Day 29 — the person that you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to

To: The person that I want to tell everything to, but am too afraid to

Subject: You can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice

Hi.

Let me just start out by saying that it has never been easy for me to confide in anyone, nor to really divulge my sentiments and thoughts. However, I find that it has been getting easier and easier to pour my heart out to you.

I really wish I could continue this process and further strengthen our friendship, but the truth is I am a coward left right and centre. I can’t really bear to have another failed shot at friendship. Very often, we don’t realize this but a broken friendship is just as bad as a screwed up relationship. Both break your hearts twice as hard, make you ten times as airtight as before.

You try everything in your might, to steel yourself for the next attack.

And what is more, I hate initiating. I don’t mind starting a conversation with the intent of sharing a joke or trying out a witty new comeback/remark, but I find that when things start to get more personal, I ultimately fail at reciprocating. I can’t share my feelings as spot on as I would like to without the hemming and hawing. I can’t tell you point blank how much I really cherish/enjoy/relish the times I’ve actually managed to share some stories of myself, without feeling foolish or awkward.

Yes I can write to you now but the fact is you won’t realize it. You won’t know. You won’t know how much it takes me to just say things that I mean. Especially overused, underrated lines like I’m always here for you.

I really wouldn’t mind getting marooned on an island with you. I wish I could weave my blanket of stories piece by piece to you. Sometimes, the burden of keeping so many things to myself, feeling too much at once, it really gets to me. The first person I have come to think of is you. I catch myself thinking, hmm I wonder what XXX would think of this? or, I really really really need XXX’s advice right now.

I really wish I were brave enough to tell you that I have found the perfect listening ear in you, but everytime I try…. I stop myself. I start to panic. I start to worry. Worry about my image. Worry about how I come across to you. Panic that at any second you might suddenly turn your back against me, spit on me and call me a pathetic loser. I really wish I could just stand in front of you and cry. I really wish I could tell you how many times I have been let down. Miracles I’ve seen. Places I’ve been to and… maybe I’ve never really left them too. They’re still in my dreams; yes, my dreams too. The jumble of wonderful/terrifying/pulse-racing visions I experience from time to time. My insecurities. My strengths. My weaknesses. My pride, joy, shame, woe. Lust. Passion. The time I’ve spent on this earth collating all these precious gifts – I would like to bestow them upon you. Your shot at knighthood.

I have never lost my faith in the good of humankind. Why? The reason is you.

I just want you to understand how frightened I am to lose you, and that everytime I bump into an obstacle, celebrate a victory or conquer a mountain – I think of what you might say to me. How it would feel to have you pat me on the back. Why I hold back. When I might drop the act.

p.s. pls reply if you think this is you (and I am going to end off all my letters to these anonymous subjects in this manner, starting from this one.)

Yours,

Me