Everyday my eyes grow dim and in light’s absence my parameters will be devoured leaving me to be where I please and who I please. I would choose to be at the Lord’s side if He would have me, even though I chose like many to be captive in my own prison. Often I find liberation in choking clarity of vision from my life and delighting in those choices at the expense of being dumb and in sinful bliss. From my core to my extremities I feel the shame from actively creating the past of a person I hate and pity only to be stuck as that person’s present manifestation. Yes, he be I, the split-minded fool who WILL suffer for my choices. Yes we will bleed in spirit and smile outwardly as other fools do.

Friends, won’t you share this fate with me as I would with you? Or will you save me? If I loved you I would have you not, but I was born surnamed misery. I cannot stand to be alone. Help me lighten my load if you have the will to shoulder my burden as well as you own-is this not fair? If she should succumb together I won’t feel so bad, but now I know that the darkness that drew the dimness and did swallow my boundaries has become them and they are closer than ever.

All it really means is people choose to live in the dark believing that it makes them free because they cannot see the prison they live in. The prison are the sins we give ourselves over to. The ones we premeditate, carry out, and are disappointed in ourselves over later. You feel like an adult because you’re doing whatever you want to do regardless of the people you hurt around you. Those same people you hurt are only able to be hurt by you because they love you. Why would you hurt the ones you would need later on and expect them to be there for you? Dumb, right? Right. You build up a reputation of being a liar, cheater, whore, stupid, or whatever through your actions. The whole time you do not want the stigma of being these things so you deny that you are and feel sorry for yourself, “OOh everyone is picking on me! Why don’t they pick on her or him they do stuff too!” Maybe its because you’re OBVIOUSLY the shit they say you are cause everyone sees what you’re doing. Or maybe you think you’re not that person because you’ve justified the things you do in your head. That’s called lying to yourself. If you do the things you do because you like to do them then claim those things outwardly, but don’t be a hippocrate. Why lie to yourself too? You will have to suffer sooner or later for the shit you’ve done however so you might as well be a good dummy or whore or thief or whatever right?

Do you even know who you are?
Do you know who you want to be?
Do you know that you’re the source of your own problems?
Are you still lying to yourself while you answer these questions?

This is the part that kills me, you’re dragging people into your dumb, dark world of self pity-passively bringing all of that bad energy and experiences into someone else’s life. You saw these people, figured they could handle your baggage, and then ask them to help you out of your problems. They have their OWN fucking problems and you’re being a baby and selfishly pulling them down too, the WHOLE time telling yourself that you’re the victim. Hahaha-WOW…tell another joke. If that person ends up shitting their life away too, you’ll just cry for a few days because the shred of decency you have has to be public “oh I just messed up again, I didn’t mean it. I’m going to change.” Spare me, you knew what you were doing and were going to do the whole time. Now you have even more company-just what misery loves. How many people’s lives will you screw up before you choose to be a decent person and be an adult not the copy of what you see on the Real World or college? Don’t miss out on blessings because of foolishness.

You know how to be a good person. Suck it up change for yourself, and if not for yourself for the ones that continuously pray for you and are hurt by you. They deserve it. The better you do the better things will get for you. It’s hard. It’s so hard, but it can happen like the McDonalds commercials said.

Thanks,

that was for me and a very good friend of mine