We often criticize people. If we are not careful, our criticisms may drag people down and hurt them unduly. But not all criticisms are bad. If we can criticize constructively, it may help the other person improve.

Let’s see how we can do these:

• Focus on the behavior and not on the person
a. “Don’t be such a glutton! You’ve already eaten four slices of cakes!”
b. “It is better not to overeat. Eating four slices of cake is not good for your body.”

           Do you see the difference between criticisms A and B? The focus in A is on the person calling him a glutton. B, the focus is on the behavior – overeating. The person criticized will probably feel bad after hearing A, but he knows that B is an expression of concern for his/her health rather than judgment on his/her person. It will be easier for him/her to accept criticism B. This brings us to another principle in criticizing.

• Examine your motive for criticizing
            Do you criticize because you are irritated with, or feel superior to, or want the other person to improve? In “A” above, the criticism is probably due to irritation with the person. Perhaps he has eaten your share of the cake, so you call him a glutton! But “B” is the right thing to say if you want him/her to see what’s wrong with his/her behavior and how he/she can improve.
            Another wrong motivation is criticizing out of a sense of superiority. We put people down in trying to make ourselves look good. When we do this, we are letting pride rear its ugly head.
Furthermore, if we don’t speak the truth for fear of losing our friend, we are thinking more of ourselves than of this friend. If we truly care for him/her constructively so that the relationship will not be harmed in the long run.

• It is not just what you say, but also how we say it that matters
              If we say with harsh tones and a condemning attitude, whatever we say will probably bounce back to us. We may have the best of intentions and what we say may be perfectly right. But if what we say is resented because of how it is said, then we fall short of our objective. However, if we speak gentle words in a spirit of concern, our criticism is more likely to get through. The other person will feel that we care, and in his/her heart will be more receptive. It’s difficult to accept criticisms, but we can lessen the pain by saying them in love.

• Earn our right to criticize
              First, we should be a true friend at all times. When we do criticize, our friend will listen to us, because he/she knows that we really care for him/her, otherwise, he/she will just take our criticism as fault finding. Unless we praise him/her when he/she does well, we have no right to criticize when one does something wrong.
             Second, we should correct ourselves first before we attempt to straighten our other people’s wrong, must also listen to our friend’s criticism to us. But unless we correct ourselves and take heed to their criticisms on us, they will get back to us and say, “How about you?” or “Look who’s talking….”

• Go directly to the person involved, not other people
              This way you give the person a chance to explain his/her side. If he/she has done something wrong, he/she will have the opportunity to correct it.
               Backbiting or criticizing somebody behind the back is unfair. Listen to his/her side of the story. There may be times when you feel you can’t confront a person directly, for he/she may not be approachable or you don’t know him/her well. You may course the criticism confidentially through a third person who knows him/her well, and to whom he/she will listen to. In this way, the matter will be still confidential.

• Give criticism privately
               Imagine yourself as the one criticized. How would you feel if you are being roasted in public? He/She might feel angry, embarrassed and defensive, and reject your criticism. Not only will your criticism fail to achieve its purpose, you might end up with a marred relationship also. Remember, criticize a person only when both of you are finally alone.

• Suggest a plan to correct the problem
             It is so easy to see what is wrong, but to know how to resolve it is another matter. What is the use of pointing out defects in, unless we can suggest solutions to the problem? Often, the defects are obvious. To talk on them without offering ways to solve them only adds to frustrated feeling all around.

• Precede and end criticisms with words of appreciation
             Human nature tends to notice the imperfections of a person and ignore his good points. We tend and are prone to disregard the positive and accentuate the negative. This makes them shut their mind off to even constructive criticisms. But a person will feel that he/she is a worthy being when we show appreciation for his/her strong points. This boosts his/her self-esteem and makes him/her more likely to respond to our criticisms. Sincerely say something good about the person, mention what you feel he/she should develop and correct. This way, that person will come out feeling good about him/her self and at the same time has something to think about in terms of self improvement.

               Next time we criticize, let us be careful of what we say, why we say it, how we say it, to whom it is said, and in what context it is said.