Delusional..? arn’t we all : )
Know the feeling…

Thanks
Marie

Hi, Solange.

Remember when I said I would explain what I meant about being too direct? Well, here’s what I mean: you do a good job in letting us know what happened, but in giving us the story, you’ve allowed yourself to sound like a narrator. Instead of showing us the story, you tell us what happened and have your own commentary on it at the end. You have separated from the story and seem to have adopted a “Life’s commentary” attitude towards it. This might be alright if you were writing a documentary or an interview article, but in poetry form, you should show us the story itself.

One mistake that many writers make is to think they need to tell the audience what the characters are feeling. If you show us the story with its own inherent emotional values, that isn’t necessary. Especially when it comes to love. Everyone knows or has an idea what love is or should be like.

Show us the scene. Give us an example of what they just said that has estranged them. Mine out the situation and the surroundings, find the best words to describe the individuals and their mannerisms. If you feel the need to comment on the scene, try to do it by giving words or actions to the characters involved. Tell us what you want to tell us through them. For instance, if they are sitting on the same bench, but facing away from each other, and they both seem to be waiting for the other to make a move, one of them might look at a watch, or sigh audibly, or give the other a nasty look. Then maybe, having waited long enough, the female gets up and says “Bye!” and walks away without looking back, well,.. then we know what happened and why.

So, while commenting on scenes does help a poet solidify the theme, the scene itself should be present.

So, that’s what I mean,… roughly. Thanks for sharing your poetry with us, and have a good one.

The last commenter gave some good advice, personally I think that the poem has survived the criticism. It made me remember my own experiences with loves battles and retreats, and that’s what poetry is supposed to do, make you feel. Good advice though.