Citizens of Gt. Britain; these are worrying times. It is with much sadness that I must inform you that our stability has been threatened by a global recession, but the prompt action of the British government leading from the front has managed to save the world’s banking system from total meltdown.

Those responsible for this disaster are walking amongst you, but they will be hunted down and their recession-busting pensions will be reduced drastically by at least ten percent. Strong measures are called for and I will not hesitate to do what is right for Britain. My Ministers and I are working tirelessly on your behalf.

You can rest safe in the knowledge that this government is winning the fight against extremists. We now have in place a group of friendly Muslin Clerics who will ensure that Al-Qaeda will no longer be able to radicalise our young men from the hills of Afghanistan. Our heroic troops fighting in Helmand Province will make sure of that. Eventually, the Taliban will be forced to leave and if they cross the border into Pakistan, we will pursue them with military vigor and throw them out of there as well. 

There will be no safe haven on this earth for Osama bin-Laden. Why he developed such a voracious thirst for mass murder against the West is incomprehensible. I just cannot understand what’s driving this hatred. In years previous he was trained by the S.A.S (The best fighting force in the world) as a bloodthirsty Muajadeen. During this period he never once exhibited homicidal tendencies against us. Even the CIA cannot understand his transformation and they paid for his training.

I shall immediately introduce more extreme measures to guarantee your safety. In future all citizens must carry a biometric Identity card. This will make it impossible for terrorists to attack us. All e-mails will be recorded and read. So will all text messages. You must agree that these measures will defeat those who will do us harm. Spending the billions to do this is well worth the money.

Finally, the public should not become alarmed at the tittle-tattle of the media trying to sell newspaper by attacking honourable MPs. All the rules governing expenses have been agreed by MPs for MPs, so whatever MPs decide to do are within the rules. How much clearer do you want it? It is totally disgraceful for the Telegraph to suggest otherwise. I have a country to run and my citizens depend on me to govern them. With that in mind, I have recently uncovered the unpalatable fact that ordinary people are busy writing Poetry.