly is general order twenty-four?

BASE
Hold on, while I access my data banks, Charlie.
(Whirring from Base for a moment.)
General order twenty-four: have a four-hour lunch break with at least eight beers or four large whiskies.

CHARLIE (In disbelief.)
What?

WARPED
It’s been handed down through the civil service for centuries.

CHARLIE
Oh, I see.

Stasha finally removes the last bar from the window.

Stasha drops the bar, then grabs the window frame and starts to pull herself up.

STASHA
Well, give me a bunk-up, Will.

Piker reaches up and gives her ass a shove, making Stasha scream and sending her flying headfirst out through the window.

METALLIC CRASHING as she falls to ground outside cell.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY
Stasha lying unconscious, face-down on the bins.

INT. 1ST CELL/2ND CELL — DAY

WARPED
Boy, is she ever gonna kill him for that.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
As soon as she wakes up.

WILL PIKER
Don’t worry, Captain, we’ll get you out of there in two seconds flat.

Behind Piker stands Yang-Male holding up one of the metal bars.

Yang-Male hits Piker on the back of the head with the bar.

WILL PIKER
Well, maybe just a tad long….

Piker falls face down onto the ground.

Yang-Male and Yang-Female race across to the window.

Yang-Male cups his hands together and helps Yang-Female up to the window.

YANG-FEMALE
Well, give me a bunk-up for Christ’s sake.

Yang-Male reaches up and gives her ass a shove, making her scream and sending her flying headfirst out through the window.

METALLIC CRASHING as Yang-Female falls outside.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY — YANG-FEMALE
& STASHA both lying unconscious, face-down on the bins.

INT. 1ST CELL/2ND CELL — DAY

WARPED
Boy, is she ever gonna kill him for that.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
We’ve already done that joke.

WARPED
Sorry, Captain.

Yang-Male climbs out of the cell through the window.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY
Stasha & Yang-Female both lying unconscious, face-down on the bins, as Yang-Male climbs out.

Yang-Male walks across to where Yang-Female is lying face down across bins.

He starts to pick her up, then stares at Stasha’s ass, which is pointing up at him.

YANG-MALE
Fantastic ass.

He drops Yang-Female back onto the bins with a CRASH,
then picks up Stasha and throws her across his left shoulder.

Yang-Male looks about himself warily, then races away carrying Stasha.

INT. 2ND CELL — DAY

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
So how do we get out of here now?

He looks about his cell, but it doesn’t have a window like the other cell.

BASE
Maybe I can get us out.

He walks across to the bars to the next cell, grabs them with both hands and starts to rip them apart, grunting and groaning from the strain.

INT. 1ST CELL — DAY
Bars to next cell start to pull apart until there is a large gap to the cell.

Base steps through the gap, followed by Pick-Ass and the others.

Ball-Krusha and ELEANOR BOY-TOY go across to start reviving Piker.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Okay, let’s get out through that window.   Mr. Warped cup your hands to help Ball-Krusha and Toy out first.

WARPED
Aye, aye, Captain.

Warped leans over and cups his hands as ELEANOR BOY-TOY steps into his hands and reaches up toward the window.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
Well, give me a bunk-up, Warped.

Warped reaches up and gives her ass a shove, making her scream and sending her flying headfirst out through the window.

METALLIC CRASHING as ELEANOR BOY-TOY falls outside cell.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL – DAY — ELEANOR BOY-TOY
and Yang-Female both lying unconscious face-down on the bins.

INT. 1ST CELL — DAY

WARPED
All right, who’s next?

Mandy reluctantly goes across to the window.   She steps into Warped’s hands then reaches up toward the window.

MANDY
Well, give me a bunk-up for Christ’s sake.

Warped reaches up and gives her ass a shove, making her scream and sending her flying headfirst out through the window.

METALLIC CRASHING as Mandy falls outside the cell.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY
Yang-Female, Mandy, and ELEANOR BOY-TOY are all lying unconscious, face-down on the bins.

INT. 1ST CELL — DAY

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
For God’s sake, Warped, don’t shove them so hard.

WARPED
Sorry, Captain.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL – DAY — PICK-ASS,
and most of the others are standing around the bins as Warped comes out through the bars last of all.

Yang-Female, Mandy, and ELEANOR BOY-TOY are all still lying unconscious face-down across the rubbish bins.

WARPED
Well, give me a hand someone.

Base walks over and grabs Warped by a hand and pulls him out through the window.

Warped screams and goes flying and lands headfirst on the bins and knocks himself out.

BASE
So, what’s our plan of action now, Captain?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
(Pointing at Warped, Mandy, Yang-Female and ELEANOR BOY-TOY.)
Firstly we have to wake everyone up.   Then we can get out of here.

CHARLIE (Pointing at Yang-Female.)
What’s she doing here instead of Stasha?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
That male Yang must have left her and taken Stasha instead.

CHARLIE
But why?

WILL PIKER
Are you kidding?   Stasha has the most fantastic ass in the universe.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
That’s for sure.

EXT. RUBBISH BINS BEHIND CELL — DAY — LATER
Mandy, ELEANOR BOY-TOY, and Warped are all now sitting up shakily on the bins rubbing their heads.

Ball-Krusha and Pick-Ass are trying to revive Yang-Female.

Yang-Female finally revives.

Seeing Ball-Krusha and Pick-Ass, she leaps to her feet to race away, but is easily caught and held by Base.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Okay, now let’s get out of here.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S, then Ch’iang-Leader and a small army armed with spears and stayzers appear from around the side of the cell-block.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY (Pointing at army.)
Look!

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
What’ll we do now?

WILL PIKER
Well, we could always cry like babies.   And act so pathetic that they’ll be too disgusted to hurt us.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Angry.)
Don’t you have any balls at all, Piker?

WILL PIKER
Not when it comes to scary stuff or anything dangerous.

WARPED (Shouting.)
Today looks like a good day for dying.

Warped races forward and beats up three Ch’iang male warriors with his bare hands in only seconds.

Then a female warrior belts Warped in the face and he staggers back toward Pick-Ass and the others.

WILL PIKER
Warped, you great eunuch!   How could you be beaten by a woman?

WARPED
It’s not my fault commander.   When she raced toward me, her tits jiggled and I was distracted.

WILL PIKER
Well, fair enough, that could happen to anyone.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA/ELEANOR BOY-TOY/MANDY/FEMALE ENSIGN
Huh!   What was that!

YANG-FEMALE
Don’t stand there dithering, we have to get out of here.

WILL PIKER
She’s right.
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody.

Piker and Yang-Female turns and start running to RHS of SHOT.

After a few seconds Pick-Ass and the others start after them.

Ch’iang-Leader stares at them in shock for a moment, before starting running after them.

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, HANGER — LIT
Gorie LeMorgue, and Helen working on one of two space shuttles in the hanger.

WHOOSH AS DOOR behind them opens and O’Pain enters.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
How are you coming with the teleport, Miles?

MILES O’PAIN
I’ve managed to get short-range teleport working.   We can move from room to room within the Energize.   And at a pinch we could pick up someone passing by outside in a spaceship.   But there’s no way to beam anyone up from the planet yet.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Well, we’re just about finished here.   So we’ll be able to go down and rescue the captain and the others.

MILES O’PAIN (Doubtfully.)
Are you sure this time?

GORIE LeMORGUE
Have you ever known me to be wrong twice?

MILES O’PAIN
Frankly yes.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Well, I’m not this time.

Gorie LeMorgue puts down an instrument he is holding.

GORIE LeMORGUE
This time everything’s fixed for sure.

Gorie LeMorgue and Helen walk across toward the LHS of the shuttle and enter.

INT. INSIDE SPACE SHUTTLE, CONTROL AREA — LIT
Gorie LeMorgue and Helen enter and sit down.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Okay, buckle up and we’ll be there and back in a jiffy.

They buckle up their seat belts, then Gorie LeMorgue starts flicking a number of switches and pushing different coloured buttons on the flight consul.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Okay, here we go, as smooth as clockwork.

Helen covers her eyes, looking terrified as Gorie LeMorgue presses a few more switches.

HUMMING SMOOTHLY the shuttle lifts off the ground.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Oh my God, we’re really flying this time.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Of course.   I wouldn’t make a mistake that basic…
(Half a beat.)
Twice.

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, HANGER — LIT

ROARING OF ENGINES as Gorie LeMorgue starts the shuttle.

SHUTTLE lifts gently from the ground and glides smoothly out of the shuttle bay doors.

EXT. DEEP SPACE — DARKNESS
Shuttle glides out of the side of the ENERGIZE and starts toward the planet in front of them.

As they approach the start of the planet’s atmosphere the shuttle starts glowing yellow, then red, and smoke starts billowing off it.

INT. INSIDE SPACE SHUTTLE, CONTROL AREA — LIT
Gorie LeMorgue and Helen seated at the controls as the shuttle glows red.   Sweat is pouring down their foreheads.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Oh my God, why is it so hot in here?

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Did you remember to reattach the heat-shields to the outside of the shuttle?

GORIE LeMORGUE (Shocked.)
Uh-oh, I knew there was something I forgot.

INT. STARKSHIP ENERGIZE, HANGER — LIT

DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN and O’Pain enters.

MILES O’PAIN
They made it okay, thank God.

He walks slowly across the hanger, till coming to a stack of military shields, shiny silver with heraldic designs painted onto them.

MILES O’PAIN
Oh my God, Gorie LeMorgue forgot to reattach the heat-shields.   They’ll burn up on re-entry into the planet’s atmosphere!

He turns and races back to the door and runs outside.

EXT. DEEP SPACE — DARKNESS
Shuttle now on fire, glowing a bright reddish-orange.

INT. INSIDE SPACE SHUTTLE, CONTROL AREA — LIT
Gorie LeMorgue and Helen seated at the controls as smoke now starts to billow from the controls, making them cough.

GORIE LeMORGUE (Into intercom.)
Gorie LeMorgue to Miles.   Beam us back for Christ’s sake.   Do you copy?

INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT

DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN and O’Pain runs inside and races across to the teleport consul.
   (INTERCUT COM SEQUENCE.)

GORIE LeMORGUE
Do you copy, Miles?

MILES O’PAIN (Shocked.)
No way man, I’m an original.   I don’t follow the herd.
(Half a beat.)
I’m the Numero-Uno cool dude.
(Half a beat.)
The first cab off the rank.
(Half a beat.)
The trend setter.   Everyone else copies me.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Shut up dingleberry-breath.   He meant do you read me?

MILES O’PAIN
Like a dirty book, cutie, rowrrr rowrrr.
(Extremely embarrassed.)
Er, well, um, that is beaming you back now.

Teleport beams drop from the ceiling, then the images of Gorie LeMorgue and Helen start to shimmer and finally fade out altogether.

EXT. DEEP SPACE — DARKNESS

Shuttle EXPLODES.

INT. ENERGIZE, TELEPORT ROOM — LIT
Yellow beams shoot down from teleport rings, then the images of Gorie LeMorgue and Helen appear on the rings.

Their images shimmer for a few seconds, then solidify.

Gorie LeMorgue and Helen fall out of the teleport rings still coughing up smoke as O’Pain races across to help them.

GORIE LeMORGUE (Between coughs.)
Now that’s what I call in the nick.

EXT. SANDY TERRAIN — DAY
Piker, Pick-Ass, Yang-Female and the others racing across the terrain with the Ch’iang army not too far behind them.

Yang-Female is limping with one foot, struggling to keep up with Pick-Ass and the others.

BASE
As I surmised, captain, the Yang-Female cannot keep up with us over such a long distance.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
It might be kindest to kill her now.   Rather than let her be taken alive by the Ch’iangs.

WILL PIKER
Are you mad, Old Baldy!   Look at her for God’s sake!   She’s one major hornbag.

Yang-Female runs her tongue suggestively round the inside of her mouth while simulating masturbating a penis with her right hand.

WILL PIKER
Frankly I’d rather kill all of you lot.   I’ll carry her if need be.

Yang-Female SQUEALS in shock as he bends down to grab her behind the knees and toss her over his shoulder.

Behind them the Ch’iangs are rapidly catching up.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA (Between pants.)
Oh my God, what can we do, Jean-Luke.   We’ll never outrun them.

WARPED (Shouting.)
Today looks like a good day for dying.

WILL PIKER
Shut up, you Klingto loony.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
No, he could be right.   Maybe we’d be better of stopping and fighting.   After all, they say the best defence is offence.

WILL PIKER
You should know, Old Baldy.   You’re the most offensive person I’ve ever met.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Shut up!

Pick-Ass and co stop and await the approaching Ch’iang army.

Dozens of Ch’iangs surround them and point spears and stayzers at them.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Surrender or die, Captain Pick-Ass!   What is your answer?

WARPED (Shouting.)
Today looks like a good day for dying.

Warped leaps toward Ch’iang-Leader.

Ch’iang-Leader fires a stayzer at Warped.

WARPED
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!   It really was a good day for dying!

He falls flat on his face.

Pick-Ass and the others instantly put their hands up.

Including Yang-Female who is still lying across Piker’s shoulder.

CH’IANG-LEADER (Frustrated.)
Oh stop overacting, you ham.   It was set for stun only.

WARPED
Smart bastard, trust him to ruin my most dramatic scene in this whole damn film.

Base walks forward to help Warped back to his feet.

MI-LING (Waving with stayzer.)
Now march back to town, quickly.   This film is running overtime already!

Pick-Ass and the others turn and start back toward the town, still holding up their hands; Yang-Female still lying across Piker’s left shoulder.

EXT. SANDY SQUARE — DAY — CENTRE OF TOWN
Buildings are now devoid of any signs of life.

A dozen or more Ch’iang corpses with arrows in them, plus one or two Yang corpses, lie about the square as Ch’iang-Leader, Pick-Ass and the others walk into town.

WILL PIKER (Between pants.)
God that’s a long walk into town.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Looking back at Piker.)
It’s not so….

Pick-Ass stops when he sees Yang-Female is still lying across Piker’s left shoulder.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
No wonder it seemed a long way.   When you’re lugging her.

WILL PIKER
Well, I didn’t want to put her down.   In case one of you got to pork her before me.

YANG-FEMALE
Hey, how dare you!

MI-LING (Looking around at all the corpses.)
Hey, what the hell happened here?

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Plague by the looks of it.

CH’IANG-LEADER
Plague?   But they’ve got arrows in them.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
That’s the worst kind of plague.

Ch’iang-Leader, Pick-Ass and the others turn to stare at Ball-Krusha.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S, then a hundred or so Yangs carrying stayzers and bows and arrows race into the square and surround them all.

YANG-MALE
Surrender or die, Ch’iang swine!

Beside Yang-Male stands Stasha, now wearing Yang furs.

YANG-FEMALE (Pointing at Stasha.)
Hey, what is she doing with you?

YANG-MALE (Startled to see Yang-Female.)
Oh Gawd, it’s the wife!

Yang-Female climbs down from Piker’s shoulder and walks across to stand beside Yang-Male.

Stasha walks back to stand near Piker and Pick-Ass.

YANG-MALE
That way!

He points his spear toward a large, stone building.

CH’IANG-LEADER (Indignant.)
But that is the great hall!   No Yang scum may enter there!

YANG-MALE
Silence, thief!

He tosses his spear, which hits Ch’iang-Leader in the heart.

Ch’iang-Leader collapses to the ground with a grunt and Ball-Krusha rushes over to examine him.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
He’s dead.

WILL PIKER
I guess Lazarus won’t be rising any more.

STASHA
So tell me about it, you eunuch!

As Ball-Krusha stands again, they all turn to stare at Piker.

INT. LARGE HALL — DAY
Dozens of Yangs are standing facing toward a lectern at the front, as Yang-Male and the others enter from a doorway at the back of the hall.

Yang-Male and Yang-Female walk toward the lectern, while Pick-Ass and his crew, and the Ch’iangs remain in the audience area with Yang guards all around them.

YANG-MALE (Picking up a book from the lectern.)
I shall now read from the sacred book of knowledge.   Which was brought here five hundred years ago when our ancestors first founded this city.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Your ancestors founded this city?

There is a bright FLASH, then X appears beside Pick-Ass.

X
That’s right, their ancestors founded this city, not the Ch’iangs.   So by siding with the Ch’iangs you have fallen into my trap and helped the villains to win.   Thus proving the basically evil nature of the human species.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
But we didn’t side with the Ch’iangs.

X (Puzzled.)
You didn’t?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
No, we helped the Yangs to defeat the Ch’iangs

X
Damn!   Well, there goes my theory.

There is another FLASH, then X POPS out of existence.

YANG-MALE (Reading from book.)
Three score and six years ago, our five mothers….

WILL PIKER
Hey, isn’t that the American bill of human rights.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Either that or a fairly lousy facsimile of it.

In b/g Yang-Male continues murmuring.

BASE
In which case this entire society must be based on the Earth cold-war society of the 1950s, 60s and 70s.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Inspiration-struck.)
Yes, of course, “Yangs” is a derivative of Yanks.   In other words the Americans.

WILL PIKER
Also known as Yankee pig-dogs.

WARPED
What about “Ch’iangs”?

WILL PIKER
Obviously “Ch’iangs” comes from Chingos.

Pick-Ass and his crew, Ch’iangs, and Yangs all turn to stare at Piker.

STASHA
Boy are the Chinese ever gonna get you for that joke.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
So you’re saying that the Yang society on this planet is somehow based on the American cold-war society?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Yes, exactly.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
But that isn’t possible.   I think Mr. Rottenberries has gotten his scientific theories confused with mumbo-jumbo again.

Yang-Male stops reading and points at a Yang in the crowd.

YANG-MALE
That person was chewing gum while I was reading!   Heretic!   Unbeliever!

YANG-FEMALE (Shouting.)
Kill the heretic!

Three Yang guards race forward and grab the man and drag him toward the front of the room.

The first two guards hold the man by the arms, while the third guard spears him through the heart.

YANG-FEMALE (Pointing at woman in the crowd.)
That woman has green eyes!   She must be a witch!

YANG-MALE (Shouting.)
Burn the witch!

ALL YANGS (Shouting.)
Kill!   Burn the witch!

Half-a-dozen Yangs race forward and grab the woman and carry her outside.

EXT. OUTSIDE HALL — DAY
Yangs carrying woman exit the hall, followed by the other Yangs, Pick-Ass and his crew, and the Ch’iangs.

In the centre of the square is a wooden stake surrounded by kindling.

ALL YANGS (Shouting.)
Kill!   Burn the witch!

WOMAN
No!   Please, mercy!

They tie the woman to the stake and set it on fire.

The woman starts to scream as the fire approaches her.

YANG-MALE (Pointing at man in Yang crowd.)
That guy is wearing red!   He must be a communist!

YANG-FEMALE (Shouting.)
Burn the commie!

ALL YANGS (Shouting.)
Kill!   Burn the commie!

Half-a-dozen Yangs race forward, grab the man and carry him toward the burning stake, and throw him screaming into the fire.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA (Astonished.)
On second thoughts I stand corrected.   This place really is based on the American society.

WILL PIKER (Pointing at man and woman on fire.)
Yes, that’s definitely what I call truth and justice the American way.

Orangey teleport rays drop from the sky and images shimmer within them.

The images solidify into Helen Llewellyn, Miles O’Pain and Gorie LeMorgue, all carrying stayzers.

Four Yangs race toward Helen, Gorie LeMorgue, and O’Pain from
the crowd.

Helen holds up her stayzer-gun and fires it.

A yellow ray ROARS out, lifts 1ST YANG off the ground and tosses him backwards.

2ND YANG reaches for his own stayzer-gun.

Gorie LeMorgue fires at him with a stayzer-rifle.   The yellow beam lifts him and hurls him backwards.

O’Pain spins and fires at the 3RD YANG sending him flying backwards into the terrified crowd.

4TH YANG fires his stayzer-gun, just missing Gorie LeMorgue.

O’Pain spins and fires at the 4th Yang sending him flying backwards, knocking over a number of people in the crowd.

Helen aims at Yang-Male and fires.

The yellow beam ROARS out, sending Yang-Male flying backwards into the crowd, falling to the ground and taking a number of others to the ground with him.

YANG-FEMALE
For God’s sake, somebody stop those psychotic loonies!

Four more Yangs race toward Helen, Gorie LeMorgue, and O’Pain as Gorie LeMorgue shoots Yang-Female who flies backwards into the crowd.

Helen fires her stayzer again.

The yellow ray ROARS out, lifts 5TH YANG off the ground and tosses him backwards.

6TH YANG fires his stayzer, missing Helen.

Gorie LeMorgue fires his stayzer-rifle at him.   The yellow beam
lifts him and hurls him into the crowd.

O’Pain fires at the 7TH YANG sending him flying backwards.

8TH YANG reaches for his own stayzer.

Helen spins and fires at 8th Yang sending him flying.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS behind O’Pain.

He spins round as three more Yangs race across toward them.

MILES O’PAIN
Eat my dirt, you scum-sucking creeps!

O’Pain fires his stayzer again.

The yellow ray lifts 9TH YANG off the ground and tosses him back into the crowd.

10TH YANG fires his stayzer toward Helen.

Helen fires at him.

The yellow beam lifts him and hurls him backwards.

11TH YANG raises his stayzer.

Gorie LeMorgue spins and fires his stayzer-rifle at 11th Yang sending him flying backwards.

The rest of the Yangs and Ch’iangs start running about in terror, screaming and crashing into each other.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Shouting.)
Helen, Gorie LeMorgue, O’Pain?   What the hell do you think you’re doing!

Helen, Gorie LeMorgue, and O’Pain stop and look puzzled.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Rescuing you all, of course.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Rescuing us?   But we weren’t in any danger.   We’ve just helped the Yangs to wrest back rightful control of this planet from the Ch’iangs.

HELEN LLEWELLYN/GORIE LeMORGUE/MILES O’PAIN
Oh.   Sorry, our mistake.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Well, I suppose we’d better be beaming up to the ship.

BEVERLY BALL-KRUSHA
Yeah, before the surviving Yangs decide to kill us after all.

Mi-Ling walks across to Warped and puts her hands on his shoulders.

MI-LING
Take me with you, Mr. Warped.   I wish to see the rest of the universe with you.

WARPED
Okay, but you won’t get to see much of the universe, except the ceiling of my cabin.   Because you won’t be off your back for the next two years at least.

MI-LING
No matter, take me anyway.

WARPED
Anyway and every way.
(He grabs her ass, making her squeal.)
Through every major hole in your body.

FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS.

STOP FREEZE FRAME

STOP CLOSING CREDITS

INT. STARKSHIP, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Pick-Ass, Stasha, Base, Warped, et cetera sitting around flight deck.

Piker is missing.

PICK-ASS (Into intercom.)
Come in Number One.

INT. SHUTTLE, CABIN — LIT
Will Piker sitting at controls of shuttle, when Pick-Ass’s voice comes over intercom.
   (INTERCUT COM SEQUENCE.)

PIKER (Into intercom.)
Come in captain.

PICK-ASS (Into intercom.)
Report your status, Mr Piker?

PIKER (Into intercom.)
I’m a single, white, straight male.   But I haven’t been getting any for quite some time.

Stasha and Warped exchange an interested look.

WARPED
Another little titbit to add to our records of embarrassing admissions.

BASE starts typing into the computer.

STASHA
Subreference it under “B” for Blackmail.

BASE (Still typing.)
Aye, aye, commander

PICK-ASS (Into intercom/Angry.)
No, no, you dingleberry, I meant are you alive?   Dead?   Harmed?   Unharmed?   Or what?

PIKER (Into intercom.)
Oh, I see.   In that case, I’m dead, but I’ve come back as a zombie to haunt you all.

   (END INTERCUT COM SEQUENCE.)

INT. STARKSHIP, FLIGHT DECK — LIT
Pick-Ass, Stasha, Base, Warped, et cetera sitting around flight deck.

Piker is missing.

PICK-ASS (Straight at camera.)
Oy vay!   Everyone’s a commedian these days!

FREEZE FRAME again and restart CLOSING CREDITS.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE:

TAG:

FADE IN:
INT. TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
Warped seated on toilet, we see him from the chest up only.

WARPED (Shouting.)
Today looks like a good day for dying.

INT. NEXT TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
Piker seated on toilet, we see him from the chest up.

WILL PIKER
For God’s sake, Warped, shut up about it being a good day for dying.

INT. NEXT TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
Stasha seated on toilet, we see her from the chest up.

STASHA
Yeah, every time something goes wrong you say it looks like a good day for dying.

INT. NEXT TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
ELEANOR BOY-TOY seated on toilet, we see her from the chest up.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
When your mom forgot to pack your lunch last Thursday, you said it looks like a good day for dying.

INT. NEXT TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
O’Pain seated on toilet, we see him from the chest up.

MILES O’PAIN
When you found that gravy stain on your best uniform, you said it looks like a good day for dying.

INT. NEXT TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
Gorie LeMorgue seated on toilet, we see him from the chest up.

GORIE LeMORGUE
When Toy dumped you for that David Hassalhoff-look-alike, you said it looks like a good day for dying…
(Half a beat.)
Then tried to kill him.

INT. TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
Piker seated on toilet, we see him from the chest up.

WILL PIKER
Now for Christ’s sake, what’s wrong this time?

INT. NEXT TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
For the first time we see Warped is sitting on the toilet.

WARPED
I’ve just taken a massive crap, now I find this cubicle is out of dunny wrap.

INT. TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
Now showing that Piker is also sitting on the toilet.

WILL PIKER (Frustrated sigh.)
All right, already, so we’ll give you some damned dunny wrap…
(Half a beat.)
Just so long as you stop saying that it looks like a good day for dying.

Piker picks up a roll of toilet paper from the floor of his cubicle and tosses it over the cubicle wall to Warped.

WARPED O/S
Thanks.

INT. NEXT TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
Stasha, in the next cubicle RHS of SHOT, also picks up a roll of toilet paper from the floor of her cubicle and tosses it over the cubicle wall to Warped.

WARPED O/S
Thanks.

INT. NEXT TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
Toy, in the next cubicle RHS of SHOT, also picks up a roll of toilet paper from the floor of her cubicle and tosses it over the cubicle wall to Warped.

WARPED O/S
That’s enough, thanks.

INT. NEXT TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
O’Pain, in the next cubicle RHS of SHOT, also picks up a roll of toilet paper from the floor of his cubicle and tosses it over the cubicle wall to Warped.

INT. NEXT TOILET CUBICLE — LIT
Gorie LeMorgue, in the next cubicle RHS of SHOT, also picks up a roll of toilet paper from the floor of his cubicle and tosses it over the cubicle wall to Warped.

INT. TOILET, OUTSIDE CUBICLES — LIT
hundreds of toilet rolls start flying over the tops of the cubicles, into the last cubicle on the LHS of SHOT.

WARPED O/S (Shouting.)
Enough, already!

Door to the LHS cubicle starts to bulge as it is completely filled with toilet rolls.

WARPED O/S
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Door EXPLODES open and Warped flies out along with hundreds of rolls of toilet paper.

CLOTHING BEING ADJUSTED, then all the doors open and Piker, Stasha, O’Pain, ELEANOR BOY-TOY, Gorie LeMorgue, and Helen Llewellyn all step out.

WILL PIKER
Jesus, what an embarrassing way to go!

STASHA
Yeah, drowning in rolls of dunny wrap.

Door to the outside opens and Pick-Ass enters and stares in amazement at Warped, drowned in toilet rolls.

HELEN LLEWELLYN
Looks like he was right this time.   Today really was a good day for dying.

Pick-Ass and Piker race cross to kneel beside Warped.

Pick-Ass cradles Warped’s head in his arms and leans down to listen as Warped mutters something.

STASHA
What did he say, Captain?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS (Puzzled.)
I’m not sure.   It’s so hard to decipher that illiterate Klingto mumbo-jumbo.   But it sounded like…
(Half a beat.)
Monsters from the Id.

Pick-Ass drops Warped’s head, which hits the floor with a loud THUMP.

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
Stupid Klingto loony.

WILL PIKER
Sounds like he’s drunk again.   That damned Klingto joy-juice will get you every time.

Warped starts whispering again and Pick-Ass leans down to listen again.

ELEANOR BOY-TOY
What did he say this time, Captain?

CAPTAIN PICK-ASS
“Oh God, please don’t let them ever make another Star Trek series”…
(Half a beat.)
Then he died.

GORIE LeMORGUE
Yes, I guess the thought of another Star Trek series would be enough to kill most people.

They all turn to stare at Gorie LeMorgue in amazement.

FADE OUT:

END OF TAG:

END OF FILM:
© Copyright 2010
Philip Roberts