We often criticize people. If we are not careful, our criticisms may drag people down and hurt them unduly. But not all criticisms are bad. If we can criticize constructively, it may help the other person improve.

Let’s see how we can do these:

• Focus on the behavior and not on the person
a. “Don’t be such a glutton! You’ve already eaten four slices of cakes!”
b. “It is better not to overeat. Eating four slices of cake is not good for your body.”

           Do you see the difference between criticisms A and B? The focus in A is on the person calling him a glutton. B, the focus is on the behavior – overeating. The person criticized will probably feel bad after hearing A, but he knows that B is an expression of concern for his/her health rather than judgment on his/her person. It will be easier for him/her to accept criticism B. This brings us to another principle in criticizing.

• Examine your motive for criticizing
            Do you criticize because you are irritated with, or feel superior to, or want the other person to improve? In “A” above, the criticism is probably due to irritation with the person. Perhaps he has eaten your share of the cake, so you call him a glutton! But “B” is the right thing to say if you want him/her to see what’s wrong with his/her behavior and how he/she can improve.
            Another wrong motivation is criticizing out of a sense of superiority. We put people down in trying to make ourselves look good. When we do this, we are letting pride rear its ugly head.
Furthermore, if we don’t speak the truth for fear of losing our friend, we are thinking more of ourselves than of this friend. If we truly care for him/her constructively so that the relationship will not be harmed in the long run.

• It is not just what you say, but also how we say it that matters
              If we say with harsh tones and a condemning attitude, whatever we say will probably bounce back to us. We may have the best of intentions and what we say may be perfectly right. But if what we say is resented because of how it is said, then we fall short of our objective. However, if we speak gentle words in a spirit of concern, our criticism is more likely to get through. The other person will feel that we care, and in his/her heart will be more receptive. It’s difficult to accept criticisms, but we can lessen the pain by saying them in love.