If you can cycle, followed by a driver,
And still insist you’re really very green;
Say a lot on welfare sponging skivers
But bankers seldom come in for your spleen
If you can fly the flag for law’n’order
And keep at bay those questions on cocaine
If you’re so loathed beyond the Scottish border
You know you’ll send Great Britain down the drain,
If you can dare suggest you’re our Obama
But bash ‘big government’ like Bush and Reagan,
If you have plundered Disney’s High School drama
For your ‘We’re all in this together’ slogan:
If you can emote on cue to conference
Make party capital from family grief
If your minions alter works of reference
Just to try and win some petty beef.
If you can walk with Howard, Major, Thatcher,
Without acquiring something of the night
If you can chum with Polish gay-rights-bashers
Insisting that they’re not the loony right.
If you can freeze the pay of state school staff
While claiming that you care about our schools,
If your sums are so wrong it’s a laugh:
But still the Murdoch papers fawn like fools
If you can paper over Euro-splits
And keep your weirder members off the air
Say you won’t pull the NHS to bits
And fool the lower orders that you care.
If you can fill with scare-creating nonsense
The hearts of middle Englanders still floating,
Yours are the polls, PR defeats true substance
And there goes Britain, well and truly broken.