Since you actually wish to become a professional author, I will actually give you some real critique. First of all, you say this is a poem, yet I see no elements of poetry within it. It looked more, as I thought it were before I read the “title”, like the beginning paragraph of a short story, novel or character sketch. It doesn’t need to rhyme or follow a strict poetic guideline, but it does need some form of structure or flow and I didn’t feel that. As I said, it seemed like a paragraph, not a poem.

That said, as a paragraph it could use a lot of work and isn’t anywhere near a presentable state. You end sentences arbitrarily and placed periods where a comma or a quick rearrangement of the following sentence would have sufficed. As it stands it is grammatically incorrect. And, from a writer’s point of view, you break some traditional rules such as reiterating yourself, over and over again. Yes, we understand your character is in pain and won’t quit. But you spent the entire paragraph telling us this information. In most cases, we’re going to skim over that because we already know. Again, this is critique if you were to turn that paragraph into a story or sorts and not a poem. If you want to make it a poem then create or follow a style that gives the piece an artistic feel. Otherwise, it’s just going to seem like an amateurish, high school-level “poem”

I’m sorry if my critique seems harsh to you, but as a writer myself I cringe at the thought of people who don’t develop any writing skill believing they can be professional authors. I do not doubt you can become one… but you need to gain the skills first. If I were a publisher or agent and saw this, I wouldn’t book you.

Good luck and I hope you prove me wrong. Write and publish works of art, not works of mediocrity.

My friend, I thank you for your honesty and greaty appreciate your input.  I wrote this the same way I wrote my others which I haven’t posted yet. I wrote down the feelings and words that came to my mind. Granted it may not be “Professional” but i feel it is a good attempt for my first piece.  I have not had any kind of training and I am sure there are lots that could have been changed to make it better. But being as I have no instruction in the “proper” ways I did try.  Now If your willing to drop me a message with some more pointers I’d love to learn more and make my writings better.

Also I want to hear other people’s opinions.  I want people to see the feeling and be able to relate to it as well.  I’m happy to try and learn and my writing better as well.  :). 

Make my writing better. I apologist I am responding on my iPhone.

Make my writing better. I apologise I am responding on my iPhone.

I liked it…screw that other guy, but learn from it.

Thank you. And yes I am trying to.