I feel sensitive again,
relaxed…
in control.
Finally.
And truly
I haven’t gained much control at all.
I think it’s just that I have a new perspective.
It’s resting across my brain
like a warm blanket
when it’s cold, very calming.
And I still don’t know
where I’m going,
what I’m doing
or even
how I’m going to do it.
But
I feel relaxed. And
It might be the meds,
or because my mind is tired. But
either way I’m relaxed. Thank you
Lord. Tomorrow could be a good day…
and I haven’t been able to say that
for a long time.

* * *

But I still have these obsessive thoughts.
I still hate this body…
when I shouldn’t. No, I shouldn’t.
So, please help me Lord
to find the beauty within myself,
the self-love I have lost…
the grief I threw away.

Cause you see-
I found it the other night.
Yes, I know you’re wondering-
my grief.
I remembered the pain,
I brought it out of the cellars
and it shot like laser beams
within myself
so that I could feel…the pain.
It ripped at my pleasures,
it drove around my weariness
and I cried.