Death to the person I’ve became!
I want to no longer live. That is the truth of how I feel about me and my non-necessary existence.
Every morning I begin with waking to the same for walls. With a genuine smile on my soul for being able to have each breath in this beautiful world. One more day to find reasons to love and enjoy living. To embark on romance, friendship, and love. To reach for the very thing you hold dear. To have a family, together, working towards everyone being happy in life and in self respect. To be grateful for the roof over my head, my love by my side, and a chance to make this day better than the last. After the grogginess has worn off reality sets in. You then see the obstacles ahead of you for the day. Never letting the day before effect who you are. Forgetting it all and moving on. You go through the day tackling one thing at a time. Then a curve ball so to speak is thrown at you. You try to deal! But your slowly reminded of the familiarity of it. How today is no more than a repeat of your past failed attempts. Then you start to feel validation of your incompetence. That despite your lack of trying or eminence effort that you’ve fallen into the category of the “Good for NOTHING”! You try to fight it off, keeping in good spirits. One day you will prove that you’ve been misjudged! Your better than they thought. But that day hasn’t came and is feared that it never will. I’ve been told to let it roll off my back. Not to let things get to me. They don’t understand that I do. What I can’t let roll off my back is how the ones I love the most “really feel about me”! Knowing the way I make them feel is to much to bare! Knowing how I’ve let them down, hurt their feelings, been a bother, or have them for one second regret loving and knowing me. I keep it inside of me. The next morning I try start fresh. But as I said, life throws me those curves. I have repeated to many days of hating myself for those reasons. I have tried all my life to be a good girl, loving person, understanding, the same thing I am not to my loves eyes. For this I try to limit my involvement in their lives. I am “NO GOOD” to anyone. Nor have they benefited from having me in their lives. For most days I can get bye with no feeling of self worthlessness. But then, I go and do something “Stupid” or that I’ve done “NOTHING” the whole time they’ve known me! And these are the words spoken to me. How could I not hate myself for letting my family down! In anyway! Then the depression sets in. Knowing The truth and facing it. That the category you’ve fought to not be placed in was the right one after all. That if the ones you love the most is telling you that your truly this kind of person, and knew it all along. It’s hard to hear and harder to except! But I keep excepting it. I’m tired of being reminded daily of how I am such a piece of crapola. I get it! I’m stupid, worthless, and good for nothing. I wish I could snap my fingers and either be someone else or never born. This is how I feel though deep inside. I wonder if it matters to anyone that I feel this way? If they care, truly! The way I do for them!I’m even told for me not to hold their opinions and feelings against them. I don’t! I can’t help the way I feel. They are my emotions. Same with them. That is how they feel and I except that. It just hurts! It hurts to know that i had contributed to their misery in life. That me being with them is too much for them at times. That I contributed to them not wanting to know me. And with all this I believe that in surmount of my life, I have been nothing more than an annoying disturbance! For that I feel justified in saying that I wish the person I have became was dead! For the person I want to be, it doesn’t look good!