This made me laugh- I know people like this. They should read your poem.

Even in the john at work… Sorry… sounded sort of childish. It did not flow well but I am guessing this was just a draft… can not wait to see the finished product. Keep them coming.. oh..it made me laugh to.

To Karelee, I would say: I think that’s the point of the poem, to sound childish though the theme is rated PG-14. Or would that be right, Mr. Stick?

I also must say, Karelee, that this poem flows ten times better than most of the poetry here, so, I don’t know why you would say that it doesn’t.

I must agree with Setphanie, I know a few like this too, and think they should read this. I doubt it would benefit them; probably it would just make them a little more irate.

Anyway, as for me, I think, Mr. Stickinthemud, that the fourth part of your poem, the part about the grapes, might need a little more work to run smoother. Or you could just get rid of it because we already understand the point of the poem without it. You’ve given plenty of foreknowledge in that direction anyway. Have a good one.

Rubbish!

No form, no structure; poor phrasing, poor grammar.

Thank you all for responding. Yes, CJ, that would be right and thank you for your input.

Drew… Did you actually get to reading the poem, or do you know something that I don’t? It doesn’t look like you did or do.

I think I know a great deal you don’t.

If you want to see poetry well written; I suggest you check out Serenity Jones.

Just a friendly edit… hope you don’t mind.

On your line.. chocolate cake vanilla iceing had..
I’m pretty sure it was suppose to be..
chocolate cake had vanilla icing…

Just submit a quick fix… hope it doesn’t take as long as mine did.

To Karelee, no I don’t mind your suggestions at all. However, in keeping with the meter that I had already developed, I chose to word it that way to make the style both unique and seemingly inappropriate. If I rearranged the words into your order the meter would be shot, not to mention my particular style of wording here would be yours and not mine. Besides, the meaning of the wording did not escape you, though it may have been slightly cumbersome to you. Poems are supposed to have meter. Rearranging words to fit into a metrical pattern is necessary in order to produce a rhythm or steady flow. Misjudging the appropriate place for stressed syllables in a poem can cause more damage to the metrical pattern, hence destroying the chances for the poem to have a good flow, and can change it from a poem into a free form if the meter becomes too marred. Why should I sacrifice the metrical pattern to satisfy a word choice? In poems the opposite is the rule. It’s the word choice that should bend to the meter. I hope that clarifies my reasoning for the wording in the lines you mentioned. Thanks for your concern, but I think I will stick to the rules of the metrical pattern I chose.

Well, Drew, when you read this, do you think you can be open-minded about it? If so, then read on: I gave you the benefit of the doubt and I went looking for this famous poet that you consider to be so great. I went to google to see if I could find any information on this grand poet whom you say I should pay attention to, yet, I could not find any poet that goes by the name of Serenity Jones. There was a model, a central american girl, a few mentionings of the Serenity Prayer, and a large woman giving the camera a middle finger. Then I went to wikipedia. They tend to list famous and historical people. Yet there was nothing. I thought to myself “Who in the world is this Serenity Jones?” I gave google one more try and on a fifth page I saw the mention of a Serenity Jones … at triond! Pfah! No offense to some who work here, because there are a few with true talent, but, “Triond?” I thought. There are only a handful of good poets at triond, and I say that reluctantly, because most of those don’t know the difference between a poem and a free form. So, again,… I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and I came back to triond to see what this person was all about. Sorry, Drew, but, Serenity Jones may have some talent, but there are other poets who are better. If you want to focus on people here then, have you read any of Sarah Hume? She may not have a good grasp on meter, but her stuff is poetical. How about Darren Goad? He lacks the confidence to build his poetry high, but his stuff is still excellent. Or how about Adam Sears? Now there’s a man who knows how to weave a poem, and his free verse “Running Through The Fog” is one of the best I’ve read. Now, granted these guys are nowhere near as good as people like Mariane Moore or Alfred Purdy. So, don’t take this the wrong way,… but this time maybe you should do the checking out; Go to your local library and ask one of the clerks to show you where the poetry section is. Don’t be afraid of a little honest research. Go and find these poets: E. A. Poe, E. J. Pratt, E. E. Cummings. I say these ones because it looks like you have a fascination with the morbid side of life and these poets may help you to find a niche in that part of the poetic realm. Then when you’re done with those, read some Emily Dickinson and William Blake: these guys also understood that sadness is a part of life, but they can show you how to rise above it. Then, by the time you’ve had a smattering of all these, you’ll be granted the patience to deal with Keats, Tennyson, Hardy, Shakespeare, and the like.

I will grant you one more benefit of the doubt: I’m sure there are many things that you know that I don’t. However, when it comes to the world of poetry,… if you are going to recommend an amateur at triond over well-known poets of the past and present, then I seriously doubt that you know much about being poetic. And if you have the patience and courage to prove otherwise, then I will sit here and listen to what you know. So, why don’t you take that as a challenge? If you do have such knowledge, share it. It’s not a treasure to be safe-guarded like some dragon’s hoard. I’m not saying you have to prove anything to anyone, but you should be honest with yourself. Only when you are honest with yourself will you find that you need to seek more knowledge, because let’s face it: no one knows everything. By the way, thanks for reading.

yes, I too know people like this and I try to avoid them in case the attitude can be contagious, lol.

Hi Stick, how are you?
First off, I’d just like to thank you for the comments you left. They were very inspirational, and I hope I can live up to your image of me. Just know that I appreciate it.

I really like this poem, it certainly has good flow and meter, even though someone doesn’t agree. Yet, I think I have to agree with CJ on the grapes part, though I would probably just get rid of it. It doesn’t seem to fit. And of course, with Stephanie and JK, ’cause I have met people like this too. And JK is right,… negative attitudes do tend to spread.

Anyway, Stick-to-yer-guns, and keep on the right track! Thanks for sharing, and thanks again for the comments.

Hi Stick,

In my oppinion and mine alone, your poem does flow. You are an artist who is expressing feeling. Form, pharsing, grammer, does’t have to apply. You captured the childish behavior and made people think.

My sugestion is to nariate in the discription box. Don’t over do it. Go right into your poem. Don’t complicate things and try to learn to simplify for even better flow. Write to me if you need more. Over all, I do see a future poet here.

Nice work. There’s so many people walking through life with a chip on thier shoulder. I work with the public & I see everything you wrote on a daily basis.

this was really funny!

I truely like the way you lead up to you’re poetry with a paragraph prelude of what it is going to consist of. I really did like the poem, and I thought it did convey the point you were trying to get across by the “childish” actions of others. Well done friend.