Something I wish to tell someone from the bottom of my heart… someone who might never hear about it… but someone who I wish she knew…

People say some weird things about first love…
That is lasts forever… and that it is sent from above…
A feeling that brings darkness into light…
Someone worthy who wakes you up in life… and helps you fight.
I was no different… I was once smitten by a girl…
Someone who was the reason I changed, the reason my soul unfurled.
She laughed and scorned at my blind devotion…
I wish she knew I was way in over my head… drowning in her ocean…
She was the ray of light I had been praying for all my life…
The one fictional incidence that pulled me through all the strife.
All this time… and I still don’t know how much I meant to her,
Was I someone special… or just as valued as a second hand coat of fur…

Like a puppy lost for love, I pledged myself to her grace…
I loved her for all of her… her quirks, her temper… the way she frowned her face…
I hope someday she realizes the only heart I had that died…
The day she said there was somebody else… and I said it was okay… but I screamed inside…
She was all I was living for… the man for her was all I had worked all that time to be…
I shed my weight… I learnt to dance… I flipped my life upside down… just so I wanted her smile when she saw me…
The world had stopped, time had expired as she said those words…
She said she was bored with me… that she had moved on… why didn’t I think it was absurd…
It came out of nowhere, just the previous day she said she needed me in her life…
And the next day, I stood in that telephone booth, my grave… in the rain, with a plunged knife.

How bloody naive was I, why wasn’t I in my senses then…?
She was the only one I never doubted, never judged… the only person in this world I felt, was 10 out of 10.
I treated her like a queen; I gave in more than I should…
I was so stupid then… even when she said there was someone else… I only asked her if the guy was nice and if he would treat her as I would…
She told me coolly… that I had to help her make it easier…
She told me to go out with someone else, to make her new relationship less guiltier…
I wish I could go back in time… and shoot myself in the head…
I was so stupid and blind… I still did what I thought was best for her instead:
i spoke to her the next few days as she wanted, like nothing had ever taken place…
Faking the smiles… when all I wanted to do was to cry my heart out; ask her why she did this to my face…
She told me she felt bad in guilt as I had nobody else as said,
She told me she thought it was best if I loved our mutual best friend instead…
And so I did… as always I did… I obeyed what she said…
I wish she knew that without her, I felt I was better left dead.

Months and a few years passed by in a blur of hidden tears and rage…
The one I loved grew to hate me… curse me… and kill me… all from the away eyes of her cage.
Then one day, when things were tough with her boyfriend of the time…
Her hatred spewed out in words and she pronounced my crime…
She then revealed that she lied to me… she thought I had loved another…
How could she just think she was right when I lived for no one other?
It’s been a year since then… and I still hide it inside…
The pain that she hates me with all her being aside.
I feel like a knife is in between my ribs… a knife of the hatred of the girl I wished for my wife…
I wish she knew that after all these years… I would still give her my life.

I guess she has moved on well… with some other boys down the years…
I wish she knew the pain the way she left me and the fact that I still live in fears…
I can’t love and I can’t smile no more… I lay here alone and in my corner, curled,
I wish she knew that I still respect her mother, for all that she is, more than anybody in the world…
It’s been about seven years since she left… and I guess I am no more than a disgusting memory now…
I wish she knew I still think about her all the time… with so many ‘whats’ and ‘whys’ and ‘how’…
I don’t really care if she hates me now… or thinks that I am a swine,
Or if she blames me for all that happened… the reading between the lines…

I hate myself for the man I am… I wish I could just let it all go away…
But even after all this, with her hate… I pray for her happiness, that’s always mattered to me everyday…
She looks more beautiful now than she ever did before…
I guess she moved on well and has reached ashore…
And I stay trapped in my past… rotten and in gloom,
looking like a mongrel gone astray… condemned to doom.
I just… I just wish I knew how she felt about me… if she ever did really love me at all…
I guess I never really got the closure I needed… to pick myself after the fall.
I guess she will never know this, but it doesn’t matter as long as she is okay…
For I realize now… that I am just as naive and devoted as I was… and I still do love her to this day.

                                                                                                                               – L.J.K

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