All hail the King of Spam.

He’s a clever, majestic fellow.

He’ll get you everything you could possibly need.

He’s sincere, honest, and mellow.

Do you need to have a vacation?

Is your sex life on the wane?

Would you like to grow new hair.?

Would you like to get rid of your pain?

The King of Spam can deliver.

His word is as good as gold.

He’ll take away your pain.

He’ll take away your cold.

Is your hernia starting to bother you?

Are you suffering from jock itch?

Do you have a weak stomach?

Are your eyes in a constant twitch?

Say no more about your troubles.

The King of Spam is here.

He’ll take away your suffering.

Am I making myself clear?

Is your toilet overflowing?

Is your roof in need of repair?

Do you have ants crawling in your house?

Do you need new underwear?

Let the King of Spam do his job.

He’ll give you valuable advice.

Just remember to thank the King of Spam.

Don’t send him a case of lice.