I met one day a most pompous fool who introduced himself as doctor

Not that that would necessary be bad or crass or just uncalled for

But in the informal context, we should have been on first name basis

A basis on which people are just people and their profession not important

At least not in introduction, as a thing you’d say first to start a conversation

Now I’ve heard of those who’s first name might actually be misleading

Like Major Major in the novel,  perhaps this guy’s real name was doctor

But that was not in the nature of his voice, for there was pride in it

No, not exactly pride, more of arrogance, of taking first the highest ground

Establishing, so to speak, the pecking order right up front

The first words from his mouth proclaimed his great success

His practice was so large he could accept no more, and no pro bono work

And for even those who paid for help, he could give no more than minutes 

An underling was hired to do the lesser things

His success, he was quick to add, was amazing nonetheless

He told me that hard work and dedication had made him very wealthy

That he drove only luxury cars. and had two sports cars just for fun

Memberships in the most exclusive clubs, of course, for when he had time

Restaurants too, no reservations required, he knew all the maitres d’

Not just here but in the world’s capitals to which his private jet could fly

I could only smile as he went on and on, for this was not a conversation

In fact I could say but little in between his testimonials to himself

And the more and more he talked, the more intimate he became

First were his racial jokes, then the risque, finally those in just bad taste

Jokes he said he’d shared with all the rich and famous of the world

The stock deals too, based on confidential tips, all exceeded expectations

And investments in real estate, and fine art, and in the finest wines

A golden boy he was, even a boy genius some might say

He’d even found accountants who could hide his wealth from taxes

And an investment guru who could guarantee success

Then came the saga of his wife, she’d worked to pay his schooling

And given him three kids, but kids and wives, they only tie you down

And now the wife was not so good in bed and wouldn’t do a this or that

But still demanded full half of all his wealth in proceedings for divorce

No problem, young women, as you knew, are hungry for successful men

But I just smiled till he was finished, then said we had a thing in common

My first name too is doctor, a physician just like you, but now retired

The title means nothing now and meant little more when I still  practiced

Wealth was never a goal of mine, the patients always came first for me

And, furthermore, I’ve been faithful to my wife, my first, and I love her still

He moved away at that, saying that he should pass himself around

He’s been remiss in duties to his host to set a higher tone

But here, please take my card, in case you need my help some day

Or you can find my picture and my number on billboards around the town

I’m in the phone book too, two full pages with a picture and toll-free number

Now my wife had seen this all and began to laugh out loud

I suppose he didn’t mention that he’d introduced himself to me as well

And that I had cut him off and called his bluff

Oh doctor, I said right off, I’ve seen your picture in the news

You and Bernie Madoff, shaking hands, as he was about to go to court